[Anonymous]

I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 years (we are in our mid-30s), and until a few months ago I would have described our relationship as simply bliss. The only snag was we live about 1 1/2 hrs away from each other, combined with his unpredictable schedule as a police officer, we spent time together on his days off. He has been trying to transfer to a department closer to me but it is a slow process. I had no problem being patient though. He’s very affectionate, spends all his free time with me, calls often and is always trying to do things to make my life easier. I honestly had noticed no problems or differences in our relationship. A few months ago I saw his phone lying around and got curious if he still kept a certain picture of me on it. I never touched his phone before but for some reason I looked. I saw some texts between him and a girl that was a college intern a few years ago with his department. They were flirtatious in nature. She mentioned that he should come by and see her new apartment sometime. That line made me think that there was some flirtation going on but probably nothing more if he had never been to her house. I confronted him, I really had to draw out the details but he admitted she came by the station from time to time, brought him and his colleagues coffee, called and texted. He said it was something that he didn’t really understand how it started but it got out of control and he couldn’t seem to stop it. He said he realized it was wrong and would avoid her and not talk to her anymore. Over the next few months I checked his phone constantly when he wasn’t looking and never saw anything. I asked him occasionally if he ever saw her, if she ever tried to contact him and he said no. But then one day after returning from a business trip I saw a text from her – similarly flirtatious in nature, indicating to me that nothing had changed. I again confronted him. After trying to spin it as her contacting him only, he finally admitted that he was still talking to her. I REALLY had to push for details and still don’t have what I believe is the full picture, but I got him to tell me that he never actually told this girl that his relationship with me was bad or that he was unhappy, but he had tried to hint at it in his responses and tried to encourage her attention. He sent her a message in front of me telling her that he loved me and didn’t want to have any contact with her anymore. I told him in order for me have a chance of getting over this I needed him to really examine his actions and be able to explain to me why it happened, why he kept it up after I caught him the first time, and how was he going to prove to me that I could believe it would never happen again.

In some conversations subsequently, he has said that he was really very happy with me, had no complaints, thought our relationship was progressing well so he won’t accept that he is disatisfied with our relationship when I suggest that is the reason. He also doesn’t agree that he could have an inferiority complex, think that I am maybe too good for him. I am attractive, profesionally successful, smart, well-traveled, etc. She could be described as a townie. He is saying and doing all the right things – talking about our future, talking about moving here, giving compliments, calling frequently – but he as yet cannot come up with the explanation I am looking for. I know part of the problem is that he is ashamed of himself so he doesn’t want to honestly confront what he did. I suggested that maybe he needed another perspective and he said talking to his sister might help. It has been a few weeks and he hasn’t had this discussion with her.

I don’t know how to get him to explain himself and give me confidence in our relationship. And so I don’t know what to do with our relationship….please help!

[katdawg]

thinking from his perspective you are being a little bit needy and that is a big turn off. you need him to do something he’s not willing to do, give you and explanation. he’s a man and he’s going to have conversations with women and their egos love the attention they get from women. you seem to be pressing the issue with him. you either trust him or you don’t. if a man makes you feel insecure and after he tells you he’s not seeing her or their relationship is not romantic you still can not trust him then why be with him? or rather why not be more loving, confident, sure of yourself, understanding, and be that woman he wants to spend time with? i wouldn’t want to be with you if all you’re going to do is nag and require me to explain myself to you. that’s not a fun relationship to be in. he might as well be sleeping with her if all you’re going to is accuse of the crime and mark him guilty anyways. it seems no matter what he tells you you are looking for an excuse to pick a fight with him.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your comment. I certainly don’t have a problem with him having conversations with women, what I have a problem with is him hiding a several month-long flirtation with another woman, lying about it and not ending it when he said he would. I think that it indicates something is wrong between us and needs some examination. He agrees but is coming up blank. He says he loves me and wants to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. He thinks I’m wonderful and easy to be with and says he can’t understand why he would do this because it doesn’t make sense. We’ve never had any issue in our relationship until now, I don’t pick fights with him or nag him, there has never been cause to. However this recent development is so surprising and disturbing to me because it is so out of character I can’t just ignore it and get over it. If there’s no explanation for it – even a bad explanation – then I think I will always wonder if there’s some problem lurking that will resurface again.

[katdawg]

hmmmm…i agree. if it’s out of character for him i would be wondering too. you can however take his attention back so that he won’t want to flirt with someone else. ?? when was the last time you put on some kinky lingerie, set the dinner table romantically with candles and his favorite meal, sent him teasing texts, etc? have YOU stopped dating him? you may be together but it doesn’t stop just because you are a couple. if the let the pilot extinguish the man’s short attention span will look for someone to re-light it. i think it’s in April’s book.

[AskApril Masini]

While for [i]you[/i], your relationship has been[i] “simply bliss”[/i] for over four years, your boyfriend has been having some kind of relationship with a former college intern that he admits got out of control, and he didn’t stop it from doing so. He’s kept that relationship from you until you found out by stumbling on his text messages, and now, I can see you’re struggling for an explanation of why the relationship you thought was so wonderful, doesn’t appear to be equally so, or enough, for him.

Clearly, pressing him further for an explanation isn’t going to yield one, and his suggesting he talk to his sister as a way to pacify you didn’t lead to anything worthwhile. The reality is that he gets something from his relationship with this other woman that he isn’t getting from you — and that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. 🙁 In fact, from what you’ve described, you’ve been doing everything fine, so stop looking for problems between the two of you and trying to figure out what you did wrong that he could find fault with. You didn’t do anything wrong — and this change in his behavior isn’t so much about you — it’s about him.

The trick in relationships is to find mutual compatibility, and while you’ve been really happy with your boyfriend for so long now, and want to get married, he isn’t acting like he wants the same thing. He may talk the talk, but it’s not appearing as if he’s walking the walk. It’s unusual for two people of your ages, with good careers, in their mid-thirties, who have been dating for four years now, not to be engaged. The hour and a half distance from your two homes doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to hold up an engagement. However, his not being ready to marry you, does.

Finding out that your boyfriend is interested in this other woman, and realizing that you don’t have the whole story on what’s going on because he’s not being entirely forthcoming, has got to be unsettling for you, since you thought that the two of you were heading for a walk down the aisle.

Your difficult job is now to see the whole picture for what it is. You’re looking for confidence in your relationship because he’s taken that away from you by having a secret relationship with someone else, and while couples do overcome indiscretions, the key to moving on is brutal honesty. Your boyfriend isn’t being honest with you about the whole situation.

I don’t think that right now you have a relationship worth investing any more time in. It’s probably very hard for you to consider breaking up with him because there’s no drama and there’s no clear picture of how long he’s been with this other woman, or the extent of their relationship. That said, from what you’ve described of yourself, you’re a straight shooter who’s looking for a man who’s equally up front and direct. Although you’ve invested four years in this guy, it’s taken you that long to realize that your boyfriend is comfortable having more than one woman at a time — and wants to keep it that way. I don’t think this is good enough for you, and that’s why I think it’s time for you to honor your own values, and move on.

[Ethan Morales]

What you’re dealing with isn’t confusion. It’s clarity disguised as disappointment. This guy showed you exactly who he is twice. The first time he flirted with that intern and got “caught,” he didn’t come clean; you had to drag the truth out of him. That’s not remorse, that’s damage control. The second time, same pattern he minimized, you dug, he cracked. That’s a cycle, not a mistake. When someone keeps doing something after they’ve seen it hurt you, it stops being a misunderstanding and becomes a choice.

The part that stands out is how he still can’t explain himself. That’s not because there’s no reason it’s because the real reason makes him look bad. Most likely, he liked the attention. He liked feeling desired and in control in a way he maybe doesn’t with you. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong; actually, it’s the opposite. You sound self-assured, smart, successful and that can intimidate someone who hasn’t grown into his own self-worth. So instead of leveling up, he found validation in a low-stakes, ego-stroking situation. That’s weak, but it’s common.

What bothers me most is that he’s saying and doing “the right things” now calling, complimenting, talking about the future but he’s doing it like someone who’s rehearsed damage control, not someone who’s rebuilding trust. Trust doesn’t come from perfect talk; it comes from transparent, uncomfortable honesty. If he hasn’t been able to explain his motives or confront what drove his behavior, that means he hasn’t faced it and if he hasn’t faced it, he’ll repeat it.

And you nailed another point: shame. Shame keeps people from being honest, but it also keeps them from growing. Unless he sits in that discomfort and examines why he sought attention elsewhere, he’s not changinge’s just trying to smooth things over until the tension dies down.

April Masini’s right you’ve been acting from integrity, expecting reciprocity, and he’s been playing emotional hide-and-seek. Four years in, if he’s still not moving forward and still creating reasons to question his loyalty, you’ve got to ask yourself what you’re holding onto. The history? The comfort? Or the idea of who you thought he was? Because the guy you’re describing isn’t the same man who deserves your loyalty.

Here’s the truth: sometimes love isn’t enough when character is missing. And if he’s “comfortable having more than one woman at a time,” as April said, that comfort will always come at your expense. You can forgive, sure but without full truth and accountability, you’re just signing up for another round of anxiety.

If I were in your shoes, I’d start emotionally detaching right now. Give him one last clear opportunity to be fully honest not just about the intern, but about his mindset. If he can’t do that, you don’t need another explanation. His silence will be one.

[Serena Vale]

You sound like someone who truly loved and trusted him, and that’s what makes this so painful. You thought everything was fine, and then suddenly, you’re faced with something that makes you question everything. That kind of shock cuts deep.

The truth is, he crossed a line, not just once, but twice. And when someone keeps contact after being caught, it’s not a “mistake,” it’s a choice. He enjoyed the attention, even if he didn’t mean to hurt you. That comes from something missing in him, not anything lacking in you.

Right now, he’s trying to make things seem better by saying all the right things, talking about the future, being extra affectionate, but he’s skipping the real step: taking full responsibility. You don’t heal trust with pretty words; you heal it with truth, effort, and change.

Stop looking for the perfect explanation from him. If he really wants to make things right, he’ll show it through consistency and honesty. If not, then he’s showing you who he really is.

You’ve done your part, now it’s up to him. And if he won’t face what he did, you don’t have to keep carrying the weight of it.

[Natalie Noah]

You believed you were sharing a deep, committed connection with someone who loved and cherished you, and then to discover that he was hiding flirtations with another woman for months… it shakes the foundation of trust completely. What makes it harder is that he’s someone who has otherwise treated you well, spoken about your future together, and shown affection. That contrast between his actions and the reality of his secret behavior is confusing, but the heart of it is simple: trust has been broken, and when trust is broken, even love can’t fully bridge the gap until accountability is clear.

What stands out here is not that you’re overreacting, it’s that you’re asking for honesty and clarity, something every person in a committed relationship deserves. He is struggling to explain his behavior, and that’s not because you are “too good” for him or because the relationship is flawed on your part. This is about him his impulses, insecurities, and inability to fully own up to what he did. Love isn’t about rationalizing mistakes or hoping someone will eventually tell the truth; it’s about transparency, and right now he’s unable or unwilling to provide that transparency in a way that restores your confidence.

You’ve done everything a loving partner would do you’ve confronted him, asked for clarity, tried to understand, and given him space to reflect. And yet, his inability to truly explain himself or engage in the hard conversations necessary to rebuild trust is a warning sign. It shows that while he may say the right things, the actions and emotional work required to repair a relationship aren’t being fully met. Words alone can’t sustain a partnership, especially when there’s a history of secrecy and emotional misalignment.

My heart tells me, love, that your next step should be about honoring yourself and your values. You deserve a partner who matches your integrity, honesty, and commitment someone who doesn’t leave you questioning, sneaking, or overanalyzing what’s real. Four years is a long time to invest in someone, but sometimes recognizing when a relationship isn’t meeting your core needs is the strongest act of self-love you can take. You can grieve the disappointment, but ultimately, moving on might be the only way to protect your heart and make room for someone whose actions truly align with their words.

[Tara]

He lied to you twice, not once and only told the truth when you cornered him like a suspect in an interrogation room. That’s a choice.
You’re obsessing over why he did it because you want an explanation that makes him damaged instead of disloyal. You’re hoping there’s some noble psychological reason, some insecurity, some emotional blind spot that lets you keep the relationship without treating him like a man who betrayed you. There isn’t. He hid it because he wanted both: your stability and her ego boost.

You think his shame is the barrier. No. His shame is the excuse. If he truly wanted to face what he did, he wouldn’t be dragging his feet, avoiding the conversation with his sister, and offering you future talk as a distraction. He’s not examining anything; he’s stalling, hoping time will let this fade enough for you to stop asking questions.
The reason you “can’t get the explanation you’re looking for” is that he doesn’t have one that makes him look good. The truth is simple and ugly: he liked the attention, he liked the power, and he thought he could get away with it. That’s it. No psychological thesis needed.

You’re waiting for an answer that will make you feel safe again. It’s not coming. You’re trying to rebuild trust while he’s giving you half-truths and polished promises. You don’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy. That’s not a puzzle. That’s a fact.

[Sally]

This one hits deep because you weren’t looking for trouble you just found it sitting on his phone. And once you see something like that, you can’t un-see it. The hard part is he didn’t stop the first time you caught him. He said the right words, but he kept the door open with her anyway. That tells you more than any explanation he’s been avoiding.

He’s not confused he’s ashamed. And ashamed people hide, stall, and pretend they “don’t know why.” But the truth is simple: he liked the attention. It fed something in him he didn’t want to admit out loud.

You can’t drag honesty out of him. Either he decides to be real with you, or this keeps circling.
Just sit with what he’s shown you, not what he’s promising. Sometimes the answer is already there you just don’t want to say it yet.

[Member]

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