[mwate009]

Hi April,

I need help fixing this and there is a lot to explain. My grammar gets worse the further into the problem I type. To start I need to give you a little background on me. My name is Matt and I am a 23 year old guy going to school for my bachelors while also in an officer candidate program for the Marines. When I started at the university I met my now best friend Mike in the gym, and through him I met my other friends. Mike is renown at the school for his parties being wild.
Now to start into the story, in the group of friends I was part of was one girl named Krystle. I had noticed after awhile that she never went on any dates, so I decided to ask her out. We went out and slept together that night. About 20 min after we finished she turned to me and said “your still here”. I really thought nothing of it(maybe she had an early day or something) so I left. The next morning I had flowers sent. That evening she text me and asked me to come over. She was all over me from the time I got through the door. Then she said the same thing to me again. So a little hurt, I got up and got dressed but on my way out I noticed the flowers in the trash. I have to admit I was now more than a little hurt. But I stayed in that relationship if you could call it that of her just using me for sex from January 2008 to April 2008 constantly trying to get a relationship out of her. She told me I was the type to marry not the type to date. Then I broke it off and become very distraught and angry more at myself than her for diluting myself into thinking I would have been able to get a relationship from her.
Then during the summer I got a part time job being a male dancer for baccalaureate parties. At most of these parties I would get “action”. It wasn’t that I wanted meaningless sex from unknown women but it was sort of a way to punish myself. I was in a “how much emotional damage can I do to myself” period. Then when school started back up I started going to Mike’s parties again. I would go and get completely wasted and wake up in an unfamiliar room in a sorority house next to a girl that I did not even ever remember meeting.(My friends encourage this behavior from me) In the whole month of September 2008 I had slept with 13 girls and I still can’t recall the names of 7 of them. Then in the beginning of October I went to my sister’s wedding and got so wasted after the rehearsal dinner that I came close to getting alcohol poisoning. After the fact that it could have ruined my sister’s wedding if I had need to be hospitalized, I had a wakeup call on my own. I decided I needed to change or something bad would happen. So I got myself tested for STDs and realized just how lucky I had been that I hadn’t caught anything from my “mistakes” and I stopped drinking completely. Then in December I began dating a girl named Chelsea that worked at the gym. I was so happy because I had a relationship that included sex. Then she graduated in May and then in August she moved away to California, but we remained friends.

Now on to my problem. In October of 2009 I met a girl named Danielle at school. She is enlisted in the Navy in the medical field, and just transferred up a month before. She is 2 months older than me. She was there looking at the school to see if she wanted to finish her Bachelors in Nursing there. I was attracted to her from the first time I saw her. So I asked her out. On our first date we had fun(dinner and a movie at the theater). Same with the second date(dinner and a movie at the theater). On the third date we watched a movie at her place and then went to a movie at theater where you sit at tables and eat dinner during the movie, then we went to get ice cream and ate it out side in a large patio area. It was cold and she initiated the touching by rubbing her hands on my thighs to which I did the same to her. Then we went back to her place and watched another movie and she fell asleep resting her head on my chest with my arm around her. When the movie ended she asked me if I would be ok to drive home and I was unsure if she was offering for me to spend the night. I didn’t have any condoms with me so I just said yes I would be ok to drive home. We kissed for about a minute and she said “drive safe I want to keep you around” and then I left. During the date she had mentioned that her friend wanted to her to go to the outlet mall about an hour outside of the city but she didn’t want to go. So I offered to come out and we would go to the beach and hangout. She said “that sounds good”. The next morning I got a text from her telling me she was going to the outlet mall and asked me if I was mad. I told her I wasn’t mad(This scenario becomes recurring). Then she asked me to go to a concert with her a week away and I said yes. But 2 days before the concert she told me she had duty on the base and would not be able to go and would give her tickets to her friend. But the next day she put on her facebook page that she was excited to go to the concert(she did not know I had found her on facebook yet). Then on the day of the concert we were texting and she acted all bummed about not being able to go the concert but when it was time for the concert to begin all responses from her stopped, About 30 min after the concert ended she text me and said “don’t be mad but I got off early from duty and was able to make the last half of the concert”. (to put this out there I have never gotten mad with her before). Then we went to see the New Moon movie a few days later. I got worried because as I walked her to her door at the end of the date I realized we didn’t have any more dates setup (we had not gone out at the spur of the moment on any of the dates, all them were arranged on the previous date). We kissed for about 2 minutes and I left. At the end of all of the dates before I would get a text about 10 minutes after leaving and she would say “your so great” ” your pretty awesome” or something along those lines. To which I would always say she was too. But after leaving from that last date I didn’t get one of those texts so after about an hour I texted her that I had a great time with her. Then I began to not get immediate responses from her like I had in the beginning. So eventually I told her I was getting frustrated with her because I felt like I was getting nowhere with her. She responded quickly with, “I don’t know what you want me to say, I just don’t feel like we’re clicking that well. I talk about the gym and girls advances toward me and she has to act like it doesn’t bother her, she’s not sure yet and didn’t want to rush breaking up and end up regretting it”. (a little more background I was an amateur competitive bodybuilder which why I talk about the gym a lot but I don’t now that I know it bothers her) I told her the only reason I told her about the other girls advances was to show her that I could have any of them but that I wanted her.(I know now that it was a bad idea) And really I only told her about 2 of them because it was quite comical how the girls made the advances. So we argued a little through text the rest of the night and then I said “let’s just take a break for a week and see if we want to try again. So we took a break over the thanksgiving week (she went out of town). And we decided to try again. But she canceled on me when we were supposed to go out again. I got pissed and started drinking and texting her, and I told her all about my days as a male dancer and the parties and the sex. Her response was “That’s pathetic. I know you’re better than that. Being mad about that girl using me was no excuse to act that.” To make an already longer story short we decided to try being friends first before we try dating. She told me she was looking for a guy that was funny and romantic.
And so we didn’t talk again for 3 weeks till I text her merry Christmas on the 25th and we began texting again. (While we weren’t talking during those 3 weeks a girl at the gym asked me out and we started dating.) So Danielle wanted to know all about this new girl I was seeing… ie was she pretty, was she skinnier than her, was she hotter than her, had I slept with her. I was drunk and answered all of her questions honestly. Not hotter but skinnier, yes we had slept together already. I told her that I had been thinking of her a lot and even when I was out with this new girl I was thinking of her.(I truly couldn’t get her out of my mind). Meanwhile Chelsea my ex was coming back into town for new years and wanted to get together for dinner with me. I set it up for new years day with her and friends at 7 and then I had to be at work at 11 so I thought it was safe to see that nothing was going to happen. So I ended it with the new girl because I really wanted Danielle. (I told her I ended it to start back up with her). But then there went my new year’s plans I had with the new girl. Danielle already had plans and I didn’t so when Chelsea my ex asked me to go out drinking with her and her girlfriends new years eve I asked Danielle if she would be ok with it and she said “you’re a gown man and can do what you want””have fun and behave”. So I went out and partied with them. (All of them are a lot hotter than Danielle and all single and I was the only guy) So I decided not to stay with them over night even though I was drunk and shouldn’t have been driving because I truly wanted Danielle and not them. On the way home I text Danielle and told her Happy New years and she said the same. Then about 30 minutes later she asked if I behaved. I told her no and then said just joking I did behave. (she said she wanted someone funny) Then she said “sure you did, then what are you doing”. I told her I was driving home. So we were texting back and forth for about an hour before she passed out. She told me she would be scared to date me again because she thinks I might disappear after the first time we sleep together or that in a relationship I would cheat(both of which I would never do to her). I tried to reassure her. Then me and Danielle were supposed to go out on Saturday to try again at dating. I got off work at 7 that morning and went to sleep. I woke up at 3 and then I sent her a text to see what time we were going out. I got no response. At 5 I text her again. I got no response. At 7 I text her and told her I was going out with Chelsea because she had invited me out if I got stood up. At 9 I got a text from Danielle saying” Sorry I just woke up, quit being mean. Go out with those girls they are probably hotter and easier than her” I responded that I would rather do something with her and that I hadn’t gotten there yet I could still come by her place. She said ”Its fine just don’t try to make me jealous because it just makes me mad”( I would have preferred to go out with Danielle but I thought she was standing me up and I didn’t want to just sit at home and do nothing, and she knew this). So I went out with my ex and her friends again for the 3rd time in a row instead of doing something Danielle which I would have liked to do all along. That night about midnight she text me drunk saying that she didn’t drive but she was tired and “wanted her bed” so I said “so do I”(I wanted her bed too) she didn’t catch on but when she got home she said “had you offered to come pick me up you could have stayed with her in her bed(keep in mind I have not slept with her yet) On Sunday evening she text me out of the blue before I had to go work saying “I don’t see why you want to be with me these girls you’ve been going out with are way hotter than me”(she saw them on my facebook page and they are hotter than she is if you asked any average guy) I responded that she was hotter than them to me(true to me at the moment). But my patience is wearing thin. She told me that she didn’t know what was wrong she just feels like crying a lot lately maybe she is doing me a favor by pushing me away all the time. So I said “so you feel like crying than going out with me maybe you are doing me a favor. She called me insensitive and that I win and she would leave me alone from now on. I told her it didn’t feel like winning and that that’s not what I want. That I just don’t like being stood up and that if she had any real interest in me she would have broken her plans to be with me, and that it seemed like I was the only one making an attempt at us getting back together. Then I asked her what her problems were and tried to cheer her up that night while I was at work. Then she asked me to go out to a bar and watch a football game with her, and that this was her “making an attempt at going out”(she likes football and I don’t but she knows I am trying to get into it for her) So she actually didn’t cancel on the bar date and we had a good time but at the end I went to kiss her and she either didn’t notice or did it intentionally but she says “oh, we can hug”(so now I have been downgraded from 2 min kisses to a hug)
Background info on her. She is extremely self-conscious. She always says she not that great (I always reassure her that she is) She said numerous times in the beginning that I was way above her league as far as looks go. She has been married once before. She said she was cheated on a lot before. She dated guys before that got mad at her easily. I never get a chance to compliment her on my own because she is always fishing for them.
Background on where I went wrong with her to begin with from her words. I talk about other girls and the gym too much. I am not romantic enough, ie car doors, flowers, cards(her words)(to me sending flowers too early always brings up the bad memory of the flowers in the trash that I mentioned earlier so I just don’t do it till I am sure I really like her(which I do now)) But she says she doesn’t want me to change and be romantic if it’s not how I am and that she will just get used to it. So now every time I try to be romantic she thinks it’s a false attempt by me ie I wrote her a poem(it was really good and obviously about her) she said it was really sweet and that I didn’t have to.
So now I have a few dates that she says she will be able to make and a few maybes. But she says she wants to try as friends first before actually dating again. I really like her. I think about her from the time I get up in the morning and she occupies my mind all day and when I go to sleep, and it’s been that way since our 3rd date.
So how do I keep it going as friends without screwing it up and how do I make the shift to get us back into dating again?
Any help you can give me would be much appreciated.
Matt

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Matt:

You are very sensitive when it comes to yourself, and not so sensitive when it comes to your girlfriend. 😕 If you can focus on that, rather than all the details you’ve written about, you’ll have the answer to your problem. I know that probably sounds like I’m speaking a foreign language right now, but the details of your story are less important than the reasons you do what you do, and that has to do with self knowledge.

From what you’ve written it appears that you’re really afraid of rejection. You hate it, so much so, that you’ll sabotage a relationship in order to not feel rejected. So now, you’re wanting to know how you can have a relationship. Well, the answer is you have to get over your fear of rejection.

Dating and relationships require a lot of rejection to succeed. While that sounds backwards, the truth is that dating is a process to be used to find Ms. Right, and when someone realizes you’re not the guy for them, rather than seeing it as a retched rejection, you need to see it as a non-personal part of the process. The woman who rejects you is actually respecting herself and you enough not to waste her time or yours on a relationship that isn’t going to have a future. But all you hear is that you’re not good enough, when that’s not the intended message at all. The intended message is, you’re not Mr. Right for me, and if we continue to date, this is going to go nowhere, so I’m not interested, and you’re not free to find someone wonderful and right for you! 🙂

Instead, you sabotage relationships by telling women how many other girls hit on you. You tell girls that you’re going drinking with other women. You bolster your own ego by telling women how popular you are — but what you’re REALLY doing (and I know you haven’t realized this up until now) is telling the other women that THEY’RE not good enough for you, or special enough for you, and so you’re going to consider other women as possible partners either for the night or the long run.

Put yourself in your girlfriend’s shoes. Imagine what it’s like for her to hear what you tell her. If you can’t figure it out, here’s the clue: It hurts her. And it doesn’t make her want you any more — it makes her want to protect herself from you. Which, ironically (or not) is what you’re doing to yourself.

You’re in a bad cycle, and you need to get out of it.

To do that, you’re going to have to man up (and I don’t mean the kind of manning up that gets you great muscles or military training). You’re going to have to face the fear your heart has of rejection, and understand that you’re going to have to take a few bullets in love. That’s the name of the game — but the winner in love (the guy who’s got his eye on the prize and his strategy set to win her) gets a relationship with support, loyalty, intimacy, companionship, love fueled sex, and a desire to bring out the best in his partner and himself, will know that the scars from failed romances are nothing compared to the prize.

That said, if a woman treats you in a way that you don’t feel is valuing you, then it’s your turn to make the same non-personal decision that she’s not Ms. Right for you, and you need to stop chasing someone who is a waste of your time (and you of hers). 😉

Make a decision to win in love, and start changing your behavior so that you value yourself and the woman you want enough let yourself and her feel valued.

I hope that helps. Let me know what you think and how things go. 🙂

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