[Alley1700]

Hi April,

I have been dating this guy for a month now, and I am confused as to whether he likes me or whether we still need more time to get to know each other. First off, I do really like him and want things to continue. He is a nice guy and seems to be honest, mature, and hard-working. He has a very respectable career and he is also very affectionate, articulate, and intelligent. But, I have been noticing some things about him that seem like red flags. I am not sure if I am just being paranoid and over-analyzing the situation or if I should genuinely be concerned and jump ship now. We are technically not “officially boyfriend and girlfriend”, so I am not quite sure of the rules here. Here are some of the things I have noticed:

1. He wanted to have sex with me on the first date. He said it was because we had chemistry. I made him wait until the 2nd date. He was fine with that… should I be concerned about him wanting to have sex right away?
2. He does not seem to be interested in anything I have to say about myself or my interests. It seems like he only pays attention to what I am saying when it directly relates to him or something he is talking to me about.
3. When I say things, he seems to forget what I said. It comes up in conversation a few days later and it’s as if we never even had the previous conversation. I have to tell him all over again… it’s like he wasn’t even listening to me the first time.
4. He doesn’t hold doors for me. He walks ahead of me and just flings the door open for me to catch it as I am walking in behind him. Is chivalry really THAT dead?
5. We went out to dinner on our first few dates. Now he just comes over to my place all the time. He doesn’t seem to want to take me anywhere or treat me to anything. Should I be suggesting we go out to dinner on dates all the time?
6. I went over to his place last week for the first time. He made me dinner which I thought was so sweet of him. We then went downstairs to his bedroom afterwards and he had 4 pictures of his ex-girlfriend by his bedside. Three of the pictures were of just her and the 4th was of both of them together sort of looking at each other in a romantic sort of way. This made me very uncomfortable. He said “oh I hope you don’t mind that I have pictures of my ex in my room. I found those the other day when I was cleaning up, so I put them up”. And this wasn’t even his last ex. This was the girl he was with before his last girlfriend. He should be totally over her by now I would think!?
7. He talks about the ex mentioned above a lot. How she used to cook for him and clean for him and she was a model and an amazing person, but their relationship fell apart because he worked to much and never saw her. They broke up because she never wanted to have sex with him. They grew apart.
8. He called me “fucker” in sort of a joking sort of way. We were going to bed and I was still out in my living room and he called out from the bedroom “come-on, fucker, let’s go to bed”. It was sort of off-putting for me, even if it was a joke…
9. He never asks me to go anywhere with his friends. He has met my friends and my sister and we have all hung out and had wine a couple of times. But he hasn’t let me meet any of his friends yet.
10. I had not seen him in a few days and he kept texting me telling me he missed me, so yesterday I thought we were going to hang out and do something together after him being so busy with work all week. He came over on the way to the gym to have sex because he said he was thinking about me all day and couldn’t go to the gym without stopping by. We had sex and then he said he was going to his cousin’s house for a party and would call me after… which he did and said he wasn’t feeling well so he wasn’t going to come back over to my place to hang out. This made me feel used… like he was just stopping by for a booty call.

These are all the red flags I have highlighted. I will mention that there are many positive things as well. He calls and texts me everyday and is very consistent with that. I never question as to where he is or if he is going to respond to me. He always tells me what he is doing that day and always calls when he says he will. When he goes away for work he calls me on his way there and then lets me know once he has arrived. Based on what he has told me about his past relationships, he is a very committed person and when he cares about someone he will do anything for them and can tolerate a lot. He is a lawyer so he is a busy person, and maybe he just has a lot on his mind all the time but some of these flags I just can’t ignore. Or can I? Am I being paranoid? Should I wait and see where this goes? I don’t want to be used as just a sex toy… that has happened to me before and it is an awful feeling. I want a real relationship. I am afraid to ask him about these things because if I am being paranoid, I don’t want to scare him off by questioning his actions only a month after meeting him.

Any advice would be appreciated!
Alley.

[Samson]

Hi Alley, you sound kind of young and naïve about guys, don’t worry it’s okay, I’m a guy but I’m here to help. Please do not be insulted by me, I mean no disrespect. Only honest observation. First off, is this guy a teenager or close to it? Maybe just out of mommy and daddy’s basement? You have very keen instincts and have pick up several red flag (PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR INSTINCTS) They are there for a reason! Has he told you he loves you, or better yet has he shown that he loves you outside of the bedroom? Who says it first? You, or him? You are either his girlfriend, or just the girl he is currently F#&king?
I think you know. I know what walking into my girlfriends room and seeing pictures of her old boyfriend by her bed would do. It would get me the hell out of there and away from this asshole that is obviously using you for sex. But that is just my take on the situation, maybe I’m wrong?

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you, [b]Samson[/b] for weighing in here. It’s great to hear a man’s opinion on this! And I agree with you.

Alley, I appreciate your questions, and on item number one, I wasn’t really with you — men have sex because they can, so if a guy wants to have sex with you on the first date, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything — but you did the right thing by waiting — even if was just until the second date. But after number two and number three, I was wavering. By number four I was ready to tell you to break up with him. But when I got to number five I was ready to break up with him, myself! Six through ten — walk, don’t run.

This isn’t a very nice or respecting person and he doesn’t care about you. He probably treats other people the same way, and finds women with low self esteem to be with him — because nobody who wants a great guy, would. As for you question, “Does he want to be with me?”, the answer is yes. He does. And he’s going to continue to treat you this way — and it’s going to get worse!

However, you shouldn’t stay with him. You can do a lot better. You already know how he should be treating you, but you have to get a little more experience and confidence to cut to the chase faster. If a guy treats you the way this one does, he’s absolutely not your Mr. Right.

I hope that helps.

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[Alley1700]

Thank you both for your responses!

I know it is glaringly obvious that this is not the guy. I know that intellectually. But my heart hurts when I think about gathering up the courage to end things… because I do want to be with him, I just want him to be more attentive, more caring, and be interested in me. I want to give him another chance to show that he can, but I guess you can’t change someone. And you can’t make someone love you. I have felt the passion and warmth of mutual love once before, so I know that this is not the way things are supposed to progress, especially in the beginning. You shouldn’t start out with heartache and confusion. It should be two people wanting to see each other, wanting to do things together, and putting aside other things (within reason) in order to make that happen. I do not feel any of that from this guy, especially over this past weekend where I only saw him for about an hour to have sex. He didn’t even call me yesterday… said he was reading a book on his deck for the whole day. I know I need to break things off… It’s just doing it is the hard part… it’s the “what if”. What if he really did have all these things come up and it’s not his fault that he can’t see me. What if he really does want me and me breaking it off will be a missed opportunity? I will have to have that talk with him. I guess if he really does care for me at all, he will tell me then.

[AskApril Masini]

Whatever he tells you doesn’t negate his behavior. 😉 Don’t fool yourself. And don’t forget that relationships — and life — require hard work. You’ll get back, exponentially, what you put in. I know you’re fearful of breaking up, but if you don’t, you’ll waste time, energy and you’ll just be putting off the break up that is coming sooner or later. I know it’s hard to see things in your own life, but I hope you’ll re-read this string of posts (including your own) over the course of a month. 😉

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[Samson]

Alley, April is right. Do not be fearful of breaking up with this loser. And I am happy to hear that you know you can’t change him, you just need to convince yourself of it. As far as him changing on his own, not going to happen. And don’t listen to his B.S. when you break it off, because I have a news flash for you. Guys will say/do ANYTHING if they think it MIGHT get them laid. So my advise to you is to take the high road, be mature, and direct. Just tell him that things are just not working out between the two of you, and wish him good luck on his future. Make sure you bring him back anything he may have at your place, and get all of your stuff from his place so you have no reason to call or see each other. Make it a clean break and keep a cool head at all times. Wait until you have left and then pull over and cry if you need to.
But, I want to tell you something else. I totally understand the feeling of wanting someone in your life to love, and validate you. Believe me I have spent my share of nights lonely and depressed because I couldn’t be with the girl I loved, or because there was no girl at all. It wasn’t until after I had stopped looking for someone that I met my wife. But that is a whole other post. For now I think the best thing for you to do is just date for a while. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex with every guy that you go out with. The kind of man you are looking for would never respect a woman that sleeps around. Also, one last thing, if you have the time to take care of it, and spend time with it and not just chain him up in the yard – Get a DOG. They will never cheat on you, they give unconditional love, they are the best home protection, and, (this is important) you only get them for a short time, so love them and protect them as much as you can well their still with you.
I lost my best friend almost 20 years ago, and when I think about him I cry like a five year old with a skinned knee. To this day I cant even have a picture of him out.

Best of luck to you, just be strong and don’t settle for less then what you want.

[AskApril Masini]

Great advice, [b]Samson[/b].

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[Alley1700]

Hi April,

I am in my mid 20s and my guy is in his 30s. I have been seeing this man for 11 months. At first things were going in a relationship direction, but then after a month he told me that he has realized that he has some issues from his childhood that he needs to work on. There are some abandonment issues on his mother’s part and alcoholism on his Father’s. He had some anger issues (which I never saw) and some emotional issues as well that were never dealt with in his life. He said that because of this, he would not be able to be in a relationship right now. He sought help from a therapist who told him that he is not to get into any relationships with anyone until he has gone through therapy. I told him that I completely understand. He said it is not because of me and that he would still like to see me and hang out with me, and then maybe we can pick up where we left off. He said that in the meantime, if I do find someone else that he would not be upset with me for not wanting to wait for who knows how long until he figures himself out.

I really liked him a lot. After this happened, I initially thought that hanging out would mean no sex. We kept hanging out and kept having sex. I didn’t mind because I thought that he still wanted to be with me, he just was not able to make it official or commit right away. I kept waiting and waiting for him to finish therapy so we could be together, but who knows how long that would be. I noticed his interest in me slowly started to fade away. He stopped staying over to my place. He stopped calling me (would only text me, usually only in response to me texting him). He never asked me to meet his friends or to do anything with him outside of my apartment. Our interactions became limited to once every 1-2 weeks and it would only be for an hour or two with sex. He would then immediately leave and not text me until I texted him first. He always blamed it on work, being busy with things, etc. I know he does have a very busy job… he is married to his job in fact. He works more than anyone I have ever seen. But I also believe that you will always make time for the things and people that are important to you. He makes time for the gym, training, his friends, cleaning, reading, etc. Am I right?

Do you think he just doesn’t care about me at all anymore? Has he simply lost interest? Or is he just working on himself and keeping his distance for fear of getting too close to me? I talked to him the other day about it and I said that this setup is not working for me anymore. He said he totally appreciates that I feel that way and he hopes that we can still talk and see each other sometimes. He said that things right now are not stable enough for a relationship with his job and personal issues. He said that maybe in the future when things settle down and if I am not tied up with anyone that we can be together again. Is this a legitimate reason? I have always been told that when a man truly wants to be with a woman, there is NOTHING that will stop him from pursuing her. What do you thing the extent of my involvement with him should be at this point? Should I stand back and not text/call him at all and wait for him to contact me if he wants to see me? Or should I take a “remain friends” stance and text him in a friendly way and have him over for dinner, etc? I want him to know that I still care about him and I want to remain in his life for when he is ready. But I don’t know if that is what he wants… Any suggestions?

Thanks!

[AskApril Masini]

He’s not into you. My advice is to move on. You can’t be friends with a man, so don’t even try. 😉

After reading your posts here, it’s pretty clear that you would really benefit from reading a book I wrote for women who want to win with men, called [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b]. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. I hope you’ll read it — because it’s going to help you figure out what you want and then focus on getting it, without wasting time on guys who aren’t compatible, available, or into you. 🙂

Hope that helps!

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[Alley1700]

Thanks, April! I was sensing that all along, but I kept making excuses for him in my head thinking that he would come around eventually. When we spoke on Friday I wasn’t feeling well and before we hung up he said he would call to check in on me over the weekend to see if I was feeling any better. He never did and still has not texted or tried to get in touch with me since then. I feel so disheartened to know that someone I shared myself with in such an intimate way could just let me go so easily. But I guess that is just the way men work. My biggest issue with this is that he gave me an STI that I will have for the rest of my life (I was kind of holding onto him because I knew he would be the last man I ever have sex with because of this). I always found it hard to meet and keep men, and this is just the icing on the cake. I now have no hope of ever being with anyone. I am sad to say that I am closing the chapter on my dating life, so unfortunately I will have no need for your book 🙁 I am trying to learn to just be happy with all of my friends and family who do love me. I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have any intimate or romantic love in my life again. I guess I will be searching for a new hobby to focus on instead! 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t understand why you don’t want to have a relationship, but if ever you do, I really suggest you buy and read[b] Think & Date Like A Man[/b] [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

Good luck!

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[Alley1700]

Thanks April. I bought the ebook last night! I read the first few chapters… I wish I had read it before I had gotten involved with this guy. I have realized that I make it too easy for guys to chase me. I always thought that it would show my interest if I was always available whenever they called. I also did a lot of the asking him out or asking him to come over. I know not to do that from now on! Thanks for writing this. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, I painfully do… but it will be a lot harder now with my condition. I am still glad I bought the book.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m so glad that the book helped you. 😀

If you want to talk about what kind of condition you have, I can advise you on that — and if you have further relationship questions, you’re always welcome to post them here. 😉

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[Alley1700]

Hi April,

Fast forward to a year later. I started talking to this same guy about a month after writing my last post. He had indicated that he was ready for a relationship, so that’s what we started to progress into. From Aug 2014 to around Nov 2014 it was actually going quite well (although I still had not met any of his friends or family, which was a red flag). I asked him to go to a few functions with me, he came to one. I asked him to go to my work Christmas party in Dec 2014 and he said no. He then started to distance himself from me and became inconsistent with his communication again. I had a conversation with him in January 2015 and asked what was going on. I told him I do want to continue with the relationship, and wanted to know if he felt the same way. He didn’t give me a straight answer. He said he would think about everything I said. We didn’t see each other for about a month after that but still kept in touch through text and facebook. I then asked him over for dinner one night and he came. We had sex, then started talking again after that. We fell back into a relationship-like state (although not like it was before when things were good). I wanted him to eventually come around and want to be with me, but I had a really bad gut feeling about the whole thing.
He came over and was going to sleep at my place a few weeks ago. I looked at his phone when he was in the shower and found text messages between him and another woman. I scanned though them and saw a lot of hearts, I miss yous, and I love yous, as well as sexual comments. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I kicked him out and told him not to speak to me again. I found the woman online and sent her a message about it to let her know what was going on. I found her online photos of them both together being happy and doing all the things that I wish he had done for me, including going to HER work Christmas party during the time we were together. He had met her and that’s why he became distant. He didn’t have the guts to tell me he had met someone else so he decided to keep us both. I assumed when we started seeing each other again in Feb 2015 that that meant he was still single. He cheated on both of us. She got mad at him briefly and now they are back together again. Why would she take back someone who has been having sex with someone else for the ENTIRE time they have been together?? Their relationship is built on a foundation of lies and deception. Do you think that they will last? I am never speaking to this man again because he clearly has many psychological and emotional issues. He did give me an STI though so how do I go about finding another man?? How do I bring that up to someone?? He gave me HSV-1. I feel so battered by this and it makes me so sad that someone I respected and cared about could do this to me.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry that you’ve sort of “relapsed” with this guy, and you’re back in a similarly bad position as you were a year ago. 😳 I’ll try to answer your questions one by one.

[quote]Why would she take back someone who has been having sex with someone else for the ENTIRE time they have been together??[/quote]

Because she wants to. That’s all you need to know. 😕

[quote]Their relationship is built on a foundation of lies and deception. Do you think that they will last? [/quote]

You’re focusing on the wrong people here. Put the spotlight back on you. 😀

[quote]I am never speaking to this man again because he clearly has many psychological and emotional issues. [/quote]

I hope you’ll stick to this promise to yourself. 🙂

[quote]He did give me an STI though so how do I go about finding another man?? How do I bring that up to someone?? He gave me HSV-1. I feel so battered by this and it makes me so sad that someone I respected and cared about could do this to me.[/quote]

If you have herpes, you should see a physician so that they can advise you on this medical condition and contagion. You do have to be upfront and honest with anyone you are involved with from now on. From what I’ve read, however, you got this sexually transmitted disease a year ago — if you haven’t already, see your doctor. This is a medical condition that a doctor can comment on. I’m a relationship expert with no medical background. 😉

As for feeling battered — you have to take a step back and see your part in this. You’re not a victim. 😉 You put yourself into a situation with a man who has a history of not treating you well. There were a couple of yellow lights in this last phase of the relationship — for instance you mention that you invited him to a few events, but he only went to one. 😕 Not a good sign. When he refused to go your office Christmas party in 2014 and then started to distance himself for you — that was your neon flashing sign to back off and move on. Instead, you ignored his behavior and began to chase him by telling him you wanted the relationship, you wanted to know his feelings (guys hate this), and ignoring the fact that he didn’t give you a straight answer. He was on his way out of the relationship — but you kept pursuing. You didn’t see each other for a month then (that was him basically sending you an invitation to leave the relationship), and then you invited him over for dinner and sex. You saw messages to another woman on his cell when he wasn’t looking, and then you got involved with his other girlfriend. 😮 These were all ways you were pursuing and staying engaged with him when he was giving you signs that he wasn’t interested. Guys have sex because you’re willing and they’re ready — it doesn’t mean they love you. 😳

Sometimes people need to hit a particularly low point in order to realize someone isn’t right for them. The hope is that you’ve hit that spot and will now move on. 😉 Re-read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595374662/ref=lpr_g_1/102-2178981-9624908?s=ebooks&v=glance&n=551440) — and stick to the advice in there! 😀 If you do, you won’t find yourself in this type of situation.

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