[Mustang488]

So I met my current boyfriend about a year ago when I moved to a new city and moved into his house as one of his roommates. We instantly hit it off and he broke up with his girlfriend at the time about 2 weeks after I had moved in. We started hooking up and basically started doing everything together. We slept in the same bed every night, cooked meals together, starting meeting each others family etc. In January we decided to move into the same bedroom together and he officially asked me to be his girlfriend.

In March, I found out some very disturbing things about him, that make me question our entire relationship and wonder if I should break up with him. I found out that while I was out of the house he had been going on sites such as chatroulette and doing explicit video chats with girls in addition to scamming the casual encounters on craigslist and even sending out naked photos of himself to some girls. One girl he even emailed back and forth with about hooking up with in his car. She kept trying to set a date and time but he ended up not responding back to her and not following through with it. This all happened last fall and he claimed it was before he fell in love with me, that he was feeling insecure and didn’t trust me and that he never would have “actually cheated”. He has agreed that he will do anything it takes to gain my trust back and will talk about it and reassure me whenever I need it. He gave me all of his passwords and says I am free to look at any of his stuff at any time because he has no need or desire to do any of those things. I really love this guy and would like to make it work, but even after I have known about it for a couple months I am still very hurt and questioning if I made the right decision giving him a second chance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you moved in with him last July and started hooking up with him very quickly and casually (even though it’s become more than that) last fall — and now that you’ve found out he was doing the same thing with other women in the first couple of months you were together that he was doing with you, you’re calling foul. 😕 Try to look at the big picture. He’s someone who jumps into encounters that may or may not become relationships. And whether or not you usually do, that’s what you did with him.

Usually it takes about three months for someone to decide if they want to continue dating you or not. During that three month period, you were living with him and you assumed a monogamy because you were living together that doesn’t usually happen during the first three months of most dating relationships.

In January, six months after you’d moved in and started hooking up together, you became an official couple. It doesn’t sound from your post that he did any of this questionable behavior since you became a couple. I don’t think you can really call what he did cheating because he may not have been sure you were serious when you started seeing each other because of the quick and casual nature, and he may not have realized he wanted to be serious with you until January — after he’d stopped meeting women online.

It’s never a good idea to have sex so soon because it clouds your judgment and there are often misunderstandings — for instance, men have sex because they can, and women leverage sex into more meaningful relationships instead of letting the guy show you how much he cares for you by trying to win you over. When you start sleeping with him and living with him right off the bat, he can’t chase you — you’re already there!

I know you’re hurt, but you have to look at your part in this, and I think you’ll see that it wasn’t really cheating here. 😉

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