[sreed]

Hi all,
OK well this maybe crazy I am not sure but your input may help me especially from you ladies. First off I been down and hurt many times and have made it through it so I know feelings will change and I in this case I give this one to God.

I am a father of two children who I have raised myself . I have given up my life for them and I tell this because most all of the years I haven’t dated . So one day I got it in my head to look up some old friends . Well I found one very special friend who I lost 23 years ago . Now this person was the one I really wanted to spend my life with (I was her first). To this day I fell she is apart of me in side of me some how. So I sent her an Email and asked if she was this person I knew and she answer’s back yes . we did the Email thing and the txt thing for a few days then I got to go and see her . What a happy day this was ! Well we got to start talking and seeing each other more. Well so here it gets strange . She is single but living with her business partner they had a relationship but he cheated on her. So anyway we didn’t get romantic and I was a little OK with that but deep inside I wanted to . (She did say she loved me) Here is the part that hit me hard she told me that she had a baby and it was mine and that the Baby had died after eight weeks . She said she tried to tell me way back when but I was with someone else and she didn’t think I would of believed her .(She was wrong) Now I don’t understand why but I felt closer to her and I did and really do have real feelings for her, I care allot. So just at the end of November I wasn’t hearing much from her she keep putting me off . I kind of knew she must of gotten back with the guy she was living with . Still I am not sure if that’s what happen she wouldn’t tell me . Now we haven’t had any contact in over three month’s so her Birthday came and I texted Happy BD to her and she answered back Thanks . So I left it at that . That next night I was thinking of her and praying I could talk to her and out of no where she called . She said sorry she called the wrong number and I said OK and asked how she was doing and what happen between us she said she was sorry she hurt me and that there were bad memories and she wanted to forget, I said I understand and asked if maybe I could say Hi from time to time just to see how she was. (I could hear she was tearing up) She said (and this did hurt) maybe in another life. Well I then said to her if you really mean that I am sorry she feels that way. I couldn’t tell if she said she didn’t mean that or not like I said I think she was crying a little well that was the end of our talk but later feeling hurt I text her and told her I was very sorry seeing me made her feel bad and that I have to think about our Son that I never even got to see and his mother won’t even talk to me . She said sorry she has to live with that everyday of my life . Some reason she thinks I hate her and I think she hates me . I don’t hate her of course I really Love her . Sorry this has been so long . So what I am asking is what do I do now ? I am not sure she really doesn’t want to be friend . I only want to say Hi to her not see her if it hurts her. I was thinking of writing her a letter but I have never been good at putting the right words together .Thanks for reading this .

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, ask her where your son is buried. It’s important for you to have some closure, if that’s possible, since you just found out you had a child with her that she never told you about, and now that child is dead. Visit the grave where your son is, and plan to do so every year. It’s important for you to acknowledge your loss in this child — not just his death, but that you never had the chance to see him, hold him, touch him or comfort him. While that is a terrible shame, you now do have the chance to honor his death and his gravesite.

If your ex-girlfriend is able to visit the gravesite with you on any of these occasions when you go, then there is an opportunity for her to grieve the loss of her child, and also the mistake she made in not telling you of the child that was yours. Her guilt has got to weigh heavily on her because she made such a clear mistake. However….it’s not your guilt and it’s not your problem. It’s hers. You can’t solve it if you want to. But you can keep the door open to her by inviting her to visit the gravesite with you.

As for her own life now, she’s not an appropriate date for you for a couple of reasons. I know that you have old feelings for her, and they’re stirred up now, but a lot has happened in the 23 years that you’ve been out of touch, and you need to put your dating radar gear on to see who she is and not be blinded by your past feelings. She’s living with a guy. It doesn’t matter if she’s sleeping with him, in love with him, in like with him or just roommates. She’s not ready to be in love or be in a serious, respectful committed relationship with another man as long as she’s living with this ex-boyfriend or current boyfriend — whatever he is. And that’s the deal breaker — but I’ll go on a little more.

She has some emotional problems that don’t allow her to be intimate in a relationship and intimacy is the glue of relationship success. She didn’t have the tools to tell you about your child, and now, although she’s mustered those tools up thanks to your getting in touch with her (remember, if you hadn’t gotten in touch with her she’d never have told you about your son), she isn’t able to discuss what happened with you. In fact, she’s not really able to discuss what’s going on in her present dating life with you. And she’s not giving you any clear signals that she’s ready for what you seem to be ready for — a mature, committed, loving and respectful relationship.

So, now that you get to bask in the glory of having raised the children you do have, all by yourself, and did a good job raising, you get to start taking care of yourself and that includes dating to find Ms. Right. Rather than looking to your past for women, I’d advise you to look around your present life, community, workplace, neighborhood and social network to see if there’s someone who may be a good date for you. Ask your family and friends who you know and trust to fix you up if they think they know someone great for you — and if not, to be on the look out for you!

It’s definitely time for you to start changing your own life and expanding it, so consider dating in the hopes of finding Ms. Right to enhance your life and giving you the opportunity to enhance hers.

[sreed]

Well I did hear from her. I had texted her Happy Birth day and she replyed thanks thats was it so I let it go . The next night she called me but said she called the wrong number but we did talk for a minute I asked her how she was and what happen to cause her to stop talking to me she said it was bad memories . I could tell she was crying but she said no. Didn’t hear from her again until last week she called and said hey how are you when I replyed she just hung up . All I said was not to bad how are you doing. Well I don’t know what to make of that but I am just letting her go and try to forget . Why does she even still have my number if she doesn’t want to talk to me ? To me it’s sad and it will be hard to forget her and I have tryed but with no luck . I only wanted to be friend’s and maybe text her afew times a year to see how she is .

[AskApril Masini]

She’s got problems that you can’t help her with. They are deep seeded, and she’s not able to have a relationship with you. Hanging up on you, calling you weeping and saying she dialed the wrong number when she called you are all signs she’s not ready to be in a mature relationship.

If you don’t believe me, you can chase her down and pursue a relationship with her, and you’ll find out the longer way and the harder way that she’s not capable of being your Ms. Right. Or — you can figure it out on your own here without putting yourself through any more pain.

It’s sad because she isn’t who you want her to be, and she’s not her best self, but there is only so much you can do for other people. Ultimately, they have to do for themselves, and the sooner you understand [i]AND ACCEPT[/i] this, the sooner you’ll be able to have happiness in your own life. You’ve spent years raising your own children, and you’re used to giving, but this is not the place for you to give — there’s not enough of you TO give her to make her a good match for you. She isn’t.

Now, you have to focus on you and finding someone who is right for you! Join my AskApril.com group on Facebook (it’s free!) at this link: [url][/url], and consider reading my book, Date Out of Your League, written for men who are dating — which you should be! You can download that book for $14.95 at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

I hope that helps and you can get out of this rut. 😀

[Member]

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