[fionaP]

Hi,
I need some objective advice from someone who doesn’t know me or my family.
My partner of 13 years (2 kids) has recently returned from a 3 month work related trip. While he was away I stayed at my mother’s. About half way into our 3 month separation my mother revealed something to me that I wish she NEVER had. She told me that my partner is planning a surprise wedding for us to be held NEXT WEEKEND. We have been planning on getting married for years now but just haven’t come up with the right time or money. I truly don’t know why she told me! She says that she thought that I would want to know, she hates surprises. She also thought that it was unfair that I wasn’t able to participate in the planning (choose location, invitees, decorations, etc). She thought that my partner was going to buy a dress for me without my having a say in it, but in fact he had already spoken to me of dress shopping for a “future wedding”. I think that she just couldn’t take the pressure of keeping the secret. I have been incredibly irritable and moody (probably suffering from some degree of post-partum). I’m sleep deprived and was separated from my man so I wasn’t the happiest person to live with. She says she told me so that I would have something to look forward to. But instead she has given me something to stress about. I can’t sleep, I’m having nightmares about it. All I can think about is what he is planning or what he has forgotten to plan and WHAT THE HECK I’M GOING TO DO!! She says that my soon-to-be mother-in-law (who likes to meddle) also thought that I should know and suggested that my mom tell me since she already has a rocky relationship with my guy and telling me would end it. Did she throw my mom under the bus? Who knows, but either way it was my mom’s choice to tell me. I feel soooo robbed!! What could have been one of the most memorable days of my life is now something that I am dreading. What do I do? If I tell him that I know not only will it ruin a surprise that he has been working so hard to make happen, but he will never forgive my mom. Nor will anyone who finds out that she told me. But if I don’t tell him, I have to fake being surprised in front of I have no idea how many people AND I have to start this marriage with a lie!! I just can’t believe she told me!! I’m under sooo much pressure now and the fate of my relationship with my soon-to-be husband AND my mom’s relationship with everyone is at stake!!
The was I see it, I either:
1) channel my inner Merryl Streep and fake it the whole way through and take this secret to my grave
2) try to push the issue so that he tells me.. by not finding a dress or suggesting that I’m suspicious of something going on
3) tell him now and potentially ruin the whole day
4) fake it and tell him after the wedding
5) ???
HELP!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all……relax! Seriously. Have a glass of wine. Read a book. Take a walk.

Second, let me help you understand that you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. This is not cancer. This is not adultery. This is not unexpected pregnancy. This is not a break up. In other words…… this is a[i] good[/i] problem! 😆

I know you’re stressed — and you have some very, very, very good reasons to be stressed. But I want you to reduce the stress, not increase it. You have so much going on — post-partum depression, two children, your husband out of town for three months and now you and your kids living with your mother until he returns, which is stressful under the best of circumstances, when you’re an adult. So give yourself the stress medal! You earned it — and now put it away. 😉

Now…. you need to reduce that stress, so remember: your boyfriend is coming home and he wants to marry you NOW! Do you have any idea how many women on this site alone, would like to be in your shoes? 😯 Most women who write here are trying to figure out how to get their man to marry them — and you’ve got one who doesn’t want to wait one second longer! Revel in your good fortune — don’t turn it into a problem! Look at the [i]big picture[/i] here! 😉

Your meddling mother and mother in law spilled the beans — not YOUR fault, and frankly, in the scheme of things, not that big a deal. It’s also a good idea for your husband to understand how your family dynamics work so that next time he wants to surprise you, he can decide who to confide in with this new, advanced knowledge!

That’s why my advice is that you be honest with your boyfriend and tell him how wonderful it is that he wants to be married to you and wants to take the burden of planning the wedding away from you. Realize that most men want to run the other way from this kind of planning effort! And then tell him how much you love him and are looking forward to the wedding, and that you’d really like to do X, Y and Z — whatever those three things are. It’s more important not to lie to your husband than it is to spoil his surprise — because at this point, the surprise would be a lie, so be the one who is honest with him.

Then, agree to go along with the date, but compromise for a few things, like YOU picking the dress, etc. A wedding is a big day, but the really important days are the ones that comprise your entire marriage. You’ve had kids before marriage, so obviously you’re doing things creatively and this wedding will be one more out of the box way you create your family and your lives together.

Find the joy in this problem, and let go of the angst. Be honest with your husband and find a way to laugh at the meddling mothers in both of your lives. Things could be worse, and if you can just get some sleep and a hot bath, you’ll see that they’re actually pretty good! 😀

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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