[Lilyk]

Dear April

I have been dating someone for four months–am recently divorced, 47 years old, no children.

Although he says he is in love with me (we were friends for 4 months before we started dating) and seems to want a serious relationship, I am concerned about the following:

He has said that his ideal woman is a housewife who focuses on domestic things and her family. I am light years away from that as he knows, with a job I love and many interests.

(I like to cook but my life does not revolve around the home in the way that he means. Also, I don’t have children and can’t have them at this point. I would have loved kids, but my husband didn’t want any which I accepted.)

Also, I think having children was very important to him and maybe still is.

His last relationship broke up as far as I can tell, in part due to the fact that his much younger partner wasn’t ready to have kids. He is 50 years old and I guess could still have a family.

I have brought up both issues but he said that he now wants me. That he finds me interesting and that it’s a big thing to have a life partner… But I wonder if your desire to have a family and a woman closer to your “ideal” can change at the age of fifty? I would also prefer knowing that I am closer to someone’s ideal, than so far away from it. I guess I feel I, and our relationship, may be second best to him. And if he gets a final chance to have a family/be with a woman more like his ideal, he may still go for it. Especially now that our relationship seems to have brought him out of a rut, made him more outgoing, confident etc.

Am I right to be wary of him? or am I really insecure?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’re right to be interested in who he really is so that you know if you’re wasting your time or not. Self knowledge is the most important thing in the success of a relationship. Choosing someone compatible is the second most important thing. You have to figure out if he really knows who he is or not, and make sure you’re not trying to twist the situation into a good one for you. Twisting or bending the truth never works.

If he really does want a family and a woman who is going to stay home and take care of the house and kids for him, then you’d be wise to move on because that’s not you. I’m not sure from what you’ve written (or haven’t written), if he’s ever been married, and how long his last relationship that broke up over children, was. It seems like you need to get a good handle on who he is — and why you were friends for four months before dating (Was this relationship something he slid into because you were available and he wasn’t seeing anyone else? Or are you really his Ms. Right?) as opposed to his asking you out on a date right away when he met you.

Also, know what you want. I’m not sure how long you were married before you divorced or why you divorced, but since you’re newly divorced, it’s a good idea to have an idea of what you’re looking for in a man — whether it’s someone to date so you’re not alone (Mr. Right Now) or someone to marry and how you feel about dating someone with kids or not.

Hope that helps! Let me know how it goes.

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[Lilyk]

Thanks for that April. You nailed it—I am trying to figure out who he really is.
This is someone that I knew socially a long time ago (friends in common, meeting up at parties etc.) but never a real friend. Although we were always friendly.

The reason we were friends for 4 months before dating is because I didn’t feel I was ready to date after my recent divorce. (I divorced because my partner became increasingly passive-aggressive and I became less and less able to deal with it.)

So my new partner did ask me out, but I wasn’t ready. I was very glad however to have his friendship, especially since we had so much in common from the past, were already friendly, and also found out we had a lot in common now. And we clicked in many ways.

The reason that I am wondering about all this is because I know how much it pains him to not have had a family and a married life. His last relationship lasted 6 years, they lived together and broke up over an unwanted pregnancy—he wanted it, she didn’t, but she was a lot younger, about 15 or 16 years.
And as we were dating he said at some point that his ideal was a kind of domestically oriented woman but that he is not “indifferent” to how I am, that it “interests” him. That way of putting it, made me uncomfortable. The difference between the ideal, and not being “indifferent” to how I am—as he put it—didn’t seem convincing to me.

Also, a few other things have happened. The one that made me wonder the most was this: this was a long-distance relationship at the time (with me coming into town where he lives for work for half the week). After about 6 months, there was a possibility of spending a whole week together that he backed out of. He was vague about this. When I insisted as to why—he claimed he didn’t know what happened, there was some kind of misunderstanding etc. After I insisted that this was not the case–and just wanted to know why—he said that I had brought him down while talking to him—over the phone—about my fear of unemployment (it’s an issue at the moment) and that it made him feel disempowered. He is recently unemployed but with good prospects of finding another job.

I was pretty shocked at this, as he had always said he wanted us to be able to see each other more. Maybe even worse than this was the fact that he said he didn’t want to tell me the truth (and spent an entire evening saying oh it was a misunderstanding) in order to not “hurt my feelings”.
Since he had told me about his ideal woman before, I thought that maybe he is one of those men who don’t want to deal with their partner’s problems—seeing them as the domestic “rock” they can go to for shelter from the big, bad world. I am happy to provide that, but I also live in that big, bad world, and times are tough now. So I expect some of that support from someone too (at the very least someone who can listen to a phone conversation about it and not get so destroyed)—not a partner who after such a call, would prefer us not to meet at all. By the way–I put it all behind me when we are together—even though we do talk about such issues. We do have a great time together—and I know he feels the same way cause he has said so many times.
Any thoughts on this behaviour? I have to say that I was very surprised all things considered.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It really sounds, from you’ve just written, that you’re his Ms. Right Now — not Ms. Right. He does want someone to have a family with and that makes the two of you incompatible. His response that he’s not “disinterested” in you isn’t exactly a compliment. It’s more like a “you can stay” kind of remark. 😕 Not something that inspires confidence in the future of a relationship together! 🙁

It also sounds like you could find someone who is more compatible with you than he is. I think that the two of you “slid” into this relationship, but that it’s not the final relationship for either one of you. My advice? Don’t waste time with someone who isn’t your Mr. Right, and with whom you’re already getting invested in.

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[Lilyk]

Thanks, April. I agree. I am about to break it off. But would really appreciate a final comment on what folllows, as it makes me doubt my own judgement.

We had a conversation in which he said he simply couldn’t understand why I thought he wanted something else.

And that everyone might want something else but that when he makes the decision to be with someone–that’s it, he is devoted.

I noted that he didn’t say everyone might HAVE WANTED something else in the past or in their youth. There is a big difference between saying that and saying everyone wants something else— but he said he didn’t see it and he meant “have wanted”.

When I asked him about the opportunity we had to be together (a trip for a week he cancelled cause a phone conversation brought him down) he finally admitted that he would be upset too in my position, but that I was “reading too much into things” …

(I was shocked, as I said before, because for months before he showed such an urgency in us meeting and spending more time together. And then when the opportunity arose—he turned it down, and not for any reason that I ever really understood. He had said I “brought him down” in a phone conversation and that was the reason!”) And he initially tried to lie about it by being evasive and vague).

Finally, when I said I still have a problem with all this and related stuff, and don’t know what to think or what to do about it—he said that he didn’t know what else to say, what I expected him to say or do, what he could say to make me feel that he wanted to be with me and “I could tell you again how I feel and I’ll do that but..can’t you see how I treat you and behave and feel like when I am with you? How could you disregard all of that?”

He had said in the past he was in love with me, and on another occasion that he loved me and asked me too. I said yes. But not now—even as I implied that I didn’t feel there was enough interest from him to continue the relationship, he had nothing to say, no explanations to give, no “let me reassure you” beyond saying—when I make a commitment, I stick to it” and “can’t you tell how I feel from how I treat you”. He’s acting pissed off that I doubt his emotions–even though he’s the one that gave me good reason to do so.

Wouldn’t someone who is really interested have someething to say at this point if they thought there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication or whatever? if they were in love ESPECIALLY? Was this guy maybe just into the chase?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’re doubting your judgment….. 😳

So, I re-read this thread and noticed that you’re both unemployed, and I’m thinking you’re focusing on this relationship instead of employment. It’s a lot easier to want to be in a relationship — especially if you’re a man who relates job success with personal success — when other things are in place.

It seems like you both may be focusing on this relationship in order to avoid your employment problems. Sometimes people focus on what’s easier to cure so they don’t have to deal with the harder issues.

If you’re not sure about this relationship, you can wait to see what happens, to be quite sure your judgment was correct (or not). But I think that when he gets a job he’s going to be much more clear in what he does and doesn’t want.

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