[Bartender2012]

Originally typed November, 2012
I’m a 45 year old woman who’s been dating a guy on and off for 5 years. We had problems in our relationship, almost all of which he corrected. The main problem was sex. He just didn’t push my buttons like other guys did, but he was everything else I wanted in a man/future husband.
Throughout those 5 years, we dated other people off and on. I wasn’t attracted to him and only wanted to be friends. The way we got back together was, he told me about a woman he was dating and said he liked her. At that moment, something “clicked” in my mind – like he wasn’t “mine” anymore. I felt like I was about to lose him and I was scared.
He is the most supportive person in the world – more supportive than my family has ever been. He loves me and wants to marry me. We have a special bond. Why can’t my heart just tell me to “go for it?”
We’re extremely close. I feel so safe and secure with him, like a pair of comfortable jeans you don’t want to throw away. He always makes me laugh and we have a lot of fun. We could have fun locked up in a closet!
I love him deeply, but not sure if I love him as a husband. We mutually agreed to be exclusive right now, but I still think about a guy I used to date who I was extremely compatible with in bed, but unfortunately, he wasn’t nearly as attentive as my guy is so I decided to give him up.
I don’t feel butterflies and the sex and kissing isn’t all that great, despite my communications with him. He’s tried everything to make me happy, and there has been “some” improvement, but I’m not satisfied.
Should I wait until I find “the whole package?”

Updated as of January 2013

A few weeks ago, he told me that he accidentally met someone. He wasn’t looking for anyone since he’s always liked me. But I was always pushing him away. After he told me that, it slowly started to affect me and he thought I was just jealous since this happened in August 2012 (only he wasn’t attracted to the woman he was dating back then).
I literally woke up one day and freaked out, realizing that this is my soul mate! It was too late now and I’m going to lose him. Nobody ever treated me the way he treats me. I’m hopelessly in love with him now! I can’t eat, sleep, or function. I lost 12 pounds. My heart is beating outside my chest and there’s a pit in my stomach. Why couldn’t I feel this way sooner?
We had sex 1 week ago (I initiated it) and it was mind-blowing. It was never mind-blowing since he didn’t know everything I liked, but I have been communicating this to him over the past few months. He couldn’t keep his hands off me. It’s always like that whenever we see each other. I always have a way of turning him on.
Now, the bad part…..He’s only been dating this woman for 3 weeks. He slept with her and he likes her, but he’s not in love, nor does he want to get serious. But I think she’s falling for him because she asked him to be exclusive and he accepted. She invited him to Sunday dinner to meet her family. She’s going to take him away from me since she thinks he’s available.
We met for drinks a couple of days ago and he told me all of this. He said that he always had feelings for me, but I kept pushing him away. He said he can’t guarantee anything, but he doesn’t want me out of his life – it would devastate him since he still has feelings for me, but he’s afraid I might dump him all over again.
We passionately made out in his car and I didn’t care if anybody saw. I finally told him my true feelings for him – that I love him so much and now it’s too late. I broke down and started crying hysterically. Since he already slept with her, he doesn’t want to sleep with 2 people and he wants to give her a chance, but he doesn’t want to lose me, either. He wants to hang out with me, talk and text until he can straighten out his feelings because he’s confused and this woman is innocent.
There’s more. He planned months ago on buying me an iPad for Christmas and also a used car. He was out of work on disability all year because he needed surgery. He just returned to work a few weeks ago. I have been unemployed for 2 years and had my own apartment. I was laid off from an Executive Assistant position. I have 25 years experience and am very skilled. I just earned my Associates Degree over the summer of 2012 and I still couldn’t find a job, even after having my resume professionally updated, and networking. My unemployment ran out and I was forced to move back in with my ex husband and kids. One day in October, we had a casual conversation about changing careers. He said, what about Bartending? I thought about it and researched it and decided to do it. I’m now Bartending at the Doubletree Hilton and I absolutely love it! I changed careers after 25 years and I’m really happy. But, I’m saving money to move out and get my own apartment. That won’t happen for another couple of months at least. And I’ll need that used car my friend promised, so I can’t omit him from my life. I need him. My ex is letting me use his spare car to get to work.
I’m beside myself. I don’t know what the right thing is to do. He’s always been my best supportive friend for over 5 years. The guy’s not a creep, but this is a very delicate situation. Should I just be patient and give it time because it’s only been 3 weeks, or should I just shut him out of my life completely?
Please help! I’m desperate.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is to let go and move on — but learn your lessons from this experience. I never recommend men and women become friends — because it never works. And if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize he’s not your friend — he’s your ex. Big difference.

Next, know what you want. If you want to get married, then don’t date anyone who isn’t compatible with that goal. It’s a waste of time. 😳

And lastly, consider that he was never your Mr. Right, since for five years you pushed him away, and only when you realized he was dating someone else, did you decide he was your soulmate. 🙄 Either you knew, deep down, that he wasn’t right for you, so you pushed him away for five long years, or that’s how you treat people you want in your life 😕 — which isn’t going to guarantee longevity in a relationship.

Congratulations on the job — it sounds like you’re getting your life together, and that this jolt is going to make you realize that you do want to get married, and you need to take your relationships more seriously. That’s a gift. 😉

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