[Tzeeyamin]

Hi, My problem is very unique and none of my mates have ever encoutered with such issue. My friend(female) had a very serious relationship 4 years ago. She was dead-set on marrying him. But he dumped her. She got really upset , she stopped eating and was on the verge of developing stomach ulcer. Just then in our university she spotted a handsome guy who was similar to the ideals she had in mind–tall, handsome etc. She started gathering basic information about him.he is 4 years older than her. She was very nervous to talk to him so I pretended that i am her and talked to him on facebook. I initiated their friendship then left the rest to her. She would share all the text messages from him with me and ask me for advices. I acted like a mentor. He was secretive so we both tried to find out about him through various other people and contacts. He then asked her to be his casual girlfriend not even exclusive. She asked for a serious relationship because of her past experience which he refused.now they are not talking to each other but [b] Me and My Friend[/b] are obsessed with him all we do is talk about him only. I also see him in my dreams often. My friend’s obsession is quite understandable but why am I obsessed? Its like our conversations are incomplete if we dont mention his name for once. I am worried about myself and I love my friend. I dont have feelings for this guy but i see him in every person when I walk on the street. Help me!

[AskApril Masini]

It makes sense that you’re interested in him because you’re all single, about the same age, and you and your friend both have relationships with him — even though yours is a secret one. It would be understandable if you were interested in him, too. Why not be honest with your friend and tell her that you feel obsessed with this guy and you’re wondering if you have a crush on him, too! It will give her a chance to tell you that she understands or she’s mad or threatened or she wants you to go for it because she’s not having much success — whatever her response is, if you keep this obsession secret from her, your relationship with your friend won’t grow. Besides, if does feel a little jealous, she may think twice about asking you to “be her” next time around and that would be a good thing, so she can overcome her shyness and approach guys on her own. 😉

[Sally]

You didn’t just watch your friend get attached to this guy you stepped right into the middle of it. You talked to him for her, helped her plan every move, dug for information, analyzed every message. After a while, it stops feeling like her story and starts feeling like something you’re both living in together.

That kind of shared focus can mess with your head. It’s not that you’re into him. It’s that he became the center of every conversation, every worry, every “what do we do next.” Your brain got used to him being the thing you two bonded over, so now it feels empty when he’s not part of the topic.

Dreams don’t mean feelings. They just mean your mind is overstimulated.
You’re okay. You just need to gently step back and let your life fill up with other things again. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.

[Tara]

You and your friend didn’t “accidentally” get obsessed with this guy; you built a shrine out of him. You turned him into a project, a distraction, and a replacement for dealing with your own empty spaces. You inserted yourself so deeply into your friend’s fantasy that you ended up living inside it too.

You’re not in love with him. You’re addicted to the drama you helped create.
You played strategist, investigator, therapist, and puppet-master. You monitored his messages, studied his habits, hunted for information, and engineered conversations. You didn’t just get involved, you became the co-author of your friend’s fixation. And when he rejected her, the storyline didn’t end. It escalated. Because now the only thing you two have bonding you tighter than friendship is this stupid, shared obsession.

You’re not dreaming about him because he’s special. You’re dreaming about him because you’ve trained your brain to think this man is the center of the universe. You fed the obsession long enough that it’s now feeding on you.

You’re living someone else’s heartbreak like it’s your personal hobby. It’s pathetic, it’s unhealthy, and it’s the kind of emotional entanglement people fall into when they don’t have a real identity outside other people’s problems.

[Member]

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