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Hi
I’m a university student. I am white but usually date Korean guys. This year I dated a guy for the whole year and we are still together, even though he had to go back to Korea two months ago. We were really close, got along super well and had lots in common. We saw each other every day because we lived close to each other in our residence, which is how we met. We have discussed the possibility of spending the rest of our lives together and he is definitely a great guy to do that with. But the problem is, now because he is Korean, all Korean guys have to go to the army for two years and he is doing that this year. Before he left for Korea we talked about it a lot and even though we were both nervous about it we both decided that we want to make it work even though we will only be able to write letters and stuff for that 21 months. But after being apart for two months I’m wondering if I would be able to make it for two years because especially since I’m young I know I’m going to miss physical aspect of relationships and having someone there for me.
Recently, I met this other guy who is also in Korea but he is coming back to Canada soon for his masters program. He’s older than me but we have connected really well. He really likes me and he is the kind of guy who treats his girlfriend like a princess, never yells at anyone etc but he is a really fun guy. He always makes me really happy and feel good about myself, and it’s starting to make me wonder if even though my last relationship was good, it seems kind of boring. Almost as if we had too much in common or got too comfortable together…plus I was his first girlfriend, so being the more experienced one in a relationship I was always having to lead things kind of. But being with an older guy, he is more experienced and with him the language barrier also isn’t as bad (not that language ability is a huge issue for me). Also, since this guy is older and it’s expected for Korean guys to start being married by his age (late 20s) he will take a relationship more seriously.
The guy I’m with right now is a really, really sweet guy and I love him… but I think I may just want something different in a relationship. And it kills me to say that because if I did anything to hurt him it would be so hard for me too. I’m going to Korea in 2 weeks and his WHOLE family and all his friends are looking forward to meeting me and I’m supposed to stay with him the last week I am there. Before he goes to the army, he wants to get matching rings because he wants to make sure I am still his girlfriend while he is gone and he even took an extra job to pay for them (that’s a Korean type thing to do)… but they are expensive and I feel maybe our relationship is something to discuss before he spends that kind of money. I don’t know if he would be open to the idea of meeting other people while he is gone even if we discuss the possibility of getting back together when he gets back, like “I just want to make sure we are making the right decision if we really decide to make this commitment to one another.” I know he would be crushed if I ended our relationship and I would feel horrible. One of my friends who has already been to the army said that if I break up with him while he is in the army it might be better because it would be easier for him to get over it…and I know that about half of the people who go into the army with a relationship, doesn’t work out because they are usually university-age.
I really want to try things with this other guy because I think I would be really happy. But if they don’t work out and I also break up with my boyfriend, I lose both of them and I can’t do that. I guess maybe I just feel like even that he is going to the army, we have been becoming distant lately when we don’t talk as much anymore and this other guy makes time for me to talk or Skype every day even though he has two jobs and works from really early in the morning to late at night.

Usually with my friends I’m the one to give relationship advice but its so difficult to advise myself only because it’s much more real to me when it’s about my own life than someone elses and I really don’t want to screw this up.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s a lot easier to break up with someone who’s cheated on you, behaved badly or who really isn’t that into you than it is to break up with someone decent and kind with whom you’re not compatible. And yet, from what you write, the latter is what’s going on with you.

Whether or not you met this other guy, it really sounds like your boyfriend is gearing up for a big commitment to you with rings, meeting and staying with his family and a two year military commitment during which time you’re expected to be loyal to him until his return. All this would be fine except for one major stumbling block: You’ve got legitimate doubts about yourself in the relationship.

My advice is to back away from the commitment you’re about to make because you’re not sure. There’s a lot of pressure on you right now because of his military program and if he wasn’t going away for two years, you might continue to date and decide whether or not he’s someone you want to marry. But because of his military expectancy, you’re being forced to make choices now you’re not ready for.

Break ups are painful no matter how you conduct them, but I think that honesty and a graceful break is what’s best for you both in the long run.

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