[stuckinhouston]

Hi,
I’m 41 male and have been married to my wife since 2003. We have a 5 month old child and our relationship is at it’s all time worst.

My wife has turned into someone that I can’t believe I’m stuck with and I don’t know what to do. She is 2 years younger than me but has immaturity issues when it comes to discussing problems or working together to solve them.

A little about her:
She is the type of person that doesn’t have any hobbies or never knows what to do. On her days off she cleans the house and cooks all day. There are pros to this I know. However if it were up to her we would never do anything but she would complain about being bored but she doesnt know what to do. With a new child (our first). New tasks are obviously added to our day so it’s now worse than ever.

She has alot of friends but none of them live in our state as we relocated 2 years ago and she hasn’t made 1 friend here. I’ve introduced her to people but she hasn’t made a connection so stays at home alone. I’ve even enrolled us in social sites like meetup to try to make friends for her but no luck.

She has problems doing small things sometimes; like operating the a/c or figuring out how to turn on the TV. I’m constantly having to pull extra weight due to her lack of trouble shooting skills. I did think she was ‘challenged’ but would have to say she is very smart and has a great career.

About me:
As much as I like to be lazy and watch TV I need to stay active. Extreme & adventure sports keep me balanced and happy. I have included my wife in alot of these (not all; ie skydiving). It’s a bit of a forced action with frustration but later she admits she enjoyed and thanks me for pushing her.

Our problem:
Communication problems have existed but since our child things have went extremely bad. I travel for work during the week and she is now working alot of weekends. After the baby; she experienced sadness and 1 month old I found history on our computer of her looking for a place to live. She admitted and said she didn’t want to leave but was just frustrated.

We’ve got into a place where I don’t really talk to her as she is a horrible listener. Anytime I ever talk about my feelings or ask for help with emotional support she gets mad and becomes distant. Embarrassingly I have dealt with depression and 9/10 days I’m great; but there are days were I know I’ve worked too many 14 hours days and haven’t had a day off where I feel loss of hope. I recently told her I was having a hard time with all the travel and long days and haven’t had a day off in weeks so had some life questioning thoughts. She got mad and told me I was selfish and how could I consider leaving my son alone in the world. Of all people in the world one should be able to be open and honest with their spouse if they need help right?

If we are together for the weekend; I try to make the best of it. This past weekend I took her on a weekend trip with our son. We had a 3 hour drive and finally about 11am; I said we really needed to be on the road; but she still wasn’t ready. She got very angry that she was rushed and said I always did this. Drove over; she slept as usual and when we got there; we walked around the tourist section and took a boat tour. Afterwards we tried to find a place to eat; but most places had 60-120 min wait. Unheard of I know. I was carrying our son in the car seat as the stroller wouldn’t work as too many stairs. Every place I picked she didn’t like and when I asked her to pick a place she got mad and told me she’d rather go to hotel and not eat. She constantly walks 10 steps behind me at the rate of an elderly person. We gave up on dinner and went to the hotel. She then got mad as she felt I should know where we were going to eat. (neither of us had been to this city before: I booked it; took care of everything except dinner reservations as I thought this should be simple for us to figure out).

We’ve lost all intimacy and she is really letting herself go. Doesn’t put effort in her appearance anymore.

My problem is we are at a stale mate. I can’t give someone attention and love that I don’t consider to be a friend. For me I need to respect and feel like my spouse should have my back. We should be able to have good to great conversation and I realize every day isn’t paradise so not afraid to work at the relationship.

She feels like I need to give her more attention and affection but it’s like carrying around a suitcase with no handles. She doesn’t have an opinion; doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything.

How can I make this work if my wife could care less about me as a person. Do I sacrifice my personal happiness and needs to give her attention and just spend the rest of my life pretending I’m happy or ‘settle’ for this is my bed I’ve created and I know have to sleep in it?

I long for romance, friendship, and passion in my life. My wife has turned into a housekeeper as all her energy is around cooking and cleaning.

Do I go against all I know and get a divorce and leave my son in a split marriage? or stay for him?

Desperately hoping for guidance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your marriage is in crisis and so are you. It’s hard for you to have a perspective from inside the problem, so let me try and help you gain a little perspective:

1. Any couple with a five month old baby is going to have a lot of the problems you have. I know that may not make you feel better, but I want you to know that you’re not alone in this, and your situation is not abnormal. Couples do get out of this rut — and it isn’t easy. Some of them don’t make it, but most do.

2. You and your wife are both depressed. You’re both working long hour careers and are raising a five month old. You’re probably sleep deprived. If she’s nursing, her sex drive is dampened or gone. Your old life of freedom is gone (anyone who has a child goes through this), and it’s hard to see your old life of freedom in the rear view mirror getting smaller and smaller with each day.

3. The problems you’re having are not necessarily deal breakers in and of themselves, but the litany of them and the daily grind with the depression and the transitional shock of becoming parents to a newborn, are devastating you.

Okay, so those are your problems. Now, let’s look at how you and your wife can make them better:

1. Get help. Childcare is the first thing that comes to mind. I know you relocated, but can you get in-laws or family members to fly in for a weekend so the two of you can drive or fly out? Regular babysitters? Childcare? You need a break from being parents.

2. Nurse the depression. Exercise, enough sleep, eating well, cutting back on alcohol and other depressants, and doing nice things for yourselves as individuals is going to help. A manicure pedicure and a massage may turn your haggard wife into someone you actually recognize. Try and remember what makes you both feel good — individually — and try to make sure you both have those things re-introduced into your lives. New babies require a tremendous amount of energy when things are going well — it’s normal to let yourselves go, but now it’s time to spoon feed yourselves some nurturing.

3. Sex. I know it’s the last thing in the world she wants to do, but this is going to make you both feel better. Don’t pressure her, but try to introduce romance, seduction, caresses, touches and little notes telling her how much you appreciate what is good and wonderful about her. She needs to be seduced, and you both need sex and the good chemical changes it produces.

4. Romance. You’re very even toned in your criticism and you even throw in a couple of bones about what a great career she has waged. Now, it’s time to appreciate her. She’s just done something monumental — birthed a baby! And she’s taking good care of it. She’s nesting and taking care of the home (maternal instinct), and you have to find ways to show her how much you appreciate her — and tell her how much you miss her. It’s normal for husbands to feel displaced. Biologically, women turn to the new baby with their love and affection and there’s survival reasons for this in Darwin’s books. But you can try and seduce her away now and then. Don’t make it a war with the baby on one side and you on the other. Instead, heap on the romance and ask for a little time for you because you miss her affection.

5. Go to the park with your wife, your baby, a stroller and snacks on the weekend. You’ll meet lots of other couples with babies and they’ll ALL be in the same boat you are. You can make friends together, as a couple that way, and you’ll get instant support.

This is just a start, and you can tell that I don’t think it’s time for either one of you to leave. You have too many NORMAL problems here and you have a baby who needs both of you — and frankly, your wife needs you, too. Both of you looking for a way out is too easy. You’re both better than that, but you’re exhausted and have lost your way.

Let me know if any of this helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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