[citylights777]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months…One month of which was when he broke up with me in late March and we got back together in late April.
When I first met him, he said something along the lines of “Girls are LUCKY if they ever meet my friends and family.” I didn’t give much thought to it, because I thought, well, maybe he’s just saying that.
When we broke up in March, he dumped me saying I had too many demands and he couldn’t provide the love that I needed. When we got back together in late April, it turned out that he said he did a lot of thinking and couldn’t let me go because he “saw me in his future.” Still in love with him, I got back together with him.
Well, one day, I was cleaning his room (which I HAVE NEVER done for another man in my life ever before–I wanted to show him how special he is) and I noticed two hairpins on his end table that were not mine. I also noticed that the condoms he said “he ran out and bought because he was afraid of getting me pregnant while I started the birth control pills” were suddenly gone from the windowsill where they were a week ago…..I hate to say it, but 2 months into our relationship, we weren’t using condoms, and we still aren’t. (I got tested last week and am clear…but now I’m rethinking the non condom thing…stupid..I know).
So, my suspicions started. The next week, alone in his room (He lets me stay alone and sleep in in his apartment when we go out sun night, or a week night while he works–I have a weird not-too-typical schedule). So, I snooped. Yes. I did:( And, in a suitcase he uses as extra storage for his clothes, I found the clinic condoms that had been taken from the windowsill along with a box of Trojans (a ten count box) with only 4 condoms left. There was also an empty Trojan wrapper in with the rest of the condoms. Along with that, were my earrings and panties I had left a week before. Keep in mind, we have not used a condom since March, and before we got back together in April he moved from one apartment to a new one. Next, yes, snooped again:(, I checked his wallet (He didn’t bring it to work with him–just cash in his pocket). In his wallet was a condom and a card to an escort in the area he lives.
The following week when he got up to use the bathroom, I looked back in the wallet, and I noticed an additional condom put into the wallet (one was missing from the pocket in the suitcase) and the escort card was gone. I confronted him about all the condoms, and the wrapper, but I never mentioned the escort card–I still don’t know why I didn’t.
His explanations were: “Those were old clinic condoms I put back in there that we were gonna use.” Then he said the box was old and he just found it recently. When I pressed him about the condom wrapper, he said it was old. I said “Then why is the lube wet in it?” He finally said, in April, before we got back together, that he slept with a one night stand from a bar, and that must be the wrapper from the one night stand. He said silicone lube can stay wet if enclosed in a dark suitcase. True. I called the condom company, and they confirmed it can happen if its in a dark place:( yes, I know, already, sounds like I don’t trust him. When I asked about the wallet, he said that he carries condoms in his wallet because his brother who suffers from schizophrenia (paranoid type) checks his wallet to see if he has condoms every time he visits him to make sure that he is protected during sex because if he doesn’t he’ll tell the mother and the mother will get angry because he already got a girl pregnant. (I also know about his son and his sons mom–he visits every Friday, sometimes fri and sat). I said, “well doesn’t your brother know we do it at your place, and you’re with me?” He said, “He doesn’t believe things he cannot see.”
Okay, so that’s that part of it. Now, he won’t introduce me to his family because he says that it has to be over a year until I meet them. he says he won’t introduce me to his friends because, well, before we got back together in April, he said I needed “tweaking” I told him to accept me like I am or not, and then he stopped saying that when we got back together. Then he said his friends are busy all the time, and now he says I can’t meet them, because his friends are “stupid.” Okay, so we go on dates, but since we’ve been arguing about these issues, he rarely initiates calling me/texting me–unless I ask repeatedly. He says its because, everytime I have seen him in the past two months, we have had a disagreement.
When I have confronted him, he says he does this with every girlfriend he has been with–it takes a while to meet ppl he knows.
I feel confused. The not calling, texting, and the random circumstantial evidence in his room–is it cheating? Or is it just typical guy forgetfulness sloppiness and distance from fighting too much?
And not introducing….does he really do this with everyone, or is it just with me? because I’m embarrassing, or a dirty little secret on the side? Please help! My last long term relationship was highly physically abusive (he knows this) and I just want a loving fulfilled one. Although, I still have extreme anxiety–I’m not perfect at all, either. I just want this heart racing and sick feeling in my stomach to go away since I saw that wrapper–that damn wrapper!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not confused. You’re disappointed. 😳

He’s cheating on you. He doesn’t think you’re good enough to introduce to his friends and family, and he’s losing interest in you and his attention is waning. You’ve resorted to snooping because you’re looking for evidence and when you find it, you want more. 🙁 Rather than stay and have anxiety because you’re trying to trick yourself into think this is going to work, but your anxiety is keeping you from knowing it won’t, let go and move on.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[citylights777]

It turned out he was cheating ;( He said that he only did it cause I argued with him everytime I saw him in the past few months…this is very true. I did do that A LOT. But most of our arguments stemmed from him not introducing me to his friends–I felt, even though he spent money on me and took me on dates, that he excluded me from his life–that I didn’t feel like a part of it…that’s where most of my upset stemmed from. I’m not perfect. There were times when I acted a little bipolar and wouldn’t just get upset too often. But he said the cheating is “my fault” now I feel like it is:( I feel like if I didn’t push him so much he wouldn’t have done it….he said “when we fight it feels like I’m not with you.” He said one girl, the one he cheated on me with, was a friend and the other was a girl at a bar he got when we broke up but I was always the girlfriend–he said he felt nothing for them and that he just mindlessly did it. That was his explanation for cheating…..I told him I never cheated on him….I even showed him texts of a guy I kissed when we were broken up who I said “You know I got back together with my bf right?” to prove how dedicated I was to him–that I was telling other guys to back off–that I love my bf. He just focused on the part that I kissed the guy when we were broken up…even tho he had sex once when we were broken up and supposedly had sex once recently with other girls during our relationship……I just feel like a fool…I pushed him away arguing so much….I just was so adamant about not playing games they tell you to in dating books like ignoring the phone and being distant if he upset, and instead I would always complain and tell him about problems–hoping that being authentic would work someday with some guy–even tho it hasn’t yet, and once again, it got me nowhere. He said I didn’t need to pester him–he would have immersed me in his personal life eventually and that he had to do it when he was ready–that because I was his first relationship in three years–he was just slower to incorporate me into friends and family, and that’s why I didn’t meet them, but I was going to eventually. He dumped me today, after I found out last night….the fool I am was going to stay with him because I thought if the cheating were for fights we could get along and prevent it…but if the cheating was purely physical reasons (which it wasn’t) there would be nothing I could do. That was my rational. He said he thinks I am his soulmate and dreams of us marrying and living together, but at this time we can’t be together and he needs to “explore other options” because he’s drained….he says after our break up, anyone else it would be all physical and he loves me:(:(:( I feel just awful….I feel very much that I had a hand in this undoing….and I feel guilt and extreme sadness…….I don’t want to date. I don’t want anything physical with anyone else…..I just want to work, do my hobbies, and I hope eventually he’ll come around. I feel like we can fix this–if the cheating was just due to emotional distance–and not a need for variety…I can fix it. Am I wrong for thinking that? Am I foolish? Stupid? What is wrong with me? Should I even bother hoping we’d be back again once more? Now I feel like, now that being honest about how i feel, and not playing games, and being a nice girlfriend who cooks and cleans and just wants a guy to introduce her to friends after maybe four months and expresses that never works…because I have showed the same behavior with all past bfs and they always in some way take advantage and run away…..or lose interest….even when they swear up and down that they love my honest and authenticity and my refusal to ignore, be distant, and play games…..I just feel like I need to be fake and play games if I am ever to find someone who loves me more than I love them for once… because it’s always me loving more…me getting hurt….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I feel like we can fix this–if the cheating was just due to emotional distance–and not a need for variety…I can fix it. Am I wrong for thinking that? [/quote]

Probably. I don’t think you understand how to win the dating game. Somehow you’ve decided that being authentic means you have to behave in a certain way. Clearly that’s not working. 😕 You can be authentic, without losing a boyfriend, but it means you have to accept it when he’s being authentic, too. 😉 Read his signals along the way, and if he doesn’t introduce you to his friends and family, it means he’s not interested in you enough to do so. That’s HIM being authentic. You fought him on his authenticity (mistake) and tried to change it. What you should have done was take the hint and decide that you wanted to stay in the relationship without complaining, but trying to win him over — or to step away from a relationship that wasn’t going where you wanted it to go on your time clock.

You shouldn’t have fought with him over this. His cheating on you after that was his way of getting relief from the relationship he didn’t like. 😳

[quote]Am I foolish?[/quote]

No.

[quote]Stupid?[/quote]

No.

[quote]What is wrong with me?[/quote]

You don’t want to take advice or change your behavior.

[quote]Should I even bother hoping we’d be back again once more?[/quote]

No. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[citylights777]

well tried to talk to the ex for closure…turned out he never added me on facebook not cuz it wasnt imp to him like it wasnt to me. No, the real reasoon is ‘he had to ‘approve of a better pic of me posted’ on my profile so ppl could see his gf is really good looking. Wow and to make matters worse it turns out even fron day one when things were supposedly good, his female friends were not all friends but ‘associates he had sex with b4’ i know. huh?? and he said he cut off contact with them. turns out some of the ‘friends’ he kept on his fb list in his back pocket to cheat on me with once things got rocky. Oh, and his facebook pic,..hes shirtless. Ladies, i know its after the fact i now know but be wary if a guy says ‘facebook is no big deal’ or ‘it ruins relationships’ he may not add u cuz its innocent BUT i have learned from this experience, all these factors included, sometimes it IS that serious and not adding on something that seems as trivial as facebook can indicate he has something to hide. Do i feel stupid? Yes. But glad now i know

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad you know, too! 🙂

Now you get on with your life and find someone who’s your Mr. Right. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts