[Anonymous]

Hi April.
I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now and he has 4 kids and I have 2. He is a single father and their mother is not involved at all. I have been divorced for almost 4 years now and my kids have been with me since the divorce and they see their father about once or twice a month. My boyfriend and I have deicide to get engaged and married in the next year. We would like to move into his house and start our family together. We have spent vacations together for a week and weekends and the kids get along well. My son is my only concern. I have a boy age 7 and a girl age 3. My boyfriend has 3 boys ages 15, 12 and 10 and a girl age 6. When my son is with all the kids, he has a great time, seems so happy, plays well with them. When we are home at our house, when I talk to him about moving there and us getting married, he gets very upset and says he hates the kids and doesn’t want to live there and asks why do I have to get married?
To me, he has been the only boy in my house and he’s so used to all my attention. He has his own space and both of my kids get all my attention. I think that he will be upset because now I have to pay attention to 6 kids and a new husband-to-be and he will not be the center of my life. Throughout all of this, my daughter who is 3 is very happy to make the transition by the way. I am worried about my son. I don’t want to make a bad decision and I don’t want to hurt him or have him turn into a behavior problem at all. This move means a new school, new neighborhood, new house and new siblings to be and a father figure around, which he hasn’t had in close to 4 years.
My question is: am I making the right choice? My kids are my priority and I don’t want to move forward with this if this is not the right decision for me and my son. Please help!

[AskApril Masini]

I think you are making the right choice, given what you’ve told me, but (and this is a gigantic but) you have to be prepared for some family transitions that you may not like as a result of blending families.

For your boyfriend’s children, you are a bonus. They don’t have a mother, and will be gaining a loving one in you. There are already four of them, so they’re used to jockeying for position with their father. Having two more kids in the family, who are “runts in the litter” and more easily pushed around, aren’t going to be as big a deal because they’re already used to sharing. Your 3 year old will not be affected as much because she’s young enough to transition more easily to a brood. She’ll also get attention for being a girl in the bunch. In fact, my guess is as a teenager, she won’t remember you being a single mother.

For your son who is at a special developmental age in his life, the marriage and blending of families is going to be a big take away. He won’t like it — maybe ever. And he is going to have the hardest time adjusting. Right now, as you know, he’s “the man” of the family. Don’t underestimate his feeling this position. And his position is about to be usurped by your boyfriend and four other kids! This is going to be horrible in his eyes. You won’t have the same time to give him, and when his stepfather to be starts giving him attention, the other boys will become competitive for it.

The solution, that you’re not going to like, but is inevitable, is for him to bolster his relationship with his own father. If you have a working relationship with your ex-husband, this is a great time to co-parent with him. If your son sees you and your ex getting along, he will feel like he has another father to go to when he can’t get enough of you or his stepfather. He may even want to spend more time with his father. If your ex is unsettled, he may use this emotional transition to try and get more custody of your son. It will be hard for you to see clearly through all these relationships, but your job is to try and do so.

The bottom line question is: Will you be a better human being and mother if you are married to this man? There are many professionals who think you should put the children first and not re-marry if it affects the kids negatively, until they are 18 and out of the house. I, however, think that a happy mother is the best mother and if you sacrifice this marriage for your child, and are resentful or depressed as a result, you’ve made a mistake.

There is no question that your children will suffer in this blending — especially your son — but life isn’t all about easy times, and if a child can suffer, but understand why and what this means to his life and the lives of those around him, and that he is not a total victim, but does have choices and options, then he will come out a young man with survival skills in life.

So, my advice is to move forward, while giving your son a lot of love and bolstering in his own life by promoting his relationship with his biological father, sports teams and other men who will give him attention, and friendships he has at school and outside of school. Let him rant, and listen to him without defending yourself or your position. He needs to feel heard and right — because he is! Foster friendships for him (and yourself) with other people in blended families so he can open up and hear from other kids about similar situations. Feeling like he is not alone and not a victim is important for him.

Buckle up, but understand that there is a very good chance your son will come out of this, with support, a stronger young man. It’s not easy — but life often isn’t — and it’s still good.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April. I needed to hear that. Especially the part where my son may never accept his new home and envionment. I know its going to be a struggle for him but I also think that if I take time out and spend time with just HIM, he will know that I made this decision for all of us. In addition, I know my new husband to be will help and work with me. It is going to be a challnege, either way, so I know I will come to some cross roads for sure! But, thanks so much, your advice really hit me and most of all helped!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m really glad I could help, and I’m here if you need me in future. When a family divorces nothing is ever the same again — but that’s how life goes sometimes, and it doesn’t mean you have to have a sad ending. Au contraire! 😆 You can have a very happy ending, and your son can gain an understanding of life and a maturity (eventually) that will place him at an advantage in school, work, sports, relationships and family dynamics in his own life as he grows.

Good luck to you!!

And check out my new Facebook Group at the following link: [url][/url]. 😀

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