[Anonymous]

Forgive me if I do not have more information to go on, I know that the more you have, the better you can help “figure out” what is “probably” the issue. Now then my job is basically to figure things out…and so that spreads to all avenues, including psychology. On to what really matters…

Okay so there is this girl I used to know just a little bit from high school a few years back. I’m fairly certain underneath it all she is a nice sincere person…she did not act cruel like her friend did back then.

2 weeks ago i send her a friendly message over facebook and inquired, “hi, how are you? If you remember and know who this is add me to friends if you like. She does (but does not respond), and I accept her as a friend.

After dinner she had added me so I tested the waters by messaging her again. I tend to talk alot so its possible I gave her an information overload…no response.

I tried another test a few days later to see if her caring instinct might come out, so I used a true story and said “hey maybe you might be able to advise me…this lady at work is trying to hook me up with her daughter…etc…and I’m trying to figure out what I should do…no reponse.

A few days later, I decided to play a little hardball to see if that was work (without attacking her at all or looking weak by defending myself, excuses, etc). I basically said “I know your a nice person” and gave proof by stating that she was not like her friend. I elevated my value and expectations by saying “I’m not interested in fake personalities or fronts, I only talk to real people, I do not waste my time with fake people.” “I thought you would be interesting to talk to…” “I know who the real you is, so when you decide to be real, I’ll consider talking to you” Got a bit cocky but not offensive “Sounds like a bargain sale if you ask me.”

She responds instantly in 9 min…”you probably shouldn’t jump to conclusions…” avoiding the bait I do not go into attack/defend mode and use role reversal “What would you think if a friend did not message for a week, wouldn’t you feel ignored?” “Its perfectly okay to say your busy, and respond later when you do have time” “Still wondering how you are doing?”

She responds “Doing well…have work at 3 in the morning, g2g to bed” which is true, so I end by saying “Whoa 3am?! lets talk later, you need your beauty sleep!”

Next Day: I woke up at 3:30 and could not go back to sleep, so I used that to sympathize with her later that day “Don’t know how you do it, woke up at 3:30…etc hope your day was better than mine”

She responds: “My day sucked, I can start over tomorrow”

I reply: “True tomorrow is a a new day…” then I probably information overloaded again (I think alot and over-analyze stuff, so she probably had a case of TMI…so she did not reply back a 2nd time…

A few days later I msg “The amount it rains here, you think about writing a book?” (says on her wall shes into writing)

Responds: “I consider it everyday”

I reply “I myself feel strongly about writing a book…” went on to explain a little bit about that. Wondering if maybe I should have focused the conversation on her.

After that no response…

2 days later on her wall she writes about having a birthday dinner and hoping it will get her spirits up. I figured it was around her birthday time so I’m excused to act a bit overly excited for her, so I basically said “Happy Birthday!” and some other stuff.

No response…

Earlier today, word for word I wrote this in a msg to her:

“Hope you had a good today, I want to ask you something and since truth is my #1 policy I just want to be straightforward and honest with you.

Regardless of who might be the cause, whether it be you, me, or perhaps both, I still sense from occasional ignoring or delayed response that you may feel uncomfortable.

As far as I know, I have been friendly to you, but I like to keep an open mind and so I want to give you the proper opportunity to speak your mind about how you feel.

If you feel you need to setup boundaries for your benefit, you do not need to give a reason, rather I will take you at your word and maintain that respect for you.

But in any case, I want to do whatever is best for you, so just give the word, and I’ll make it happen. To me that’s what being a good friend is all about.”

1) I think I delivered that well, but do you think otherwise?

2) I have not seen any activity on her page so perhaps she has not checked (however she seems to be active alot), if she does indeed ignore me again, what based on the above information is perhaps going on in her mind, how is that leading her to ignore me or give delayed responses and lastly…

3) If she ignores me again, what should I do? I was guessing I should maybe leave her alone for say 1 week (minimum) and then just revert to basic stuff again like simple “how was your day” and try to work her back up into a pattern of talking? What do you think?

I’m an open minded person, and I have learned to uphold truth, not the truth that fits my agenda…so take no prisoners 😀

[Ask April Masini]

Well, you definitely could be accused of overdoing it in that last missive to your friend, but what’s more important is that while you hold honesty to be your policy, I’m pretty sure you’re not ready for her honesty!

When a woman ignores you, it usually means she isn’t interested. It has nothing to do with whether she is a nice person or not, or a caring person or not, or a generous person or not. In fact, if a woman acted effusive with you, when the truth is she wasn’t that interested in you, while you may think she’s just being nice, the reality is she’s not. She’s being dishonest and is setting you up for a crash, later.

And guess what? This goes for men as well as women. 🙂

Your friend has come on luke warm to you through all your pursuits online, so my suggestion is either to give it a try in person by calling her up and asking her out, or letting the whole thing go because she’s shown she’s just not that interested in you.

I’d also caution you against using Facebook or the internet in general, as a means for all your information and communication about this girl. Electronic media is a great way to communicate, but when it’s the only way 2 people in a relationship communicate, ironically, there can be a lot left out, and a lot of miscommunication. So go for some face to face time.

As a general practice, my advice to you is that just because you have a thought does not mean you should express it to the other person. Part of successful dating requires empathy for what the other person in the relationship is interested in. If you find you can’t hold back what you’re thinking and have a need to express it, keep a diary or a journal to write your thoughts in. You may be a great guy, but when you overanalyze out loud, you may very well lose the person you’re trying to entice.

In fact, if you look back at your “transcript” of your e-mail and text conversations with this girl, you did best with her, in that you got nice reactions from her, when you were brief, upbeat and positive. When you overwrote or said something negative about a mutual friend, the reactions you got from her were less than rewarding.

I hope that helps. Good luck! 😀

[Anonymous]

I found most of that advice reasonable and rational, though maybe I failed to make known my intent.

Now, I’ll be straight up honest and not try to pretend otherwise, just like almost any male interaction with a female, it almost ALWAYS is because of some underlying motivation in that you are attracted to her and thus “want” her in some way or another. I will not deny that.

Now, I will addon to that something that perhaps I failed to make known, and that is through my experiences in life I have come to realize that all of us through religion, science, and/or philosophy all wonder why we exist, why we are here, and what is our purpose (if any). And the conclusion I have come to that simplifies this so easily is that “Whatever is, is. And with whatever is, make the best of it.” Not knowing what that purpose is (if any) I can at least say that we also measure our lives by our own happiness. So I have come to value above anything else being happy.

Whats more is I that I have come to care also about the people around me and that I can help to bring them happiness, even if all I am is just a friend, or just an acquantaince.

So while yes deep down I do have attraction to this girl, I also by proxy of who I have become care about how she feels just as I care about everyone else around me.

I do have to disagree you on one thing at that is I don’t think it is a good idea to “ask her out.” What makes you think if she is hardly willing to just casually conversate behind the security of her computer screen, I highly doubt she would want to go out. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that making a big request of her right now does not seem smart to me because she still exhibits signs of resistance.

I also would not be so quick so assume she is not a nice girl, its definitely a good possibility, but I would not be so quick to assume this just yet given the personal example I can draw on…

I consider myself to be a very nice person, but someone like my mom who I do care about calls me all the time, is always overly concerned about how I am doing etc, and naturally hits my “filter” and I can hardly help but want to ignore her. In the same way this girl, probably similar to many other beautiful girls, is used to getting lots of attention and in particular ways and has naturally created a “filter” to respond to this. Also probably does not have a very long attention span.

So someone like me who naturally over-expounds on things probably is just automatically triggering her “annoying” filters and she is just doing what her brain has learned to do from experience…ignore me.

Oh and I should probably elaborate that when I say she is “nice” I am referring to her treatment of other people in generality, not “I think she is nice” or “she treats ME nice.”

Also, I know she is not interested me because why should she be. We realistically don’t even know each other. Why would you be interested in somebody you hardly knew before and just now started talking to again. That would be unreasonable to expect that she would be interested in me.

What I’m interested in doing is seeing if I can build up a line of successful yet casual communication, something on some sort of regular basis so that she is used to talking to me. It is then that I personally think it would be just fine to casually suggest hanging out, doing things, etc.

If she proves to be a good friend first, then I’ll consider being even more bold and making advances.

Again all I am trying to right now is build consistent, casual friendly conversation with her so I can better find out who SHE is.

[Ask April Masini]

I think I answered your questions at the bottom of your first post pretty clearly. I’m not sure that you’re looking for advice any more. 😕

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