[gem]

I have been with my fella for almost two years come October, we have known each other as very casual acquaintances for 13-14yrs prior, I might add that I have an 18yr old daughter. We got to about the eighth month mark in our relationship and he started to talk about spending the rest of our lives together. He even went so far as to ask if I would like to be married to him one day, not as a proposal but in general conversation. I told him that I would. He seemed like an amazing fella, calm, independent, good job, owns his home, loves to travel(can afford to)looks to have fun, awesome companion, funny, smart, social, well liked…..all the things that I would love to have in a partner.

Then it all changed….as much as he waas talking about moving forward nothing ever happened. It was almost like he was stalling. We talked in January and we decided to move ahead….nothing happened and I gave him a chance. We talked in February and decided to move ahead….nothing happened and I gave him a chance, same again in March. In April we decided that I would give my notice and move in with him in May. So as I start to organize for a move in 30days, I mentioned to him that I was getting the movers to come on a particular day. His words to me were “What do you need movers for?” I was in shock! I had given up my apartment two weeks prior, but fortunately for me the landlord had not rented it, so I was able to stay. Even after all that I was still in love with him and wanting to be with him, but I was preparing myself for the fact that there was going to be no follow through from him. That has always been the issue….FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

I am so hurt by all the broken promises and non-follow through that things have been foul for at least the last eight months now. He wonders why I am angry all the time when he calls me and why I have not had any real time with him. I see him less and less. I have since moved to a new place and have not told him where I have moved to, he does know that I moved. I asked him to step back and give me some time, and for a bit he couldn’t even do that. Then he sent me a text message saying that he didn’t want me to be angry anymore and that he would give me the time that I was asking for and that he hoped that I would give him ONE LAST CHANCE, to do the right thing by me. He often tells me that he has been in love with me from the very day my mom introduced us(bad timing thing). He then contradicts himself when he becomes accusatory, jealous and suspicious. He has gone so far as to call me down and accuse me of being with other men(my ex in particular), then he quickly apologizes and says that “he was emotional, and that he is sorry” “scared to lose me”….etc.

I asked him to take a really good look at his “stuff” and perhaps talk to someone about how he behaves. He says that he has changed the ugly stuff and assures me that it won’t ever happen again(it has in the past). I so badly want to believe him, and to put my faith back into him…….but? I am scared that it really hasn’t changed and that if I were to move in with him or even to marry him that I would be living under his thumb due to his issues with jealsousy and insecurity(he has been caught checking my phone for text messages on several occasions….not an issue for me because there has been no one else since the day we got together). When it is good between us…..nothing could stop us, he is a “great catch” as they say but it’s the other that scares. I don’t do well being controlled and I wouldn’t want to divorce for the second time.

Presently he is giving me space and we talk mostly over the phone, he tells me constantly how much I mean to him and acknowledges his wrongs, we have had sex once in almost two months(this is an amazing part of our
relationship), he is specific in his plans and wants a chance to show me that he can follow through and be the man that he was to me in the beginning. He has been single for 4yrs prior to us, has never been married, no kids, and lived with someone ten years ago. We are both in our mid 40’s.

I am a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor with an addictions clinic(Ouch! do as I say not as I do…..), I am intelligent, educated and have more than a little street sense as well as having been to University, my friends tell me I deserve better and that I should move on. I feel I most definitely deserve to be treated better, I am a stellar partner. I love to take care of the ones I love and I do love him, but is it in vain? I told him after he started talking about being together forever that I was too old to be a girlfriend forever and that marriage was something that I wanted. He agreed. I really want to believe but after the misery of the last eight months or so…….it makes it very very difficult. In one way I feel that I may possibly miss out on a potentially wonderful life with him and on the other I feel as though I have given all the chances I should so cut my losses and be done.

Forgive and move forward or forgive and forget?

Thank you in advance for your advise.

GEM 😯

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, I’m always happy to answer your questions, but for future, please post questions in the Q&A forum. But since I’ve found you here….

You already know the answer to your question to me, and your instincts are correct. Follow them. As an addictions specialist, you know that words can be meaningless when the actions of the same person belie them. You’ve learned that even though this guy has been an acquaintance for over a decade, being in a relationship with him showed you things about him you didn’t know about him prior. You’ve heard him tell you he was going to propose marriage to you on several occasions, but after months of his not doing what he said he would, you appropriately realized this guy is full of baloney. The fact that he’s — I’m guessing 40 something — and has never been married may have been a yellow warning light. He’s got some personal issues that are keeping him from committing, and you are lucky to have found them out before wasting any more time.

You were correct to move on with your life, but what I’d like to see you do is to be a little more honest with him and yourself. Instead of not telling him where you live, be honest with him, but also understand that he’s not for you and move on. A clean break up will allow you the freedom and peace of mind to put yourself back out there in the dating game to be available for someone fabulous. I don’t think this soon to be ex of yours is as good a catch as you say he is. People can look great on the outside, and pencil out as perfect on paper, but still have rotten character, or problems that make the best appearance, meaningless once you’re in a relationship with them.

Make sure that now you’ve figured out what has really happened between the two of you, you take care of yourself — not him. Move on. Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and get ready to enjoy this next part of your life, now that your daughter is 18 and moving on with her life, to find romance and love for yourself. With, of course, Mr. Right — not anyone lesser.

[Member]

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