[kscouty70]

Dating woman and want to be more serious but feel there is more than said or shown when I’m not around. She’s involved with her ex and father of their three children (all out of marriage to a abusive, cheating drug using lack of excuse for a man). We started out where he was a non factor and only involved with MB matters of the children but seems more and more involved with texts, calls and lord knows what else when I’m not around. And recently saw long text back and forth between the two of them really nothing about the children and more about him being more involved with thing’s she does alone with daily living (things I feel I should be asked because I’m the CURRENT man right??). In this text she sent him a old photo she got from a friend with the two of them on a date and she commented on how she debated lip stick color to match her jacket and asked his opinion to which he said “yes” and she put smiley face next to his answer then. Am I just being jealous and unreasonable??

[kscouty70]

Also note anything that is ever a question or concern to me is quickly made out to be ludicrous and childish and stupid not worthy of an answer. And it’s how non factor her ex has always been now it’s increasingly more and more and really have no idea what is truly going on when I’m not around and really not playing games anymore. I was and am friends with my ex also but I have learned for myself to keep it respectful but don’t feel its reciprocated by her. Especially regarding the photo I saw she texted her ex.

[Ask April Masini]

Fill me in a little more.

How long has she been divorced? How about you? And how long have the two of you been dating?

[kscouty70]

We recently got back together few months ago and were separated few months while we both worked on each other. And were together prior to that almost 5 years. Her ex is only father of children by being a sperm donor and never maned up to get married so they aren’t divorced. But to my knowledge been separated 13-14 years I would guess. Youngest child they last had is almost 16. And point is we initially started dating and she couldn’t stand him and conversations and interactions would be short and quick then few years ago it has gradually become more and more with him more and more a topic of conversation and involvement with things that have nothing to do with her children. Like situation recently with picture sent to him from her and comments about lip stick color and figuring out what to wear?? Understand underlying jealousy as it’s human nature but feel it’s more. Or am I overreacting? I eventually think I want to marry this woman but also won’t be played for a fool. And issue with texts and photos is where does it end?? And how would she feel if I had friend send me a picture of me and my ex and felt it necessary to send to my ex and add comment like happy reminiscing.

[Ask April Masini]

Okay, let me see if I can get this straight…. so you’re divorced, and she’s never married, but she does have three children, the youngest being almost 16, with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she’s been separated for 13-14 years. So it sounds like they had 3 children in less than 3 years if my math is correct — but you said you dated her for 5 years, so it sounds like you were dating her while she was still with him. Set me straight if that’s not correct. If it is, it sets the stage for her seeing him at the same time she’s seeing you — again. 😕

After dating her for 5 years, the two of you broke up for a few months to “work on each other” — I’m not sure what that means — and now you’re back together, but it sounds like during that time, she got back together with him in some sort of way because the texts they’re sending each other are more romantic and intimate than they are co-parenting texts. 😕 I’m thinking that if the two of you broke up after a 5 year relationship, she may have had doubts about the relationship with you. Fill me in a little more on the reason the two of you broke up. I don’t buy the “working on yourselves” reason. 😉 I’m thinking that you thought the break up was more of a break…. and she decided that if the two of you couldn’t make things work after five years, she’d see who else was around. Does that ring true at all?

Anyway, consider that you’re talking about a woman who’s had 3 kids in 3 years with a guy you describe as abusive, drug addicted and someone cheated on her. This isn’t a person of character — and yet, she’s still interested in him. You have to ask yourself what it is she sees in him — because no matter what you see (and I believe you when you describe him), she sees something good.

Let me know if that helps, and you have any other questions.

[kscouty70]

I wasn’t married nor was she and her children are 23 is the oldest then 19 and 15 year olds and she had these children in span of 25 years ago (having first child at 18 year of age herself). We initially separated because I felt completely unwanted or needed and quite honestly didn’t feel we had a future where I had any input or voice. As it was how she chose to raise the children and run the household and only working part-time and spending well beyond her income and it would be my responsibilitie to be assumed not pay my bills I had myself so she can buy things she really couldn’t afford. But realized my own flaws and that I loved her and we decided to get back together and things were fine in the start but feeling again that I’m not important to her and that I’m lower priority in her world and others have become more important again (I.e. her ex). And if I actually express my feelings or say anything I’m made to feel like a child and that I’m wrong and she’ll tell me what I’m feeling (because she feels she knows better) and its not true. It’s the principal knowing her ex is tried to her because of her children yet I’m the new man of the house to pay bills and cut grass and fix home and pay for things yet I’m not asked to pick up kid’s take to appointments and it’s asked of the ex and I feel it’s more than just communication to have him involved with the children. Because if it’s just based on the children there are thousands of actually divorced couples that have no interactions with each other beyond visitation rights with kid’s and no need for the inter personal things like sending old pictures to him and texts asking how his day is going. Especially since I don’t hear a word from her all day when I am at work yet she has this time to text him??

[Ask April Masini]

Got it — thank you for filling me in…. It sounds like there are a couple of issues here, so let me try to give you some advice you can use for each one.

* It sounds like you feel put upon as someone who picks up the financial slack, and a lot of the chores (mowing the grass, etc.), but you don’t feel like you were involved in the responsibilities or activities for children. And while you understand that her ex and father of the kids is always going to be in her life and the kids’ lives because he’s the father, you wanted more of a role. For that issue, the best advice I can give you is to be very clear about what you do and don’t want to do. Instead of holding it in and letting it fester, if you can say, “Since we’re dating and not married, why don’t we keep our finances separate? I don’t want to enable your adult and teenage kids so they don’t feel responsible, and I don’t want to feel taken advantage of, either. I’d like to contribute because I want to, not because I feel that I have to.” Then you can decide what you want to do with the kids…. and be clear. For instance, you can say, “I’d like to be invited to all the activities that they do where you’re going — like football games or Thanksgiving dinners. Can I count on you for that?” Be specific about where you do and don’t want to be included. I think some clarity in your mind, and articulated between the two of you, will alleviate your negative feelings.

* Her financial problems are not yours. But it sounds like you’ve adopted them, and then gotten angry at her. That’s not fair. 😉 If you don’t like the way she handles her finances, don’t jump in and save her and then get angry. Use boundaries. That’s the only way she is going to have an opportunity to make changes. For instance, if she doesn’t have enough money to do something, and she’s only working part time, your saving her keeps her from wanting to get a full time job to take care of herself. You can empathize, and say, I feel so badly that you don’t have enough money for your bills this month — why not get a job doing such and such — you’d be great at it, and you’d make more money. So use suggestions and encouragement — and boundaries with money.

* And lastly, when you feel disrespected in the relationship, tell her calmly, that it makes you feel disrespected when she does X — and be specific about what X is. You need to have a discussion about what it is you don’t like, her reaction to your telling her what you don’t like, and the possible reasons for her doing what she’s doing that you may not know about. Then resolve the issue with compromises. When you don’t use conflict resolution techniques, you’re going to create this cloud of anger that’s unspecified and unresolvable. Break it down, calmly articulate and resolve together.

And of course, you broke up with her for some very good reasons. You can’t get back together when nothing has changed, and expect to feel okay about things. Loving her is one thing, but having a relationship with her is different. You can love people that you shouldn’t be with, and you have to decide if she is someone you can be with — in spite of your feelings. 😉

Let me know if that helps, and if you have any other questions.

[kscouty70]

Reunited with woman I was dating for almost 5 years then split up for almost a year. Issues with wanting or better yet “expecting” me to be “all in” with her three children from another man who was a abusive, cheating, drug using piece of garbage. She got pregnant right out of High School at 18 years old to this High School drop out in 10th grade. Why this is important is to speak of the caliber of man she let into her life prior to meeting me. In the beginning she pursued me when I was in a long term relationship myself but admittedly we had our issues and were falling apart. And understanding that it takes two to tango so not blaming there. But in the beginning the ex I call “sperm donor” was only in our lives regarding one of the kid’s see sperm donor only really acknowledges one of his kid’s really it’s the youngest boy who plays sports (football, basketball) but his other kids are the oldest son (result of getting pregnant out of High School with drop out deadbeat at the age of 18) but oldest son is gay and really sperm donor has nothing really to do with him only with holidays and birthdays. The second oldest is a girl with deformity from complicated pregnancy and again onto sperm donor only acknowledges holidays, birthday but nothing to the extent of the youngest going to all sports activities and having over to his home to watch TV and games etc. And the irony is the daughter played soccer and he only could make time to see “some” of her games because too busy being unemployed since I’ve known him living with his mother and works apparently off the books at a bar. But could be at every game for the youngest son but not the daughter?? And no real contact with his gay son. And my stance from day one love them all equally as they are my own and do anything for any of them as they were my own. Was still intimidating in the beginning because first relationship with a person with children because I never had children myself in past relationships. But I tried and wanted to learn and wanted to make it work. But issues started to arise with were sperm donor was only around with football game and made my partners “skin crawl” being around him and couldn’t stand talking to him. But then all of a sudden it’s acceptable to have him sit with us at games and come to our home and yes part jealousy but honestly it’s more no respect for a man (can’t even call him a MAN) who beats a woman and cheats on a woman with his children and never purposed never married just beating, cheating, drug using and allowed the gift not just once but THREE TIMES!!! To get pregnant by this piece of garbage. And now I have to be civil and have him in my house and sit with us while at games??? Because it’s for the “children”??? I know thousands of divorced couples (yes actually married people not just out of marriage sperm deposits) but divorced couples that only involvement is with the children not partners. And conversations are not children related and that’s acceptable but my friendship with my ex isn’t?? That’s weird and not right but her relationship with him is?? Same goes with any issues or questions in day to day life living with a partner. Bills she has part time job and lets use example could have $1000 and have bills for $400 & $600 but not NEED but want clothes or jewelry and spend unneededly on things let’s say spend $600 of her income and then it’s my responsibility to short my bills because she wanted to spend and I’m not allowed to speak on that??? Because that’s my job as the ” man ” as she puts it?? I want a relationship not a dictatorship. This is the first part I’ll explain more later. But to start am I the wrong guy here??? Am I being unreasonable?? Is this the norm??

[Ask April Masini]

You’re really angry about this relationship, and I don’t think it’s healthy for you to stay in it. 😳 You’re upset about her choices and her ex’s choices — so much so that it really doesn’t make any sense for you to stick around. 😕 I think you should break up for good and move on. It would be nice to hear you happy about your life, and not so angry about it — especially about the things you can’t control. You can, however, control your choices, and I think there’s probably a much better choice of woman out there for you. 😉

[kscouty70]

Wish it was that simple I really do love her and it’s the times where I can see signs of care and dedication for our betterment and it’s just like “why can’t she get that and see that all the time”. Loaded question I ask now is I knew her ex beat her and cheated on her and was a drug using piece of garbage. But recently was told by her that not only did he do the above to her but he’s raped her on several occasions during the beatings on situation you explained he took her into the woods alone and beat her and raped her and nobody could help or hear her cries and screams. How do I not want to rip this guy’s head off??? Why her need for forgiveness and letting him around after all that??? I understand her past and really not judging but why stay?? Why forgive??? And why am I looked at like I’m wrong especially now not wanting him near her or me. I don’t buy that all things can be forgiven or apologized for sometimes you just deal with your actions and that’s what he should do and stay the hell out of her life and mine. Understand that the kid’s don’t know (well the oldest does but others don’t). Family and friends knew tried to help and she refused guess I can’t understand what I’ve never been in. But it’s knowing this woman before me and this piece of garbage and two don’t add up why she was ever with him and now it’s OK for him to be around as part of her “strength and forgiveness and not giving him power”???? I want to support I want to be understanding how do I??? How do I connect and support and help repair what this poor woman went thru?? I stupidly wish at times that I knew her sooner that I’d be better for her and she’d never have to go thru what nobody should ever be victim to. Understand that’s not possible but how do I support damage he’s done with abusing her and now knowing he raped her. And honestly it is affecting our sex life because she translates his actions when I express “interest” in wanting to be with her. Never forced or pushed anything if she wasn’t into it just stupidly thought she’s not into me anymore. But now makes sense with what he’s done. So again how can I understand and by help? Is there an answer?? How do I or how am I expected to not rip this guy’s throat out yes it’s the “past” but it’s damage still relevant even though she says it’s past, forgiven and won’t give him “power”??? So his stupid ass things words take away being a bitch hitting a woman and raping the mother of your children??? Honest I am trying and need help want to understand and be supporting but is this normal behavior with someone who has gone through what she has?? Why would she want him anywhere around her?? Why am I wrong because I DON’T want him near me or her (honest reason off the bat is it takes all my might not to beat the shit out of him). Again am I really wrong here??

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, it [i]is[/i] that easy. You’re making excuses for your own behavior when you say you love her and you love parts of her behavior. 😕 Love is not enough to make a healthy relationship work. You have to have mutual goals and other mutualities that the two of you do not. So, when you pull the L card as a reason to stay in a relationship that is full of anger and unhealthy behavior, you’re making excuses for yourself. 😳

Second, if you know for a fact that this man raped your girlfriend, you have an obligation to call the police and report what you know. If you don’t, and it happens again, you share some responsibility for not doing the right thing. If he rapes her, one of the kids, or someone else — you withheld information that could have been useful to save someone from this terrible crime.

You’re asking the wrong questions here, and they’re keeping you in this victim status. [b]You have to ask why YOU are staying in this relationship — not why she is, but why you are. 😉 [/b]

I know that this is difficult for you, but it’s time to man up and do the right thing. If there is a man in your woman’s life who beating her or raping her, you have an obligation to take care of business. And if she refuses help, then you need to set a boundary so that she knows you’re someone who won’t tolerate this behavior. When you stay, knowing what you do, you’re colluding with her and with him, and you’re enabling this cycle of abuse. You need to take yourself out of the bad part of this relationship — you can still love her, but you have to behave like the kind of person who doesn’t tolerate bad behavior. 🙂

I hope this resonates for you. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[kscouty70]

Thanks again. But need to understand the beatings and the raping were in her past with her ex. As she explained it’s supposed to be common knowledge that after getting beaten then sex comes after consensual or not. And in these cases she explained were unconsenting and forced which my definition and hers would be rape. But again this happened years ago long before me trust me if this was ongoing while I was with her or even knew her as a human being I’d do more than call the cops on her piece of shit ex. My point of not understanding is why forgiveness? Why have him in her life like she’s being saintly with her forgiveness and who is she or anyone else to judge?? Because of the children who don’t know what a asshole their sperm donor father was to their mother in the past?? I know that this isn’t perfect or ideal or hell I know I deserve better because I know I am a great guy but love isn’t supposed to be easy all the time. My issues are consistency and this almost hidden dialog with her asshole ex. Text on her phone between him and her and how she does it all alone and gives him prop’s for getting better??? And wants him more involved with their children because she shouldn’t do it alone????? Then really what am I there for??? I am totally man enough but tired of being overlooked and yet this asshole gets forgiveness and understanding because he produced their children that are his only when convenient!!! And then we talk about marriage and I’m told crystal clear that the children have two parents with her and her ex and he will always be in THEIR lives. Which fine get that but doesn’t need to be in OUR lives no more than if I wanted to jam my exes in her life which none of my exes are scumbags like her ex so yeah guess I can judge. Guess point is that I’m said how I’m the love of her life and soul mate and blah blah blah then I’m not looked towards for support with everything including the children nope she’s still running to asshole then says how shes doing it ALL ALONE? Like I’m not and haven’t been helping?? How about you ask ME I’m the partner and supposed soul mate right?? Then if I say anything I’m the wrong one?? And then it’s weird because I am friends with my ex and we’ve both realized that we were better off as just friends and be that as respectful as possible in relationships we are in. At least I show freaking consideration and respect. It’s like she wants all her life and things around and it’s perfect sense to her and I’m to just shut up and take it and if anything misunderstood in my life it’s wrong and stupid. Can’t say shit about the kids or wanting to be supporting and be the DAD yet nope they have a dad but hey I’m good enough to spend my money on them pick them up from practice and work or friends when asshole isn’t around yet nope he’s the father. I’m good enough to maintain my own life and apartment and responsibilities and still help with her life her house and her children and bills yet she says she does it ALL ALONE??? Guess I really am stupid and selling myself short. If I’m wrong so be it I know my self worth and I am a prize and if she can’t respect that and understand that and APPRECIATE that then she’ll notice when I’m gone and she can continue her forgiveness and dialog with her abusive, cheating and rapist ex she’s so forgiving of.

[Ask April Masini]

Let’s be clear about one thing — you have a responsibility to notify the police that this man raped your girlfriend on several occasions. If he does it again, to her or someone else, and you didn’t report what you know, it will be a tragedy. Please don’t brush it off, because it happened in the past. You can do the right thing so that this doesn’t happen again. I know you’re very, very angry that things aren’t going your way, but you can’t make excuses for your own behavior.

[Ask April Masini]

Just checking in with you — is everything okay? You had a pretty volatile set of posts and I wanted to see how things are going….

[AnnaLivingston]

It’s really hard starting to trust after break-up! It was with me!
Good luck!

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