[mamom92]

I feel like Im trapped. My husband and I are 7 years apart. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage that do not live with us but still see. I just had a boy about 7mo ago B4 marriage, we were rocky, he had cheated online but never physically he says. I had still been texting my ex who I still think about. But we wanted to stay together and then we got pregnant. I felt even worse. He insists on me staying home and despises when I wear make up leisurely and have form fitting clothes on. after he expresses his disgust for my attire tells me Im beautiful. I feel like I am being selfish bc my baby needs a dad. We still say I love you everyday and have a sex life (barely) and I don’t want to side blind him and our boy. Im lost, please help

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in a little bit first:

How old are you both?

How long have you been married?

How long did you date before getting married?

[mamom92]

I’m sorry I didn’t include this, I had a paragraph typed with the whole story (it’s a LONG twisted one) but it was too long. He is 30 and I just turned 24. We’ve been married about 7 months we dated for about 2 years before marriage. I feel like we’re married for the baby. He asked me to marry him about 5 months into dating and he was just getting a divorce, after this supposed first proposal he was messaging women and I was not serious. He was never single between marriages. An update: we haven’t bought our first home and he wants too. Every single thing gives me anxiety. I am excited to get a home one day seeing we are renting now but I feel like I’m digging myself deeper.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. You started dating him when you were 22 and he proposed to you while he was still married to someone else, about 5 months into dating you. Since then, he’s gotten divorced and the two of you got pregnant and are married, but it doesn’t sound like either of you were very serious about the marriage — he was playing the field after proposing to you and you mentioned you weren’t very serious about the marriage. Nonetheless, you agreed to marry him and now you have a baby together! Now he gets upset when you talk about getting a job or dressing up and you’re still interested in your ex.

You’re not happy. He’s only happy as long as you’re compliant. And he’s probably seeing other women or will be if he isn’t already. I don’t think this is going to last, from the way you’ve written it. So, here’s my advice. You really should get a job, even if he doesn’t want you to. Lots of couples disagree and come to compromises over working, raising kids, and all sorts of issues. Maybe getting a part time job will help. I think the job will give you some stability and perspective so you can make better decisions from here on out. Your baby is going to have a father whether the two of you are married or divorced. But you have to take better care of yourself. 😉 The marriage probably wasn’t a good idea for you to agree to or go along with, and it’s important that you don’t become a victim and make sure you’re taking care of yourself. 🙂 That’s why the job is a good idea.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[mamom92]

Thank you April! Going to get out of the house and work part time and see how it goes. You helped more than you can imagine. Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

It makes sense you feel trapped. There’s love there, history there, and a baby tying everything together, but also a lot of control and fear mixed in.
The makeup and clothes thing worries me. When someone puts you down first and then tells you you’re beautiful, it messes with your head. That’s not protection, that’s insecurity leaking out sideways. And staying home because he insists, not because you choose it, can slowly make you feel smaller.

Wanting your child to have a dad doesn’t mean you have to disappear as a person. Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need calm, safety, and honesty. You’re not selfish for questioning this. You’re paying attention.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. Just don’t ignore that quiet voice telling you something isn’t right. It’s there for a reason.

[Tara]

You’re not trapped, you’re tolerating control because you’re afraid of being alone and calling it a sacrifice for your child. Your husband is not protecting you; he’s policing you. A man who dictates how you dress, shames you for makeup, isolates you at home, cheats (online still counts), then sprinkles in compliments to keep you compliant, isn’t confused; he’s managing you. And you’re participating by staying emotionally split, still thinking about your ex, pretending “I love you,” and occasional sex equals a healthy marriage. They don’t. That’s maintenance mode, not intimacy. Your child doesn’t need a “dad” at any cost; he needs a stable environment with a mother who isn’t shrinking herself to keep the peace. What you’re modeling right now is fear, resentment, and self-betrayal, and kids absorb that like oxygen.

[Member]

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