[sweetstars]

Hello,

My boyfriend and I are dating for almost a year now, 11 months now. I love my boyfriend very much, in love. But I am in need of an advice/ opinions/ thoughts.

When my boyfriend and I were having our passion moments one night, all of a sudden he stops, he tells me not to get mad. I agreed, thinking it wouldn’t be that bad and he said that he had some pictures of him and his ex from when they were together for like 6 years, but they broke up about 3 years ago due to his ex cheating on him. (We had agreed to open up to each other when we needed each other). But to my surprise he got the dvd from a lock-box, put the dvd disk on, and it presented a slide show showing explicit pictures of himself and his ex. It was very disturbing and I started to feel tears running my eyes, was feeling very hurt and I could not keep seeing it, I told him that I could not stand it anymore. I turned around, in shock, and I was speechless. He turned it off, and told me how much he loves me and he was trying to tell me I am his best woman ever, but to me I don’t feel right. It also puts to my head he might have also ” have his moment of play ” with himself with the dvd, that I question, but porno, that I don’t care, it’s a man thing, but an ex? That sticks to my head, why would he keep it for? For what point and purpose would it help having an ex in a explicit CD instead of a porno CD?

Although I feel very disrespected, disturbed and extremely upset about learning how he kept this from me while being in the relationship and it makes me feel like he is giving me a sign that he is not let go of the past entirely 100%. But In my opinion and feelings for any relationship and before getting into one, that for anybody, most women or males they would usually dispose them, most of the time.

So for a few days ago I tried to confront him but he shut me down, I decided to leave and not call until he is ready to talk to me. I still get tears and I have tried to forget and relax, trying to sleep but I get restless, I keep waking up every morning between 2AM to 4 AM every day, since I can see these disturbing pictures in my head and I try to ignore and go back to sleep. I feel very disturbed and very hurt that he does not come to realize how much it hurts me and yet how much I feel the need of a serious talk and I really want to have a talk with him, but I am waiting for him to call me first. I feel that I am feeling very bottled up and I cannot express and talk to family due to this since it is personal, but I have talked to one person who is close to me yesterday, she felt the same way if it was her, and would not accept in those terms. But I felt that I tried to talk, it doesn’t help at all, I would like to hear some opinions/advice what to do??

Disturbed and disgusted.

[Ask April Masini]

Your boyfriend is expressing some kind of historic, repressed anger at you, and you’re right to be very disturbed. I’m pretty sure that this is deep seeded and has to do with his past, and that you’re just the victim of some pattern he’s repeating. That said, this relationship is over. What he did is cruel and inexcusable, and his refusal to apologize, let alone speak to you, since the event makes it very clear that he’s not for you. (Or anyone.)

Here’s when it’s okay to have those kinds of photos: It’s understandable for people to keep photos or mementos of past lovers or ex-spouses, and putting them up in a box in the closet, the garage or an attic is a way of keeping part of your past without having it be part of your present. In other words, if someone keeps photos of an ex-spouse or lover on the coffee table in the living room, they’re CLEARLY not over that person, and THAT’S a problem, but in a locked box in a closet, this is understandable. In fact, that they were explicit pictures of your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend of three years ago doesn’t even bother me so much. If he kept the naked photos in a locked box in the closet, and at the same time, was a great boyfriend to you, I’d give him a pass on all of this. In fact, I’d think this is the kind of guy who likes to look at naked photos of women, probably buys Playboy magazine, and falls within the range of normal guys.

[b]BUT[/b]…the fact that while you were having sex with him, he stops everything, pulls out the photos and puts on a slide show of him and his ex-girlfriend in sexually explicit poses, for you to watch, while you’re ostensibly naked — well, that’s sick and cruel. He’s really trying to hurt you.

The fact that he won’t talk about it, just proves the point. I mean, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt is tough! Perhaps he had the convoluted idea that you’d get turned on by these photos, the way some couples enjoy soft core porn, once you didn’t, he would have apologized (profusely) and immediately made your discomfort the center of his attention. But his not wanting to talk about it is emotionally abusive.

So here are your instructions from me: This relationship is over. After 11 months he’s now showed you some true colors of his personality and character that are disturbing and cruel. They’re deal breakers. If you do stay with him, I suspect he will escalate this behavior to try and hurt you and control you. I’m glad you found one friend to talk to about this — try to find some more. Once you break up with him, I think you’ll be able to find some peace and maybe even get some sleep! Part of your discomfort has been his abuse coupled with your relationship. But he’s not your husband or a family member. He’s just a boyfriend, and as of today, he’s an ex-boyfriend! You can cut him out of your life, and you’ll never have to experience that again. This guy is a bad clinker. Other men are not like this. So take time to heal yourself from the break up that I want you to do [i]today[/i], and then get back out there. You’ll have better luck next time. I’m sure of it.

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