[lanaA]

Hello April,

So I have known this guy since I was eight years old and he moved away when he was thirteen but we were good friends, and I had always had a crush on him. He moved back when we were 19 years old but at the time I was in a relationship. I broke up with my then bf of two years when I was 21. My childhood crush and I started talking and we realized that we had these feelings for each other and growing up we both always wondered “what if,” even though we were so far away from each other. We started going out but then he started to change always telling me that he is not good enough and he began to be very short with me. Then I found out about some stuff I don’t approve of and he lied to me about it. I forgave him and asked him to be honest with me from this point on. We have been going back and forth for a whole year now and its always the same three dates and then he begins to be short we get into an argument and stop talking for a couple of weeks, and then we start this cycle all over again. Its always the same line with him “you are to good for me” and his friends always ask me what do you see in him and I really dislike that. I just graduated from college and pursing a career in law, he doesn’t go to school and is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I really do like him and want to be with him and I tell him this, and we hang out we have such a great time and he tells me I make him so happy but yet he pushes me away when we get to close. But when he feels that he is losing me or hears I might be talking to another guy, or even when he is trying to move on he tell me he misses me and how he can be himself when he is with me and that he has never felt that way before.

Please help because our friends are no help they just say we are stupid or that I am to good for him.

Thank you,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s being very clear with you in his patterns, but you’re not wanting to see the writing on the wall. If after of year of three dates and then distancing, three dates and then distancing — over and over — you have to understand he’s not interested in a long term, monogamous, committed relationship.

When a man says “you are too good for me” he means that he isn’t interested in a serious relationship. It’s a nice way of saying, “You are not right for me, and I don’t want to commit to you.” It appears to be self deprecating on the surface, but it’s not. It’s self serving. It helps him distance himself from you without being straightforward with you.

If you’re looking for a serious relationship, rest assured he’s not going to give it to you. And if you stay with him, expect more of the same. 😳

[lanaA]

Thank you for the advice it does make a lot of sense, but now I’m just frustrated b/c I told him this week that I’m now focusing on my career and I have been training a lot for the academy that I dont want to lose focus just for a boy. Ive realized that I was focusing on the wrong thing and that I wasnt ready for a relationship either. However now he text messages me that he misses me and wants to hang out with me and to “save a place in my heart for him, and not to fall for any other guys.”I dont know what else to tell him and I feel bad cutting him out of my life because ive known him so long but I’m just frustrated because when I told him I am glad we can be friends, he was so offended it was like the worse possible thing I have ever said to him. Most people would think he was using me for sex but we’ve only kissed, so I just dont know why he is doing this to me:/

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s sometimes hard for women to hold a hard line because we’re so used to care taking, but you have to understand that remaining friends with him isn’t going to work for either one of you. I never think it’s a good idea for people to remain friends with ex’s and this is a perfect example of why. He doesn’t want to let go, but he doesn’t want to commit, and his attention is distracting — and will eventually become annoying. If you don’t make a clean break, you’ll start resenting him and disliking him for feeling engaged against your will.

It’s time to let go and move on without him. Just because he’s your childhood crush doesn’t mean you’re supposed to carry him with you wherever you go. Sometimes relationships are best ended. They can always be picked up again at some point in the future, but for now, you’ll both do better on your own.

[lanaA]

Hi April,

Thank you so much for your advice, it was hard but I stopped talking to him and was able to move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

Now, you have a chance to find Mr. Right! 😀 😀

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[lanaA]

Confused

We have been dating for a year now, he is a great guy but I’m just confused. In the beginning it was great intense and passionate but then..This is going to sound so dumb and I don’t know if something is wrong with me but he is very “It’s 2013 girls should have to pay for half of the dinner.” So for the first time in a relationship I started here and there paying for half of our outings, but then he made a comment about the total amount of what he has spent while dating me. After that comment I’ve paid for half on everything, but once he said that I don’t find him as attractive or see him as a man. I know my thinking might be backwards but that’s how I was raised that a man should pay and not throw in a girls face “Well since I started dating you this is how much I’ve spent.” It would be different if we were both still in college and starving but he has a good job, I even feel I should be paying for half of gifts I get.

I’m also confused because I feel that he is more in love with me than I am of him. He talks about marriage and wanting me to have his children,and it freaks me out and he knows it does because I’ve told him. Then I also get thoughts of cheating,I’m turning 25 and this has been my 2nd relationship and sometimes I just want to be single. OMG I’m a hot mess, please help I’m so confused.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Is this the same guy you’ve been writing me about since July 2011, below? 😯

[lanaA]

Nope different guy

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, thanks for the update.

You’re not a hot mess. 🙂 You started dating someone and at some point in the relationship of one year (I’m not clear from your post when he started doing this, but when he did), he started keeping a financial tally sheet of what you spent and what he spent — on dating you! This is a big clue about who he is, and frankly, it’s a gift. You’re trying to be okay with his terms and I’m going to ask you to look at YOUR terms, or in other words, what you want from a relationship. He kind of snuck this one in on you after you started dating, and you were hooked, so it’s harder to say, hey, wait a minute!!…. because if he let you know from day one that this was going to be a 50/50 financial arrangement, you might have been more clear on how to handle the situation. However, here you are today!

My advice is that you realize this guy is stingy. And when someone is stingy with money, there’s a good chance he’s going to be stingy in other areas, too. I’m not suggesting that you become a gold digger, at all — but here are lots of ways that men and women compensate each other when finances aren’t equal, and since you’re saying he has more money and a better job than you do, making him dinner, baking him cookies, buying him tickets to a sporting event, or springing for the cost of a special event now and then, makes up for his paying for things, because he’s more able to. You don’t want a guy you love to feel taken advantage of, but during the dating process, you want to feel like he’s trying to win you over, not bill you for his time! 😉

Dating is a process where you get to know someone and decide if you want to continue dating them. My advice is to realize this guy has some great qualities, but that this one may be a deal breaker for you. Judging from your comments it is, but I don’t think you’ve come to understand this yet. Make a list of everything that you want in a boyfriend, and what your deal breakers are, and then when you do date someone, keep that list in mind so that you have a better time. 😉

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