[Mikitymike]

Hi April,

I am getting married in two months to a woman I’ve been together with for almost 6 years. We met here in the US. Since about a year ago she moved back to her home, Hong Kong. At first we tried to webcam regularly, but quickly we stopped doing that – I’m not sure why. About a few months after she moved to Hong Kong she was hired for a very promising job. Her behavior began to change. She went out a lot to drink with her co-workers (both men and women) and would stay out very late. She doesn’t say she loves me and otherwise does not act very affectionately (I know it’s hard to show affection in a long distance relationship, but she doesn’t even say things like she misses me.) 99% of our phone conversation involves “errand” type stuff – like money issue, things I need to take care of like paying bills and such, so it feels very business-like. I visited her twice since she moved back to Hong Kong, and both times I initiated sex but she was uninterested. For one of my visits, instead of taking her vacation time off during my visit so she could hang out with me, she took it off before I visited and went on a vacation with her co-workers instead, so she had no vacation time left to spend with me. Her reason was that they all planned to go on vacation during that time and didn’t want to be left out, since they were all on her work team. She helps me manage my money and knows everything about my financial information, although I know very little of hers. She doesn’t get along with my family – this was one the reasons she did not want to stay in the US. Despite all of this, she is still actively planning our wedding.

My questions are these:

1) What might be the cause of such drastic decrease in affection? I still say I love her and such, but she doesn’t say it back to me. Note, however, that even during the year before she moved back, she had been a lot less affectionate than before. Just that after she moved back she got worse.

2) Despite not having seen each other for so long, she didn’t seem interested in sex. I understand part of it might be that she lives with her parents and I had to stay at her parents’ house, and being a traditional Asian family, she probably felts uncomfortable if we had sex in her parents’ home. However, during one of my visit we spent a night in a hotel, but still we didn’t have sex – I wonder if it was because we had to get up early the next morning and it was already quite late.

3) Am I being paranoid if I suspect that she might be seeing someone else? Note that a few years ago, while she was still in the US, we had a problem and she was on the brink of leaving me for another guy – an old friend she had a crush long ago, before I even met her; the guy suddenly wanted to get with her and she was confused. We worked it out and stayed together and eventually got engaged. To my knowledge the guy is still in the US. Given this history, and given her behavior (out drinking, staying out late), should I worry?

I’m sorry if there are too many facts and they are not exactly in chronological order. Any help is much appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have a couple of questions before I answer:

How old are you both? Where will the wedding be and where will you live after you marry? If she’s working in Hong Kong, will you get a job there or do you already have one lined up there? Or is she moving back to America to look for work there, since you work in America now?

[Mikitymike]

Thank you for your response.

I am 30 and she is 28. The wedding is in Hong Kong (which is why she is planning it and I can’t really do a whole lot to help). I will most likely move to Hong Kong after the wedding – this is a great sacrifice for me, as I spent most of my life in the US and have a career here. I will be looking for a job there.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re definitely not being paranoid, and if I were you, I’d try to spend some more time with her, in a concentrated block, in Hong Kong, before getting married. I know this is difficult to do, but in perspective, it’s easier than getting married only to divorce shortly thereafter. You need to be sure before you marry.

Based on what you’ve written, it sounds like she’s started a new part of her life without you in Hong Kong, and you should spend time with her there to make sure you’re both ready for this marriage. There are things going on in her new life that you don’t know about, and this has caused her to drift away from you and for you to be suspicious. This is not a great dynamic for newlyweds. Her disinterest in sex with you is a warning sign. It’s not normal for your fiance to be disinterested in sex.

I hope that helps. I know it’s a tough situation, but don’t get married unless you’re sure. You’re making a big change in your life by getting married, moving to another country and starting a new job/career there — don’t do it unless you have a good relationship with her, first. 😉

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[Mikitymike]

Just want to clarify: what is the disinterest in sex a warning sign of?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Disinterest.

[Member]

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