[Anonymous]

Dear April!

Sorry for the long letter. We’re family of three (me F/36, husband 42, daughter almost 7), married almost 10 years. We’re both emigrants, and our family is kinda old-fashioned (meaning I fully accept to be at my second place b/o that was the way we both were brought up). No relatives around. Things happened that my husband was and is working in his favorite specialty ever since he came in America 18 years ago. He has excellent career with good pay. He dreams about more academical job and living in a big city but understands that will make more problems (schools, cost of living, etc), so we continue to live in rural area. It also happened that I couldn’t apply my former education with equal success. Long story short, after much fight, after living separately and hardly ever seeing each other I lost my job and all prospectives 18 months ago. We live together since then and I’m doing all housewifery stuff. I tried everything, but eventually decided to switch career and go back to school. I did a lot of research and found that there are many ways how I can get specialty I love, but I made three strict conditions upon myself: MUST not leave my family, MUST spend as little money as possible, and MUST get education with what I can follow my husband everywhere if he (hopefully) finds something better for himself, even abroad if necessary. B/o this (and ONLY B/O THIS), I considered, researched and dropped three good possibilities to start college so far. My husband knows everything about my plans. Yesterday, yet another admission got under big concern b/o money; when I told him about it, and about alternative (which looks extremely humbly but it worked for thousands of other folks and don’t see why it shouldn’t work for me as well), he became aggrieved and told me that I’m a “loser” and “totally fault”. He suggested that I should either stay home, or find something different to do. He gave couple of suggestions – each of them will require same 4 years in college and I hate each of them already. He told that he doesn’t have any respect for my chosen specialty, and therefore surprised how could I think about “abasing” myself like that. I never, ever questioned HIS choice of job.

April, I feel HURT big deal. We truly, deeply in love with each other. We love our beautiful, bright girl. I’ll sacrifice everything on the green Earth in order to be with them. I already refused tto take the most promising career path ONLY b/o it will take me from them for years, and I’m not feeling bad about it. I put my family first, plain and simple. I’m ready to suffer community college instead of cushy private school only for my family’s sake and future. What should I do???

Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Be clear in your priorities, and keep your eye on the ball. You are lucky that your husband has a good job, and that you have a home in a rural area that is less expensive than a pricey urban home. There is nothing wrong with community college — especially in this economy where everyone is compromising something. So if you decide to go back to college, make it a cheaper community college and not a pricey private school.

Your other problem seems to be the communication problems you’re having with your husband. Understand that in a traditional family, your husband feels responsible for your having to make these compromises, and it is emasculating to him that you are lowering your standards because he doesn’t make enough money to give you everything you want. While you are trying to be practical, he is feeling like a failure every time you suggest community college or the grumbling about lowering yourself to such a standard.

Be more sensitive to his feelings as a man, and he won’t lash out at you as much. Make sure you thank him (verbally and in your behavior) for what he does and provides for you and your daughter. Remind him what a good provider he is, and how you forget sometimes how important he is to you and that you want to not forget that ever.

I bet he’ll respond better to you if he feels appreciated as a man.

[Member]

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