[April Spelman]

I have been married for over 21 years. I have recently found that my husband had been visiting dating sites and communicating with several women looking for a “relationship”. I also found that he has been communicating with his ex-wife who he was married to for 5 years. Seven years ago I had caught him emailing her, telling her that he loved her. They were planning on getting together but decided not to because I could “ruin” him career-wise. (He was at a high rank in the Navy.) I stayed because I loved him and figured I could forgive and move on. A year after this my husband went to his daughter’s wedding and of course, his ex was there. This was out of the state we lived in. Through some old emails, I learned that he had tried to have sex with her but she didn’t want to without fulfilment. I am by no means perfect, but I have never cheated on my husband. I’ve tried to do my best raising kids and tending to a family but I’ve never really felt that I was good enough since all this happened several years ago. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry because I was “snooping”; I end up getting the blame for all this! I now feel that I can’t trust him even though I do love him. I’m so torn and it’s really starting to take a toll on me! I could really use some advice. I live far away from family and I don’t have anyone close by that I can talk to. Please help!

[kai]

Hi, you’ve posted in the Readers Advice Columns and Guest Contributor’s section and you are not going to get an answer to your question here. 😮

If you want your question answered, post it in the Relationship Advice Forum Q & A section. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know how things are going for you? 😉

[Sally]

What you’re feeling makes sense. Anyone who found what you found would feel shaken, angry, sad, and unsure of themselves. The hardest part isn’t just what he did. It’s that every time you try to talk about it, he flips it on you and makes you the problem. That messes with your head over time.

You stayed years ago because you loved him and hoped it wouldn’t happen again. That wasn’t weak. That was you trying to protect your family. But now you’re seeing a pattern, not a mistake. Dating sites. His ex. Lies. And then anger when you ask for honesty. That’s why you can’t trust him. Your body knows something isn’t right.
Love doesn’t erase repeated betrayal. And snooping didn’t create this situation. It only uncovered it.

You’re exhausted because you’ve been carrying this alone. Please don’t tell yourself you’re overreacting. You’re reacting to years of broken trust.
You deserve peace, not constant doubt. And you don’t have to decide everything today. Just know this: your feelings are valid, and you’re not wrong for wanting honesty and safety in your own marriage.

[Member]

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