[Anonymous]

Dear April,

A boy I had been dating for a month just broke up with me, and even though it was supposed to happen, I still feel unsettled. I guess it would be beneficial to give background information on the relationship….

About 2 months ago, I met this boy, who is 23 years old (took 2 years off after high school to play hockey), through mutual friends on a bowling night. He really seemed to like me; I could tell with his body language and his interest when I talked to him. That night, he asked me if I would like to go on a meal date with him at our college as a preface to a real date in town. I thought he seemed like a great guy, so I agreed. For the next month, he proceeded to woo me, putting in 100% and gaining my trust. On a small college campus, it is easy to get to know someone in a short period of time, so things were moving fast and I thought I knew him well enough to date him. He had told me his intentions of dating me, and I made sure it wasn’t a rebound thing. I asked him specifically why he wanted to date me; I asked him about previous relationships; and I asked him about his priorities and how much he would be able to give. He assured me that he was “at a point in his life when he needed to be picky about who he spent his time with.” He confirmed that he was not just fooling around, that he felt something for me and that he planned to make sure that I was happy. He planned a wonderful picnic meal the next day and asked me to be his girlfriend, which I gladly agreed to. Before and after that, we had spent almost every day together for long periods of time, and when we weren’t together, we were texting constantly. He treated me so well, and my trust grew to the point where I could be open and vulnerable with my feelings, which he respected. Everything was going well up until entrepeneur week (he wants to be a social entrepeneur), when he gained a leadership award. From that day on for the 2 weeks leading up to the break up he started to act extremely arrogant, cold, distant, and harsh towards me. I tried to be understanding as I knew he had a busy week, but I was busy as well with everything. I thought it was a temporary thing, but he continued to treat me poorly, even after I broached the subject to him. In response (in short), he said, “I thought everything was fine. Now I feel like there is a whole new set of expectations. I think we are both reading into things.” I had been crying on his lap, and we had been talking for hours and he didn’t seem to care. We couldn’t really come to a consensus, so I just said I was sorry and we made up, for fear of the relationship being compromised. The relationship continued and he stopped responding to my texts or when he did, they were very cold and terse messages. We had a nice one month anniversary, and he seemed back to normal, but then the proceeding two days he relapsed into treating me like crap. I found a few pictures of him and his girlfriend in his desk one day, and I became confused, but didn’t think too much of it because they were from events of his NGO, which she had helped him start. In regards to how he had been treating me, I had planned on breaking up with him on Monday, but he beat me to the punch. However, his reasoning for breaking up wasn’t what I had expected. I had expected him to say that he was sorry for the way he treated me, but he needed to figure out some important decisions. Yet, he said he needed to break up with me because he “didn’t feel a spark.” He said he had been waiting for it to come, and he wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he had put all of his energy into his experiential passions and future goals or something else. We said goodbye, and I took a couple days to process. I then sent him a facebook message that said things that he should have done differently and ways that he treated me poorly, but I also included that I had not regretted dating him and I still thought he was a good person. I had expected him to reply to the message with an answer to some of my stipulations, primarily ones that involved moments when I 100% felt a spark from him, but all he said was “Thank you for the message. I really liked it 🙂“. I tried to ask one of our mutual friends, but apparently he hadn’t said much about it. One of his close friends did say that he probably still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend who he dated for almost three years, even though they had broken up earlier in the year and she had a new boyfriend.

I apologize for the lengthy background information, but I wouldn’t tell it if I didn’t think it was necessary. All of my friends and family tell me to just move on, but I feel like I need more closure. I feel like I gave him closure, letting him know I would be ok, but he didn’t reciprocate. My heart is still mending, and it hurts whenever I see him on campus, although he seems completely fine. He hasn’t tried to contact me, and I haven’t contacted him since the message, which was about 4 days ago. I want to feel at peace, but I just can’t somehow. School ends in 2 weeks, and I guess I could put off dealing with myself until then, when I have time (without the pressure of finals and projects) to deal with myself. However, it is making it difficult for me to focus, and I just want to have a reason for specific things that happened. It was the relationship that I had invested so much time and emotion into compared to previous relationships, and even though I realize we needed to break up (no question), I still feel the wounds. I feel very confused and unsettled and I don’t know what to do. If you would be so kind to respond to my oh-so-lengthy problem, I would greatly appreciate it!!

[Ask April Masini]

One of the things you have to understand is that men and women are different. It’s a problem for you if you expect him to behave and react the same way you do! 🙁 He’s not wired the same way as you are, and he doesn’t need the same things you do.

I know you want the same kind of closure from him that you think you gave him, but you have to take a few steps back and understand that he [i]did[/i] give you give your closure. He did it in his own way, and that closure was that he broke up with you. He was clear about it. Guys don’t get into details and emotions the same way women do, and your expecting him to be someone he’s not is confusing you. The hows and whys of the break up aren’t really [i]owed[/i] to anyone — especially after only one month of dating. If he left you after six years, I’d expect him to give you a reason, but after a month, it’s understandable that the spark never ignited or you weren’t compatible in his eyes. This is normal. I know you invested a lot emotionally, but the truth is that you jumped the gun. After two weeks of dating he gave you clues he wasn’t as into the relationship as you were. It takes about three months for people to even decide if they want to be exclusive. Guys don’t want to talk for hours about the relationship and have you cry in their laps after only a couple of weeks of dating. 😕 They’re different. His response to your post-break up Facebook message reflected where he is now — which is in a different place than you are. He’s moved on. This relationship hasn’t affected him the same way it has you, because he wasn’t that into you by the end of the month. This isn’t the first guy who won’t think you’re right for him — and it’s certainly not the first who you’ll think isn’t right for you. This is a normal dating process. 🙂

I hope that you can process this and that the differences between men and women will help you understand that you can’t expect the same things from men that you do from women. You’ve gotten closure in his breaking up with you after a single month of dating. Next time, slow things down and follow his cues before you throw yourself into a relationship that may not take off.

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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