[Anonymous]

I am in a relation that is starting to cause me emotional and physical anxiety. We started off our relationship with so much genuine happiness. When we are together we instantly connect and nothing else seems to matter. I know he truly loves me and takes me and us very seriously. However, I had to move back home with my parents 3 months ago and we have been doing a long distance relationship. Even before I left to another state, he agreed that he wanted to move out to be with me so we could start a life together, but it will take time. Since then all we do is fight. We have opened up so much emotionally because our relationship is now just talking whether on the phone or skype, and in so many ways we are closer and stronger. He admits that he has a lot of deep rooted issues of insecurity, trust, abandonment etc, because of he was adopted and he has had many ex girlfriends cheat on him. He tells me he wants to change. I completely sympathize and my love for him as a person hasn’t changed. I want to be as supportive as possible as he tries to seek help and better himself. At the same time I am developing anxieties. I feel like our relationship is like emotional roulette with intense highs and lows. He will be in a great mood one second, telling me how much he loves me and cares, and then when he gets insecure starts putting me and himself down. When he is down on himself, it doesn’t matter what I say or do, he turns it into something negative. He beats himself up when he realizes he has overreacted. I don’t want to give up on him, because I love him so much, and also because if I do, I am afraid he will go down a miserable path because once again someone has given up on him when he needed it the most. I feel emotionally drained though. I wake up exhausted and consumed by my worries and fears of whether or not he is okay or if we are ok. The plan is for him to move out here with me in January. I don’t know what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to understand that YOU can’t save him from his historical problems. HE is the only one who can deal with his abandonment issues and his negativity. If you enable his behavior you’re adding to the problem, not helping him.

Feeling chronic anxiety and developing physical problems as a result of the stress from a dating relationship are signs that this isn’t working for you. You need to be honest with yourself and him that this relationship is making you sick and that’s why you need to leave it.

Breaking up with him and explaining why you’re breaking up with him is not abandonment. You are not his parent and you are not abandoning him. You’re taking care of your health so you can be in a healthy relationship with someone who wants the same for himself, for you and for the life you may share together.

I hope that helps. You should read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You’ll get a lot of good tips and advice in it, and you’ll get a better idea of what Mr. Right is [i]supposed[/i] to look like.

I hope that helps — follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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