[abyrae357]

I’m currently engaged to my best friend of almost 6yrs, and we have a beautiful 4mo daughter together. I love him. I don’t doubt that. But our relationship is far from perfect and its come to the point I don’t trust him anymore; and if trust is gone what’s left? When I got pregnant we were not in a relationship. It was not until I was several months into my pregnancy that I decided to give us a real shot at being together. He had always known I was the one though. I was always so envious how he could be so sure, but he was. So when we finally decided to be together I felt assured in our friendship and feelings for one another. I never though he would be the one to give me doubt. However, starting a few months ago, I noticed he was becoming more and more distracted and putting me on the back burner. Whether it be his phone or video games, he was always choosing something over me. I didn’t give it much thought besides being minorly hurt until his addiction with his phone became ridiculous. It was then when I saw while he was on Facebook that he was talking to a girl from his work that he used to flirt with and vice versa. I asked him to stop contacting her and that if she refused he should block her. So he told me he deleted her and that was the end of it. Then a short time afterwards, after he had changed jobs, I saw him on his phone messaging her! So I decided to go onto his phone to see what was going on before making a big deal out of it. In their messages, she called him babe and he responded by calling her boo. I about lost it, so I went through his texts and snapchats and turns out he had been snap chatting another girl he used to work with, so much so she was his number one friend. Needless to say I decided to address him. All he could say was that he readded her because he wasn’t working there anymore and he “didn’t know why” he called her boo, and the other girl was just a friend that he “wasn’t even attracted to.”are you kidding me?? You don’t know why you would call another girl boo and feel comfortable with her calling you babe?? And what if you WERE attracted to that other girl?? Would I THEN have something to be worried about?? We obviously had a pretty bad fight but ultimately we decided to try to work things out.
Then a couple weeks later he was on dnapchat and a girl in a tight dress popped up and he quickly stopped watching that story and closed his phone. So I decided to look on his phone to find out what he obviously didn’t want me to se. Turns out that person he was following was a whole story of her giving different guys b***jobs. He even screenshot scenes from it. I again addressed this and he defended himself saying a friend had told him to follow that account and he didn’t know what was going to be on there and that he only took screenshots to show someone because he thought it was funny. It all sounded like bs to me. He didn’t even delete that person from his snapchat. He of course apologized and promised to have better judgment and we moved on. Then one night he was acting odd with his phone like he was trying to hide things. So of course I knew as history shows he’s probably hiding something. He had been messaging a girl about swingers parties and added EVEN MORE porn accounts on snapchat. I was so furious I didn’t even want to try talking to him but after pressing me I finally told him what I saw AND OF COURSE he had more excuses. Saying he “was just curious about the swingers parties and didn’t even think she would respond” and that those accounts had been on his phone and he couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen them before!!?? The thing about the swingers parties is we have actually jokes about that before but I specifically told him it would be YEARS down the road if it ever happened. And his defense about the porn accounts was that he “doesn’t even masterbate to them” and “it’s not like he’s cheating.” But that’s the thing. I look at all this together and in a way he has been cheating on me. How do you even trust someone who doesn’t think twice about lying to your face and getting caught doesn’t even change their actions? I used to be able to trust him more than anyone in the entire world and he’s destroyed that. He used to love me like I was the best thing in the world and now he desires other women with perfect bodies and I’m just the one who gave him a child with scars on her body. All of this should have made me end things with him. Call me crazy but I didn’t. Because I love him and truly value our friendship and our bond and for God’s sake we have a baby together! But he promised he would delete snapchat for good and that he would work on showing me he appreciates me and only desires me. But just within the last two weeks after all this occurred two months ago he’s heading towards his old ways. He’s downloading snapchat and deleting it again trying to hide it from me. He’s watching porn in his spare time even though our sex life has never been better. All this to me just says I’m not enough for him anymore. And I’m truly tired of feeling this way. How do we even down back from something like this? Is it possible to ever trust him again? Should I just end it and hopefully save what’s left of our friendship?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you can completely walk away from the father of your daughter, but you may want to live apart since it sounds like he isn’t really into the relationship. 😳 It sounds like the two of you never dated and had a friends with benefits situation for years, and you got pregnant by accident, and after your first trimester, the two of you decided to try and be a family and make things work. It doesn’t sound like you ever dated…. and you’ve now been together as a couple for about 9 or 10 months now. Did I get that right?

I’m not sure how old you both are (let me know if you write back), but he doesn’t sound ready for a committed relationship. 😥 It would have been nice if you were both on the same page with the pregnancy and the family, but I don’t think he wanted the pregnancy, and I don’t think he’s changed, and he’s being the same guy he’s always been — your friend with benefits, only you have a daughter now.

It’s very easy to judge and point fingers, but he’s not really into the commitment with you, and if you expect him to change, you’re going to be disappointed. Some men will turn their lives around and sacrifice for the sake of their children and wives, but I don’t think that’s who he is. I know you want him to be a different kind of man, and maybe one day he will, but for now, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you accept who he is, and decide what you want to do next.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[abyrae357]

I’m 21 and he’s almost 25. The ironic thing is he’s the one who was excited about me being pregnant and I wasn’t initially. After all, there were so many more chances I was going to be going through than him. But he promised me he would step up and be the man I needed him to be, and in many ways he really did while I was pregnant. But now it’s different. And maybe I’m the one who changed and grew up, but one of us had to. I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Our lives aren’t as fun and free anymore and he misses that whereas the void for me has been filled with the joys of motherhood. He loves our daughter and I truly believe he loves me too. I just don’t think it’s enough for him to grow up and put us first.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You have a very mature outlook on things. That’s going to serve you and your family well. 🙂

FYI… there’s another single mom on this forum who may benefit from your advice. See if you want to weigh in here: .

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