[tj11]

Hi April,

I was recently dumped (1 month ago) after we were together for over a year. We both have children (separate ex’s) she has 3, I have 2. We live about 45 minutes apart. It usually worked out ok (she would drive down 2 or 3 nights a week when she did not have her kids, and I would drive down and spend weekends down there (all due to custody schedules)). We talked about moving in together several times but usually put it off till we were more ready. She would also mention about getting married but this I did not think we would be ready for anytime soon. So the joke would be she would tell my family that “He will never marry me”. Well this frustrated her but we stayed together and were still very close. I also have a daughter with special needs that she does take a little more time and effort to take care of more than a normal child but she is ot that severe (this will come into the discussion later).

As time went on we were a good loving couple and we hit our year mark and seemed to be going strong (went on a nice vacation just the 2 of us). After my brothers wedding about a month or so later i started feeling like she was withdrawing. We talked about it and it seems that she had been struggling with issues on distance and feeling overwhelmed with my daughter (the attention she needs from me, and how much effort she could be). She said she noticed this more and more after my brothers wedding. I agreed to show my GF that i can balance both and that the distance can be worked on later when we get our lives a little more in order. We stayed together for about another month until then….

She ended on the basis that my daughter was too overwhelming for her and mentioned the distance (we spent about 2 hours together that night while she cried and said she loved me so much). This obviously seemed odd to me…but I also found out she was seeking professional help to deal with issues. Of course I tried to persuade her that we can work it out but did not help. I emailed a few days later me trying to convince her we can work on this together but she would not budge. She said she had to work on her issues. ….Fast forward 3 weeks and she is dating her old boss (15 yrs her senior) whom she (allegedly) just got into contact with after 5 years. We still email (usually I initiate) almost everyday (no nights or weekends) and text only when she initiates (her rule). Do you think she used my daughter as an excuse to pursue another relationship? Why does she want to still have a connection with me? Is this guy a rebound or an easy way out because he lives close and has few complications (and maybe wants to get married) in the kid’s sense (he has grandkids). She still says she misses me and insists she did not dump me because she did not love me but the other issues with my child and distance. She also insists she did not do anything with this guy until we were broken up… what do you think?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I think she wanted to get married and you didn’t indicate that you wanted the same. After dating for a year, she did the right thing by moving on because you didn’t have the same goals in mind. If you do want to marry her, then this is the moment to show up with a ring — before she’s too involved with someone else. If you’re not interested in marrying her, my advice is to move on. 😳

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[tj11]

Thanks April,

I do want to marry her but I think now you might be right… she is posting pictures on her FB with this guy and being very vague when we text or email. He is much more settled since he is older and has $ and I think has recently taken her out of town…TOO LATE? I would not even know how to approach her now to get her back now but know I would do what it takes. How would I approach her because she knows that I want her back but I feel she is disinterested and wants to see where this guy leads too…

Dunno…Help please!

[tj11]

Thanks April,

I would marry her but not sure she wants that now, maybe it is too late. She has been posting FB pictures on her and her new (older) man. They seem to be living it up… Hiking etc… I think she might be seeing where this goes. He has no kids in the house…lives close by and has disposable income and probably is exciting for her right now ( and extremely Convenient) . We still email and sometimes text but she is vague about any details how it is going (not that i ask), and says she wants to protect my feelings. I feel like she might have already moved on. Who knows… any ideas on if and how i should proceed? Should I wait and see if this is really a rebound?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have (and may have had) a communication problem with her. She wanted to get married, you didn’t propose; she broke up with you…..but you’re now saying that you want to marry her. She probably took the lack of a proposal as your disinterest in marriage, or else your not wanting to marry her, or your not wanting to marry her then.

I’m not sure how old you are, but as a single mother who’s at least in her 30s (I’m guessing), chances are she wants to marry — most women do. Or, they want some serious commitment in lieu of marriage. You should know that whether or not things work out with her.

The communication problem still exists because it seems that you still want to marry her, but you’re not letting her know that. You’re waiting. Again. 😮 It may be too late — but you’ll never know unless you try!

You can wait to see if this is a rebound relationship, as you suggested, but you run the risk that it’s not.

Hope that helps. Let me know how things go!

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[tj11]

OK sorry ignore my last 2 posts…

I talked to my ex and truly believe she is in a rebound relationship with this guy. She just eluded to me on this is not a serious thing at this time.

We did have a good discussion on the big picture of why she truly ended it…yeah she loved me…yeah i treated her well. It comes down to she felt our romance and passion just wasnt there anymore. Of course I can kinda see that but up until a couple of months I guess I knew it came to a slow down. With the distance, kids, and both stressful jobs we were communicating but not communicating properly about our real needs. We were “I love you this… I love you so much…still showing affection but not truly romantic or passionate anymore (almost routine). Of course I know that that stuff can be “fixed” (and i told her that) if we truly tried but it is just a piece of the puzzle. Along with the distance, her feeling overwhelmed about my daughter, the pieces cannot be a whole again.

I guess i finally realize that even if she did want to get back together (which she doesn’t) it would never be the same.

One last thing that is holding my emotions up is that she still wants to be friends and communicate on a regular basis. I am doing this now but this probably is not healthly for me moving on right?

Tim

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Right. 😉

[tj11]

Thank you April,

So just an update. So I am trying to improve myself and move on. Here is the catch. We are supposed to be “friends” and we talk almost everyday (or at least over IM, text , sometimes almost all during day by IM) but only when she is not with her BF (yes she is still dating the older guy 😡 ) more about that in second. Anyways we do talk like “friends” but always seem to get into a flirty and teasing mode almost everytime we are in contact. She will sometimes reel it back in (i think to protect herself) and i have offered to “talk” over the phone and/or meet up. She constantly goes back to the fact that she doesnt think she could do that because she “doesn’t know how she will react”. I try to tell her it is not a big issue (but yeah she probably right).

So alot of times when she contacts me it is because she wants to vent her frustrations about issues in her life. I have asked her why she doesn’t vent to her BF. Her response was it is “not that she can’t” but that “she has but he doesn’t understand” and “she knows I do” and “feels better after she talks to me”. I also asked her if her BF knew that we were still in contact and she said “he knows nothing”, hence why we are not in contact while he is around. I guess that makes sense, if i were on the other end I would not appreciate that she was still talking to her “ex”.

So my questions are…why is she still want to stay in contact? Why is she hiding it from her ex? Is this something I should put an end to at least reduce the amount of time we are in contact. Although I am making progress it seems to slow down the more i talk to her. I don’t know I am pretty realistic that we are not getting back together but sometimes I still want it to work out.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You can’t be friends with her. 😕 Friends with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t work. Besides, you’re not friends — friends don’t date and sleep with each other — you two have. One person in the “friendship” always wants more than the other and gets jealous if the other person is dating — that’s not a friendship.

My advice is to drop the friendship. It keeps you from being truly single and until you’re REALLY single, you’re not going to be available to have the success in dating or relationships with women who are available to you that you want and should have. 😉

She’s keeping you on a string, just in case, and you shouldn’t worry about her motives — she’s with someone else — worry about yourself, and keep moving forward in your own life! 😉

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[tj11]

Update

So we are still friends I guess you would say. Never met face to face just IM and Text. However I am trying to move on and am actually starting to date again. She asked me today what I was doing this weekend, and I told her I was meeting someone. This kind of set her off asking a ton of questions…”is it a date”…”where are you guys going”…and I thought jokingly but not sure “no going to her house on the first date”…in which I said I do not know our plans but that I didnt need to explain anything to her. She then tried joking we need to stop the booty calls (in which we are not ) and that tonight she is going to text me to come over. I didnt take it seriously and then she texted me later that “she doesnt want to hear about me dating” and “she know nows that she cannot see me yet”. Yes I have asked her a couple of times in the past if she wanted to meet up for just coffee or to run. Which we have not.

Whats up with that? Is she hurt or jealous now? Yes she is still seeing the other guy.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

If you read the advice I gave you last, you’ll see the answer to your question. 😉 It’s time for you to move on, my friend. 🙂

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