[Alinachohan]

Dear April

I find myself in a very difficult situation in which I seek adivce. It is a very long story but I shall keep it short and simple. Five years ago I met a guy (Akil) at college, I got along with him very well and realised that I was falling in love with him. Within 6 months we kissed but that very night he told me that he did not feel the same way about me and that freindship was the limit. I accepted this, as I did not want to loose his friendship and was very much in love with him. There after I met another guy with whom I loved and formed a relationship. I maintained my friendhsip with Akil and also went out with my boyfriend. After a year and a half Akil started to kiss me again. at first I would stop him but as time passed I allowed him to do this, maybe because I was still in love with him. I felt really guitly doing this to my boyfriend. After a year I confessed to Akil again how I felt about him and asked what were his feelings. We were very close, he knew me better than anyone, and me him. He told at last that as he was studying abroad he did not want me to wait for him five years, when he qualified. I was heartbroken,I wanted to tell my boyfriend everything, about how I felt but Akil did not want me to. He wanted me to be with someone. Very slowly I started to accept the fact that he would never be with me, and the guilt of what I had done was always on my consceince. My boyfriend the following year asked me to marry him and I accepted. I have known Akil for five years and my boyfriend for four years. I am married now for three months, and moved to be with him, but I am still in love with Akil. I care and love my husband. A few days ago I went back home to visit and a met up with Akil. Akil told me he loves me and that he wants me to leave my husband, to break my marriage. He has left the decision with me but it is not that simple. My husband loves me very much and I care for his happiness. I know he would be lost without me and at the same time I don’t want to break Akils heart. In my heart I know I love Akil, but I care for my husband deeply.

I would really appreciate your opinion or advice as I have no one to talk to about this. Hope to hear from you soon.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Akil is not someone who has ever given you a commitment or made good on his feelings to you. 😳 When people are young, they think that feelings are the most important thing in a relationship, and as they get older they realize that character and compatibility are what make and break relationships and then their feelings for people who have good character and compatible goals grow strong. 🙂

In short, Akil, is playing with your feelings and you need a strong of coffee to wake you up from the dream that he will behave in a way that is compatible to what you want. My guess is that what you feel for Akil is not love, but lust. Lust is great, but it doesn’t hold an entire relationship together. You can’t bank on lust. If you want a marriage and children and a future together, you should look at the man you married who made good on his feelings and didn’t just talk the talk (or kiss the kiss), but walked the walk. There are many men (and women) who focus only on feelings of love and lust, and that’s why the divorce rate is so high! Character, shared goals and compatibility are the things necessary to make a relationship go the distance.

My advice is to break off your relationship, altogether, with Akil. You haven’t said a single bad word about your husband, and after knowing him for four years and being married for three months, it’s time for you to honor your relationship with him. If you have a problem with him and the marriage, then you need to face that, but if you’ve got this secret relationship with a man who spurned you years ago, who is playing with your heart and marriage, then you need to accept that everyone has people from their past that they may consider from time to time, but what they do with their lives is what determines their character. Consider yours. 😉

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