[always confuse]

[color=#800080][color=#800080]Hi,
My friend is trying to set me up with this guy, and he is really nice, gentleman, all the good things and its great … the only thing she is really good friends with him and they talk almost everyday as she does with me … but i just think its kinda weird because we end up talking about her a lot and i don’t really like that… also i’m always txting with and we went out yesterday to a starbucks and i didn’t tell her and he didn’t either but she was txting me the whole time and i didn’t really answer but he kept on answering her and then she called him “thinking” we were “done” and he just stayed on the fone although she said “oh u still wt her, we’ll talk another time then ..( they have the same classes)”
Basically what should i do ?? koz its hard not to like the guy but this is too weird and i don’t like the situation … she has a boyfriend and is googoo gaga for him but i’m just not sure what to do.
Thanks [/color][/color]

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like your friend is genuinely close with the guy she’s fixing you up with, and you’re walking into a situation that was already established prior to your dating him. When men have close female friends and iffy boundaries with them, it can create problems in the mens’ relationships with new love interests. The female friend can feel like a meddling mother in law or a competitive rival. That’s what it sounds like is going on.

Some of the things you can do, yourself, to establish boundaries with this new guy, are:

Don’t talk about your mutual friend. Don’t bring her up. And if he brings her up — change the conversation!

Turn your phone off when you’re at Starbucks with him, next time, or when you’re on a date with him anywhere. Texting during a date isn’t really good manners anyway, and if you turn the phone off until after you’re home from your date, you won’t know she’s texting you during your date.

If he continues to text her on your dates even after you’ve started this new behavior of turning your phone off during dates, you can make a show of turning your phone off, in front of him. For example, when he picks you up, or after you meet somewhere, you can take your phone out, with a flourish, and say, “Now, I’m turning my phone off so YOU get all of my attention!” And give him kiss as a reward. Hopefully, he’ll reciprocate in kind by turning off his phone, too.

That should help a lot. The fact that they’re friends and have classes together, is something you can’t control, but you can change your own behavior and limit your contact with her when you’re with him, as well as limit her as subject matter when you’re with him.

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go. 🙂

[always confuse]

Thank you i’m going to try it and let you know =)

[Ask April Masini]

Great! Good luck. 😀

[always confuse]

Hi April,
I tried it and its working (i think) 😉 lol … i did it once on the phone and when i change the subject he didn’t insist, also we were chilling and something came up and he said to call her so we would tell her and i didn’t say no but i hesitated like “really!!” and he said u don’t have to call her if don’t want to =) … so yay fingers crossed 🙂
a little less confused 😉

[Ask April Masini]

SO HAPPY that my advice worked for you! 😀

Thanks for the feedback.

[always confuse]

Hi April, the advice u gave me about my friend worked perfectly =) now he barely mentions her name when with me and i must say i practically stole him lol (but she doesn’t mind because that was her goal (she said) lol) … he is really nice and attentive =) and unlike most guys he actually tries to please u …
my issue is now that we’ve gotten closer, (we live about 30-35 mns from each other and he comes by all the time or if i ask him to come he does …. picks me up from school … and stuff like that) and by closer i mean kissing and making out and all … my problem is i am not one to have make out sessions just to have them and quite frankly i am pretty shocked that i’m the situation but … so April how do i make sure it doesn’t become some casual thing? and that i’m not the “make out girl”???
Thank u
Always confused …

[Ask April Masini]

I’m really glad my advice worked, and you’re in a relationship with this guy — without your friend as a third wheel! Nice work. 😀

As for your new question…

It sounds like what you’re asking me is how you can see your boyfriend every day — or close to that — without relegating your status to casual girlfriend, as opposed to formal girlfriend who’s looking for Mr. Right. And it seems like the one thing that is making you feel like your relationship is more casual than formal are the make out sessions that happen every time you’re together, which is every day.

The thing that is unclear is whether the make out sessions are what’s making you feel casual in a way you don’t want to feel or if the frequency of your seeing your boyfriend is what’s making you feel casual. If your boyfriend saw you everyday, but you weren’t making out each time you saw him, would that make you feel better?

Consider the following options:

Understand men a little more deeply. If your boyfriend is treating you well in all other areas of your relationship, and you’re happy with everything but the number of make out sessions, consider yourself lucky instead of bothered. If a man only comes by to make out with you, and never takes you out and treats you like a woman he wants to win over, then you’ve got a problem that may be different than what you have. But because you’ve previously written me that your boyfriend is a real gentleman (unless that’s changed), I think you may need to adjust your outlook. Your boyfriend adores you, finds you attractive and wants to express himself with you sexually, hence the making out!

If you think the making out is a result of your seeing him too often and too casually, change the tenor of your relationship by not being available so much, and making your dates more formal. Be available to him for dates, but not for casual drive by visits. That will reduce the number of times you see him, and therefore the number of make out sessions you have. But you have to really make the dates you have with him special to keep him in the game.

If you have a compatibility issue with physical affection, and the two suggestions I made above don’t ring true for you, you may have to see if he’s willing to cut down on the making out — but I think this may be a deal breaker. Men and women are different and have different needs. Men need physical affection, visual stimulation and to feel valued. When you make out with him, he feels valued and attractive so if everything else is going well, this is one place where you may want to compromise and give a little.

I hope that helps — let me know what happens.

[always confuse]

Hi April,
I guess my thing is that im not sure if we are even “boyfriend/girlfriend” and ive never been in the situation where the intense making out preceded the “what we are exactly” so im a bet confused because i think i do like him and i surely enjoy making out with him lol but i dont want to be the girl who’s just making out to make out w/o really knowing where whatever we have is going …
and its weird because we seem to have something for instance he’ll keep me posted on his activities of the day or he’ll come over when i ask him to and stuff and hell make little comments (like this one time we were talking about calling back n stuff… n he said “yea im bad at this, u have to change that” and i said maybe i should n he answered ” yes u should”) lol like that which would lead to think that maybe we are headed down relationship road or something like that but then he’ll pull out and act all friendly/casual … so im thinking i should just ask him flat out “what are we doing exactly” or something like that but i choke every time so i need to know what to do …
thank u
always confused! 😕

[Ask April Masini]

Don’t have “the talk” and don’t ask him the status of your relationship. Instead, pay attention to what’s happening. Since you haven’t told me your ages, I’m trusting from your posts that you’re college age students. Clearly, you were “set up” on a first date as you wrote in your first post, so that’s the first sign you were on a date! Secondly, you tried to steer (and successfully, I might add 🙂 ) the focus onto you and not your female friend, so that your relationship was more about you and this guy and not the third wheel who set the two of you up. Again, that clearly indicates that you’re in a relationship. Thirdly, you’re kissing and making out — signs of affection between two people who are dating and expressing their sexuality towards each other — another sign that you’re in a relationship.

I’m guessing that what you’re missing is a conventional structure to your relationship — like dates you can see the beginning, middle and end of. That might make you feel more like the two of you are dating — which from where I sit, you are. Your responsibility in a relationship is to not make yourself too available so that the guy has to chase you. He’s going to like you even more if you give chase because men love to chase women, and you’ll be giving him something to win. I think that if you do this, have real dates interspersed with your more casual contact, and tone down the public displays of affection so that he has to work for it (read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, for more advice on all of this: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]), you’re going to realize that you’re dating this guy, and he’s dating you. I hope that’s enough definition for you.

[Anonymous]

I dated my boyfriend for 6 months when he broke up with me because he said we were moving too fast. We broke up for 3 weeks and he said he wanted to try and work things out but take them slow so we did. A little over a week ago he asked me to be his g/f again but now he is being distant. He gets defensive when I try to talk about what’s wrong and he acts like he doesn’t want to hang out with me as much as he use to. I know he loves and cares for me but this really hurts. He’s having problems with work and I think that on top of our issue is just stressing him out big time. I don’t know what to do please help.

[Ask April Masini]

Since you have a different name than the writer on the first several posts, I don’t know if you’re the same person or not. For future if you change your name and continue to post on the same chain of posts, please let me know, but for now, because you haven’t, I’m going to guess you’re someone new who just posted onto this chain of posts, so given that assumption, here’s my advice:

Since you only have six months invested, and your boyfriend has already broken up with you for three weeks because he wanted to slow things down, then came back to you and reunited, but is now acting like other parts of his life are more important than you and your relationship, my suggestion is to start dating other people. He’s not acting like Mr. Right, and there’s no reason for you to waste your time with someone who is wasting yours.

It’s understandable that work stresses people out and strains relationships, but there are ways that he can make you feel important while still dealing with stress in work. Long term relationships are full of stressors, and if this guy can’t be in one without hurting you, then he’s not Mr. Right. My advice is to date other people or just move on altogether.

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