[Lulu]

Hi April,
My question is about a guy that I am good friends with. We met in school this year (we both go to the same university) and quickly hit it off. We enjoy each others’ company and have become good friends with each others’ friends: he comes over to hang out in our room and often comes along with my friends and me wherever we’re going on the weekend. He’s a real sweetheart and needless to say I’ve fallen for him.

Over winter break we went with some friends on a weekend trip. Long story short we ended up hooking up for a few nights (not always entirely sober, but we were fine with that) and during the day we acted a little couple-y although both of us wanted to avoid pda around our friends.

Now we are back at school, and back to being good friends. We haven’t mentioned the hook up, although I sometimes think his teasing is a bit flirty. It’s nice that he smiles a lot when I’m around and that he makes time to come hang out even with his insanely busy schedule.

I still like him, and I don’t know if he knows it. I also don’t know if he likes me, or how to find out. I’m happy that we have continued to build our friendship since hooking up, and wonder if we have a chance at being together, and if so how I could be helping that along. But I also would like to avoid being too forward, especially if he’s not into me in that way. What do you think?

[AskApril Masini]

The problem with hooking up with someone you’re in a friend zone with, is that it’s difficult to leverage that into dating. I can’t tell from your question if you want to hook up again, or date and have a relationship. And I’m guessing you’re not sure, either. 😕 If you can be clear with yourself what you want, then it’s a lot easier to set a goal, and then I can advise you on how to work towards it. So ask yourself, what type of relationship do you want with him? 😉

[Lulu]

Hi April,
I didn’t reply right away because I’ve been thinking about your question and trying to figure out how I feel. I think I do want to date, if he’s on that page too. I know I don’t want to be just a hookup (I would rather be just friends). I am still a little confused about my feelings, and I think it’s partly because I’m relatively new to dating. With both of the guys I’ve been with before, I knew it was going to be short term (one at a summer job and one during my last semester of high school), and although I had a great connection with those guys, and am still good friends with both of them, I wouldn’t call them “real relationships.”

I would be kidding myself if I didn’t admit to being a little scared of the thought of relationships in general, which is probably why I’ve always convinced myself not to get too involved. I don’t know for sure but my guess is that he is kind of in the same place, both with the lack of serious relationship history (which I know is true) and with being a little wary of relationships (which I suspect). I know he doesn’t really like hookups because none of the girls he’s hooked up with have ended up wanting real relationships (yes he told me that as we were hooking up).

I’m also very good at ignoring romantic feelings I have towards people if I think it won’t work out, especially if I think they don’t like me in that way (easier to be friends and move on than suffer a broken heart!) All of this makes everything confusing, so I try not to think about it and over analyze.

But the truth is, I do like him. I like talking and hanging out together. I sometimes get butterflies when I see him across campus, and the first kiss we shared was by far the nicest, sweetest kiss I’ve ever experienced. So yep, that’s where I’m at.

[AskApril Masini]

Knowing that you’re relatively new to dating gives perspective to your questions. 🙂 What I can tell you to guide you through the dating process is that you should consider the fact that men and women aren’t friends. Friends don’t have sex with each other, and friends don’t have romantic and lustful feelings towards each other, and if he started dating someone else, you would not act like a friend and be happy for him — because you’d wish it was you who was dating him, not her. It’s very safe to call someone you like your friend because it doesn’t put anything on the line and there’s no risk of rejection — but it does you a disservice because it’s not being honest with yourself. You have a crush on this guy and you want something romantic and maybe more with him. So try and wrap your head around the fact that you’re not really friends.

I also think that although you say you’re scared of relationships, you’re really scared of rejection. Liking someone, and putting it out there, means risking the fact that he may or may not like you back. And feeling disappointed isn’t comfortable. But it doesn’t mean you should avoid the truth. 😉 Nobody ever died of rejection, and the last thing you want is a life full of regrets. So buckle up — and know that life has love and sadness, happiness and pain — and be open to all of it.

I think you should accept your feelings and flirt with him or just be with him, knowing you’d like to have some romantic relationship with him that’s meaningful — and don’t sink into the friend zone or the hook up and forget about it zone, simply because you don’t want to face the truth. He may act like it didn’t happen, but you don’t have to. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Lulu]

Thanks for your insights and advice, it’s so helpful! Just over the past few days accepting that I do like him in that way has felt good, like I’m not ignoring my emotions any more. He comes over most nights, if only to say hi to my roommate and me, and he and I usually tease each other for a bit before he leaves to do homework. In general I feel good about our interactions and sometimes feel like we might be flirting.

But what now? Do I just keep doing what I’m doing with the theory that if he actually likes me he will make a move and that everything will work out in time?

[AskApril Masini]

Now that you realize you like him, you’re anxious to close the deal! 😉 Relax. Getting to know each other romantically is a process that most people rush. Flirt with him to let him know your feelings are not friend feelings, they’re romantic feelings. Dial up the flirting by making him cookies or complimenting him in ways you haven’t before. He’ll notice these changes. 😎 And at the same time…. don’t put all your eggs in one basket. In case he isn’t interested, you want to make sure that you live your own life. Flirt with other guys, play the field, or simply stay busy so that you haven’t prioritized the energy you’re putting into your feelings about him, too much above everything else. That’s how you get a lopsided emotional life and anxiety. 😉 I hope that helps!

[Lulu]

Thank you for your advice! I’ve been following what you suggested about playing the field a bit, and am already extremely busy with school and extracurriculars (so I don’t have time to focus too much on this, no worries!)

That’s almost kind of a problem in this situation, we’re both super busy. And I find myself wondering if I can figure out how he feels about me so I can either happily wait until he makes a move or acknowledge that he’s an awesome person and then move on. I guess I’m going to find out what ends up happening to us either way, but I would rather not be wildly deluding myself in the mean time.

Do you have any thoughts on this? How I might get clued into his feelings? Or conversely if I’m looking at this all wrong?

A few things that make me think he might be crushing on me are that he stops by quite often and likes to talk or playfully push my buttons (we have ongoing silly bickers about various things that he likes to bring up frequently), his smiles and greetings, some compliments he’s given me in the past (mainly about me being “nice” or “smart”), and…. I don’t know what to make of the fact that we hooked up at the end of last semester, got a little awkward after we came back from break, and now seem to have worked out way up to flirting again. (I know at first he didn’t want to hook up with me because it wasn’t “gentlemanly”).

These all have things to counter them of course, like if he liked me, wouldn’t he ask me out? Maybe he just likes flirting ’cause it’s fun and nice to have someone who likes you. And why doesn’t he do any of the normal “make a move” things like sitting close while watching a movie? (Granted we haven’t had a movie party with him and my friends for a while but he’s not very touchy usually. Like tonight he poked me, and I think was the first time for something like that).

All together too much analyzing for me! Maybe I should just sit cool and shut up. 😉

[AskApril Masini]

You’re struggling with “the need to know”. You want to know if he likes you, how he likes you, if he’s going to ask you out, and when. You want assurance and you want it on your timetable. But that’s not how most relationships work, and you’re having a hard time with that fact. My advice is to acknowledge this and then change your own behavior and outlook. Take your timetable off of this relationship. Continue flirting and being friendly with the intent to date. And if he asks you out, great. If he doesn’t, you haven’t wasted any time investing energy (and anxiety) in hoping, forcing, trying to manipulate this into something it isn’t (yet).

Hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and if you have any other questions.

[Lulu]

Hello April,

So, guy I’ve been telling you about and I have been flirting and hanging out a lot but not much new has happened between us.

Meanwhile, I started hanging out with another guy who I used have a thing with, one thing lead to another and we ended up holding hands and snuggling through a movie. Since then we’ve snuggled a few times (although nothing more, because I said no to kissing).

If the guy I like knew, I know he’d be sad and it might make it hard to have anything real with him in the future. But I also don’t want to just wait around for him.

I’ve been clear with the guy I’ve been having a snuggle thing with that I’m not interested in a relationship with him. He is cool with that (although I think he’d want a relationship if I did) but I don’t want to make him feel like I’m using him I I ever cut thing off to start something with the guy I like. I don’t want to restrict myself from playing the field but I don’t want to hurt anyone.

What do you think about this situation?

Thanks!

[AskApril Masini]

If you don’t want a relationship with this new guy, then why hold hands and snuggle with him? 😕 If you’re really concerned about his feelings, then you should move on and not lead him on with this romantic behavior. 😉 It sounds like you’re working with issues that have to do with boundaries — and when you’re clear with what you want, and your behavior matches those intentions, you’re going to have an easier time of things. Right now, you’re crossing boundaries all over the place and then hoping you and others don’t hurt — because deep down, you know that you all will. 😳 Be clear and be consistent, and you’ll have an easier go of things. 🙂

[Sally]

This is that quiet, confusing space where feelings grow but no one’s saying anything yet. I get why you’re stuck there. From the outside, it sounds like there is something real between you. People don’t accidentally keep showing up, making time, and blending friend groups if they don’t care. And hooking up more than once usually isn’t nothing.

At the same time, he might be matching your energy. You both slid back into “friends” because it feels safer than risking the vibe. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you. It just means neither of you wants to be the first to tip it over.

You don’t have to make a big move. A small, honest moment goes a long way. Something light, something real. If there’s something there, it’ll come forward. If not, you still keep the friendship. Either way, you get out of limbo, and that matters.

[Tara]

Let’s strip the fantasy and get ugly, honest: you’re sitting in a self-made limbo because you’re too scared to ask a direct question and too attached to the hope that he’ll magically read your mind. You slept together, played pretend couple on a trip, then quietly crawled back into the friend box without saying a word and now you’re acting like his smiles and teasing mean something profound. They don’t. They mean he’s comfortable. He gets your company, your attention, and the ego boost of knowing you’re into him without having to risk anything or commit to anything. That’s not romance that’s convenience. And every day you stay silent, you reinforce that dynamic and teach him you’re fine being an option instead of a choice.

[Member]

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