[PabloConfused]

I never thought I’d be using a site like this, but then again, I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like I do right now, haha.

So, to go to the beginning, I’m a guy and met a girl last semester at college. We hit it off pretty quickly and things got flirty frequently, all the time, whether we were alone together or around other people. I knew the girl was planning to transfer elsewhere (about 2.5 hours away) at the end of the semester so I tried my best to put a cap on my feelings, but it just did not work; there was way too much of a connection. We had many little games, inside jokes, and a whole myriad of other things that we could call our own that we enjoyed sharing with each other. The semester ended (with very long, emotional goodbye hugs and words) and the summer rolled around. I realized then that I was in no mood to give this up, distance be damned.

We kept in touch via e-mail and the phone regularly, building up to my paying her a visit at her new school at a function hosted there. We met up and things instantly got back to where they were before. I got a million and one hugs, “I really missed you”s, and hand-holding. It seemed to be obvious there were still feelings; while in line for something, she ordered what she wanted and randomly turned to me and went “I…really missed you” and gave me a hug (one of many seemingly random outbursts of that); we walked about the place holding hands or arm-in-arm for long periods of time; she reached out for several hand holds while we were all sitting down at the function; and during an intermission, she completely ditched another friend of hers who had come up to visit her to hang out with me one-on-one for a while. The day again ended with a long, emotional hug and goodbye. After this day, I felt extremely confident about where everything was heading.

This was further validated in continued communications after this, via e-mail and the phone. Phone conversations had now gotten to where she regularly referred to me as “My man” when telling her stories of things that happened to me here, and ended with goodbyes like “Hugs and kisses!” and things of that sort, all the while staying flirty and friendly like always before. I continued to feel great about where things were heading. I thought I could make this work, despite the distance.

Then came the phone conversation a few days ago. A long, flirty conversation like usual ensued, and when I made a typical joke along the lines of “So, you gonna admit your feelings for me any time soon?” I got the bomb dropped on me. She responds playfully “Noooooooo…well, I actually have something to tell you about that: I’ve been on a couple dates with this guy.” I managed to keep it together and listened to her tell me about how she’s connected with this guy faster than anyone else she’s ever met. I continued to keep it all together until the conversation ended. I had a playful e-mail like we usually exchange from her in my inbox a few minutes after the conversation ended, which almost made me feel worse about this all. Distance, bane of my existence….

I’ve not been doing well in the days following this revelation. I am in absolutely no mood to give up on this; I have put a lot into this, but I am just not sure of what I have at my disposal at this point. I feel I’m creeping towards getting myself stuck in the friend zone if I keep up communication like normal and have to hear about this new guy, but given the distance, not communicating (which would be very conspicuous given the frequency with which we currently communicate) runs the risk of my falling out of her consciousness, which I was doing a great job of avoiding. At the same time, if there are feelings and I suddenly fall out of the picture, she’ll likely try to get my attention back…and if not, then it’s definitely over. It’s a gamble.

There’s also the fact that she and I share a mutual friend, a girl, who I am on absolutely fantastic terms with…but she seems to be more a friend of the girl I’m after than me. I was considering trying to get her to help, but I worry that it could create more harm than good if her loyalties are with the girl I’m after. Yet another gamble, but I’m starting to think I might have to take a big one at this point.

Others say it’s just college (she’s a junior) and that people come and go all the time, so I shouldn’t feel too defeated yet.

Any advice?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. The problem is that the two of you never dated. She was looking for a boyfriend, and you never asked her out. I know there was flirting and hand holding and hugging, but that’s different from a date. Women want a guy to take charge and plan a date and show them that they want a real girlfriend. When she transferred to another school it was going to be a lot harder for that to happen, but even on the visit, it doesn’t sound like you made a move to kiss her or take her out on a romantic date.

It’s not a surprise that she’s dating someone now — but it’s not because he’s better than you. I think it’s because you never gave her the opportunity to say, “Yes, I’d love to have dinner with you,” and you never gave her the opportunity to get all dolled up for a date and get butterflies about the escalation of the relationship. You stayed in a flirtatious friend zone.

You’re right that if she’s dating someone else, you shouldn’t stick around to hear how her relationship with this guy is going, and don’t ask your mutual friend to run interference for you. If you’re not prepared to let go of her, then you have to step up your game and compete with this guy. You have to ask her out on a date and figure out a way to date her now that you’re long distance. Obviously, this is a lot harder to do than the other guy’s job: which is to see her frequently and easily because I take it he’s on campus.

If you’re not interested in competing in this long distance way, then you should learn from this experience and find someone who’s more geographically desirable — but next time, make your move. She can’t say yes if you don’t ask. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[PabloConfused]

^Thank you very much for the response. I would follow you on both of those, but I actually don’t really use either of those mediums. I will let all of my friends who do know about your pages on both.

Between the time that I made my original post and saw your reply, I actually found out some information whose implications I’m not quite sure of. During the phone conversation where she dropped the bomb on me, she mentioned the event she met the guy at. Said event took place a over a month before I went up to visit her. Does it mean anything that my visit went so well/flirty after this other guy was already in the picture?

[PabloConfused]

(I think I didn’t properly submit this message when I tried to post it earlier because it didn’t show up)

In the time between my original posting and reading your response, I found out some information whose implications I’m unsure of. During the phone conversation where I got the bomb dropped on me, she told me what the event was where she met this guy. I looked up when the event took place and it took place a full month before my fun/flirty visit to see her. What, if anything, does this mean for me?

Thanks for your reply. I will definitely get everyone I know to subscribe to you via both of your social networking mediums.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It doesn’t mean anything because you never asked her out on a date. 😳 As far as she knows, you’re only interested in a flirtatious friendship. The other guy wanted her to be his girlfriend, and she’s interested in a relationship. He asked her out on a date and she said yes. You never asked. 🙁 Relationships don’t happen by osmosis. They happen because a man asks a woman out on a date and things proceed from there.

Don’t snooze — you’ll lose! 😉

[Member]

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