[Alley1700]

Thanks for your response, April. I have seen a doctor, but there is really nothing they can do. It’s just something I have to live with and hope that someone is willing to catch it in order to be with me, which is what I am struggling with. No one wanted me before I had this. Who would want me now?? I let this guy walk all over me, and in the end I have been left all alone while he gets his dream girl. It’s not fair. I know I should have ended things a long time ago, but I was so head over heels for him that I could not bring myself to do it. I was so blinded by love for him and I wanted it to work out so badly that I let him use me. I feel so angry at myself for this. How do I make myself stop thinking about him? I am so caught up in what he is currently doing with her that I literally cannot think about anything else. I am still in so much pain. Should I just start trying to date again to forget about him?

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you understand your part in this unhealthy relationship, but you’re not ready to get healthy yet. 🙁 When your desire to have a happy, healthy relationship, is greater than your desire to be in this painful one, then you’ll be ready to move on. For now, it sounds like you haven’t hit rock bottom. 😕 Sadly, this means you’re in for more pain.

You have to decide you’re ready to get healthy, and then take the steps to do so — which mean focusing on you, not him and not her. Go volunteer to take your mind off your own problems — people with cancer, veterans home from challenging deployment and animals who’ve been abandoned are all beings with bigger problems than you have, so if you can focus on helping instead of wallowing in victimhood, you’ll start to stop thinking of him and start focusing on good. 🙂 Your work and career are probably great ways to focus your energy on what’s positive, and seeing supportive and nurturing friends and family, so you’re to lonely, are also good ways to stop focusing on him.

The ball is in your court 100 percent, but you have to want to do the work. If you don’t, and until you do, there’s nothing I can do to help you. 😥

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[Ethan Morales]

You are not being paranoid what you’re noticing are legitimate red flags. Let’s break it down.

Positive Signs, He calls and texts you consistently and lets you know what he’s doing. He seems reliable in communication. He made you dinner and expresses interest in you physically. He’s articulate and affectionate at times. These are all positive, but communication and affection alone don’t guarantee a healthy relationship. They need to be balanced with respect, emotional availability, and interest in your life.

Sex-first mentality: Wanting sex on the first date isn’t automatically bad, but his actions suggest he prioritizes sex over emotional connection, especially when combined with the booty-call behavior. Lack of interest in your life: Not remembering what you say, not paying attention to your interests, and only engaging when it’s about him shows self-centered behavior. A real partner invests in learning about and valuing you.

Ex-girlfriend focus: Multiple pictures of an ex on his bedside, constant talk about her, and comparing you to her is highly inappropriate. This indicates he hasn’t fully moved on and isn’t fully emotionally available to you. Disrespectful or off-putting behavior: Calling you “fucker” in a joking way that makes you uncomfortable shows lack of awareness of boundaries.

Avoiding integration: He hasn’t introduced you to his friends after a month while meeting yours multiple times. This can be a sign he’s keeping you at a distance socially. Using you for sex: Stopping by just for sex and then leaving for other plans without spending quality time with you is a major red flag, especially when it makes you feel used.

Your feelings are valid You said, “I don’t want to be used as just a sex toy… that has happened to me before.” That’s exactly what’s happening here. Your intuition is correct. Feeling used is not paranoia it’s your emotional self protecting you.

Even if he has good qualities, the combination of emotional neglect, focus on exes, and prioritizing sex over connection is a pattern. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, attention, and emotional investment, not just texting or calling consistently.

He may like you, but his behavior shows he isn’t fully ready for a serious relationship with you. Your desire for emotional connection is valid. If he can’t provide that, you risk being hurt again. You don’t need to decide immediately observe for a few more weeks while keeping boundaries. But do not ignore these red flags or make excuses for them.

[PassionSeeker]

Alley, I can feel how exhausted and hurt you are and I don’t blame you. You’ve spent a long time hoping this man would finally give you what you’ve been giving him: care, consistency, respect. But everything in what you’ve written shows he never will. He’s not a man working through his issues he’s a man using his “issues” as an excuse to keep you around on his terms.

The truth is, he showed you exactly who he was early on emotionally unavailable, selfish, and content to take what you offered without ever giving back. You kept holding on because you wanted the potential, not the reality. But you don’t need to wait for him to choose you; you can choose yourself now.

HSV-1 doesn’t make you unworthy of love. Millions of people live with it and still have full, happy relationships. It doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t end your chances at intimacy. What it does mean is that next time, you’ll choose better because now you know what not to accept. Let this be your final heartbreak from him, not your reason to give up.

[James Smith]

Oh boy, reading your story felt like watching someone try to make a smoothie with a toaster. Every single “red flag” you listed was like a new plot twist in a bad rom-com that forgot to be romantic. I once dated a girl who also had her ex’s pictures up—right above her bed. I asked if she could take them down, and she said, “Why? He looks happy there.” I left before dessert. 😂

You’re not paranoid, you’re paying attention. The guy sounds like he’s more into convenience than connection. When a man keeps showing up for sex but forgets basic things you say, that’s not chemistry—it’s autopilot. And calling you “f****r”? Nah, that’s not teasing, that’s lazy disrespect.

I have to ask, what’s holding you back from walking away? Because deep down, it feels like you already know you deserve someone who listens, shows up, and maybe, just maybe, knows how to hold a door.

[Marcus king]

Hi Alley,

I can tell you’ve been paying close attention and you should. You’re not being paranoid; you’re being aware. The early stages of dating are when people show you who they are, and your gut is already sensing imbalance.

Let’s be honest here: a man who truly wants to know you will listen, remember, and invest time in your world not just show up at your place for sex. Right now, most of his energy seems focused on physical connection and convenience, not emotional depth.

The biggest red flags?
– Talking about his ex often and still keeping her photos nearby. That’s not “cleaning up,” that’s holding on.
– Treating you casually in small ways (no doors, calling you “fucker”) those details show comfort, but also disrespect.
– Limiting your connection to private time together, never blending you into his social life. That’s a pattern of someone keeping things surface-level.

Yes, he calls and texts regularly but consistency doesn’t always equal care. Sometimes it’s just routine. A man can text daily and still not be emotionally available.

You don’t need to “wait and see.” You’ve seen plenty. A month in, you should feel valued, respected, and wanted beyond sex. Instead, you’re confused and uneasy that’s your answer.

If you want something real, pull back. Don’t chase clarity through conversation let your distance speak. You can simply say:

“I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I’m looking for something deeper and I don’t feel we’re on the same page.”

Then step back and watch what he does. If he truly wants you, he’ll rise to meet your needs. If not, he’ll fade and that’ll save you months of slow heartbreak.

You’re not asking for too much, Alley. You’re just asking the wrong man.

[Tara]

Every single red flag you listed tells you exactly what this man wants, and it is not a relationship. He is showing you who he is through his habits, not his words.

He wanted sex immediately, and now that he has it, your “dates” take place in your apartment. That is convenience, not affection. He forgets what you say because he does not care to remember. He talks about his ex because she still holds space in his mind. He keeps her pictures because he enjoys the nostalgia. That is not someone who has emotionally moved on or who is ready to build something new.

Calling you names, even as a “joke,” shows lack of respect. Not introducing you to his friends keeps you separated from his real life. Stopping by for sex on his way somewhere else is exactly what it looks like. You felt used because you were.

You are clinging to the few consistent behaviors he has, like texting and calling, as if they outweigh everything else. But that is the bare minimum, not proof of commitment. You are confusing contact with connection.

This is not about being scared to lose him. It is about recognizing that you already are not being treated like someone he intends to keep. You do not fix this by being patient. You fix it by walking away before it gets worse.

[Sally]

It sounds like you really like him, but the way he’s acting isn’t making you feel safe or important. Forgetting what you say, talking about his ex, and mostly showing up for sex would make anyone uncomfortable.

When you look at his actions, they don’t match someone building something real. He doesn’t take you out anymore, doesn’t include you with his friends, and keeps old ex photos by his bed. That’s not nothing.

If this were a story, you’d probably notice the red flags quicker than you are right now. They’re pretty clear.

A guy who’s serious tries to make space for you in his life, not just his bedroom.

Honestly, it feels like he wants the fun without the commitment. You’re not being paranoid. You just need to ask him what he actually wants before you get more attached.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve been through a lot emotionally, and it’s understandable why you’re feeling hurt, confused, and frustrated. From the start, there were clear warning signs the early push for sex, the lack of interest in your life and thoughts, and the lingering attachment to his ex that suggest he wasn’t fully emotionally available or ready to invest in a genuine, balanced relationship. Even though he showed some consistency in communication, those behaviors don’t override the red flags, especially the way he made your connection largely about convenience or physical intimacy. A relationship should feel mutual, affirming, and attentive, not like you’re constantly trying to win someone over while feeling sidelined.

The biggest concern to me is the repeated pattern of inconsistency and emotional unavailability. He made promises to work on himself and therapy, but even when he indicated he was ready to start a relationship, his actions avoiding your friends and family, prioritizing other commitments over you, and ultimately cheating show a lack of true commitment. This isn’t about timing or “life being busy”; it’s about priorities. When someone truly values you, they make intentional space for you, respect your boundaries, and build a foundation of trust. None of that was happening here, and you were left carrying the emotional weight while he navigated his own convenience.

Discovering the texts with another woman and realizing he was being dishonest with both of you was, understandably, devastating. This kind of behavior is not just a red flag it’s a flashing neon sign that this relationship was not safe, respectful, or sustainable. You were right to remove yourself from that situation. What’s important now is to shift the focus back to yourself, your boundaries, and your healing. You’ve experienced a lot of emotional trauma and betrayal, and it’s okay necessary, even to take space to process, rebuild trust in yourself, and redefine what you want in a partner.

Regarding HSV-1, yes, it’s something you’ll need to be honest about in future relationships, but it doesn’t diminish your worth or your ability to find someone who respects and loves you fully. Your value isn’t defined by what happened with him; it’s defined by how you care for yourself, honor your boundaries, and choose partners who treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Right now, the best thing you can do is give yourself grace, focus on your healing, and remember that a healthy relationship is supposed to feel secure, reciprocal, and affirming not like a rollercoaster of confusion, hurt, and uncertainty. You deserve better, and there are people out there who will love you in the way you’ve been hoping for

[KeishaMartin]

This man wasn’t confused, wounded, or “working on himself” he was hungry and lazy. He fed on access, attention, and sex while giving crumbs of commitment, and every time you stayed, you taught him he could take more without paying the price. April Masini says clean and sharp behavior is the truth. Not therapy talk. Not childhood trauma. Not “maybe someday.” If a man wants you, he brings you into his life, friends, plans, daylight, effort. If he keeps you behind closed doors and shows up for one-hour performances? You’re not his partner, you’re his convenience.

The danger wasn’t just him, it was the hope you kept dressing up as loyalty. You didn’t lose him; you outgrew the fantasy. And yes, the STI hurts emotionally and physically but it does not end your romantic future. April Masini has said this in different ways for years: women don’t become unlovable because of a diagnosis, but they do become stronger when they stop confusing intimacy with worth. The moment you stopped chasing, the spell broke that power, even if it doesn’t feel sexy yet.

Christmas doesn’t lie. Christmas parties expose everything, who claims you, who hides you, who shows up with pride and who disappears after sex. Christmas breakups happen because silence gets louder when the lights come on and the year slows down. April Masini’s advice cuts through the tinsel, don’t romanticize men who wouldn’t stand next to you under the tree. This chapter ends here not in shame, but in heat, clarity, and self-respect. And trust me, the next man won’t be confused… because you won’t accept confusion as love anymore.

[Member]

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