[dougmantis99]

I met my fiancee when she was 19 and I was 26. We dated for a year and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. After a year, we moved in together and got engaged a few months later. After another few months, I found some poetry of hers lying around that reflected negatively on me. It talked about how I was focused on work to much and did not have time to enjoy the small things in life. The thing is, I was working hard to advance my career to provide a better future for us. I paid all the bills with the exception of the internet bill and bought most of the groceries.

We talked about the poetry and came to a resolution that it had been because she had a skin condition and was generally unhappy with her life at the time. I had my doubts that was the only reason why she had written the negative poetry, but we moved along for a while and things seemed well.

After another few months, I started catching her in lies. She would go out and say she was just spending the night with a friend, but actually she would be drinking. I do not think she was cheating, but there were several occurences like this where she would stretch the truth or leave convenient information out about where she was going. I did not care that she was going out drinking, but it was troublesome that she was not being open with me. This happened about 3 times and each time she would say it was the last time she would lie. She lied about certain grades she made in her college classes and if men would be going out in a group that she was going with. We had a heart to heard and decided to keep trying despite the small lies.

After another few months I took a job in another state and we decided that I would move up and she would stay down until she finished school in a year. I felt pretty comfortable with being apart and had faith that she would be faithful. It never seemed like she had cheated or flirted with other guys, and she also seemed to be in love with me and me with her.

About 5 months into being in the other state, I caught her in another lie. I had asked that she let me know if she was going drinking, just so we could reinforce trust with each other. She conveniently left that part out and when I called her she was at a bar. This brings up other small lies that she had felt bad about and we make the brilliant decision for her to move up here with me. I tell her if she continues to lie, she will need to move back home.

Lo and behold, after a couple of months she lies again about whether she checked her tire before she made the trip. This conversation led to her revealing that at the hotel she worked at she had been flirting with the maintenance man. I was extremely hurt and told her to go back home. She went home and we decided to try and do the long-distance thing again, despite me being hurt about her flirting with her co-worker. After a two weeks, I am asking her if there is anything else she hasn’t told me. She tells me that she actually had been flirting with a second co-worker. I have pretty much decided to call it quits after this revelation. I know she hasn’t cheated on me, but there has just been so much lying that I don’t know where it ends and I can’t bear to find out the entirety of it.

My heart hurts so much. I felt very happy with her when we were together and she has said repeatedly that she feels we are soulmates. I don’t know what to think of the flirting and the lying. She did come out and tell me about it, but I had to draw it out of her. I always have to keep asking her for her to tell me about these things. Is this relationship worth trying to repair?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can’t tell you if it’s [i]worth[/i] repairing, but I can tell you what you can do differently that will help repair it. 😉

When you found the poetry she’d written expressing her unhappiness at your working so much and her not seeing you enough or getting enough attention from you, you got defensive instead of considering what it was that she was actually saying to you. It might have had some merit. Your explanation to me makes it sound like you glossed over the issue and attributed it to her being unhappy in her life because of a skin condition…. c’mon — really? You don’t believe that and neither do I. It sounds like she was lonely, and started going out with friends, drinking, socializing, and not wanting to tell you about it because the two of you lost intimacy. When she tried to tell you she was lonely, she didn’t get her needs met.

That’s why my advice to you is to focus on the real problem in the relationship — which is the intimacy between the two of you, and not the lies. The lies are a symptom, not the problem. You don’t describe her as a chronic liar. You describe her as someone with a relationship problem that is causing her to lie so she doesn’t have to deal with it. 😉 That said, the age difference between the two of you is not so much a problem as the life experience between you [i]might[/i] be. At her age, she’s possibly more interested in having fun and playing the field than you might be. You sound like you’re serious about your career and the relationship, but even though the two of you have dated for a year before getting engaged, she’s not as solid in the relationship as you would like her to be.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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