[Anonymous]

So the guy I have been talking to for the past few months calls everyday, texts everyday, takes me out to dinners, has me over, invites me to do things with him and his friends (sometimes). When we are out with his friends he is always joking with me and poking at me. I figure if a person isn’t interested why would they want you around their friends and why would they let their friends see those actions.
He is so sweet to me BUT the moment I bring up anything about relationship he gets his guard up. Or I get mixed signals. He said a few months ago he wanted to be single right now but then everytime I pull back he goes crazy. The same night he said he wants to be single he said all the things he loves about me (my smile, when I laugh, spending time with me, little cute things he notices, laying with me, kissing me ect.). I guess for me if you are saying I want to be single but then telling a person those kinds of things its mixed signals and I don’t know what to do.
Last week when we went to dinner I told him I was going to start dating other people and all I got from him was silence. Then he was like, well why? That evening we had a great night. Great food, great conversation, and just a flat out great time. BUT
He calls on his terms, sees me on his terms and texts on his terms. Sometimes I act as if I don’t see his texts or calls and he gets so upset: Why are you being like that? Why won’t you respond? Oh you’re ignoring me? It makes me sad you won’t talk to me?
I know I should play a little bit of the game but I don’t want it on his terms! How do I get him to come around the way I want him too? Or is this not going to happen? I know he said he wants to be single but his best friend told me he cares and he even said the L word. I can’t be with someone on their terms. I feel it needs to be both ways. Do I run away or to I continue to try to make this work?

Sincerely,

Dazed and Confused

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right to feel that you’re getting mixed signals. I think that the reason you’re getting the mixed signals is that your boyfriend has internally mixed signals! He says he wants to be single, but he acts like you’re a couple when he wants to, which happens often enough to get you confused! Understandably.

I don’t think you can MAKE him do things your way. I think you have to accept who he is, and understand that dating is about getting to know people and deciding if you want to continue to pursue a relationship when things get off course for you. Now is the time for you to decide whether or not you want to continue dating him exclusively.

If he balks at this, you can explain that you’re really just taking his lead since he says he wants to be “single” and for you, being single means dating with the goal of finding a man who is going to be your monogamous Mr. Right. You can ask him if that’s what being single means to him, or if he has some other ideas about what it means. This may open up communication for both of you and take you to an understanding, a revelation, or a change of heart. It may also make you realize you’re not compatible. For some people being single means avoiding commitment, and having fun — but then they realize that they care about the person they’re being single with, enough to want to commit. He may be teetering on this brink and uncertain of how to proceed next.

Regardless, you’re asking all the right questions at the right time — so good luck, and let me know how things go. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thanks April!
Well I got more answers over the weekend. He says I’m the only girl he is seeing and there is no one else. I said I am not looking to be someones “part time friend with benefits”. He says thats not how it is but wants to take things slow. He says he thinks things are going good and he wants to go slow. I know he has been jaded in the past because he has had some rough relationships. In his last relationship his ex wanted to get a place together and he wouldn’t do that. I am not sure if that means he wasn’t ready for that with her or if he is just scared to live with a female (he still talks to this one though). He was married about 10 yrs ago for less than a year so I’m not sure if he has a bad taste in his mouth with relationships over the last few he has had. He has been single for a little over a year. We met a year ago so its not like he is some new guy I just met. I guess my question to you is do I continue with things the way they are and go slow? But give myself a time frame to have a talk about all of this again? I don’t want to scare him away because I am falling for him more and more everyday. My other question is do I continue letting him reach out to me by texting and calls? or do I text or call sometimes? I feel like if I don’t call he is wondering what I am doing and eventually will call or text (just because I think men love the chase). He is a great guy I just think he might be scared of commitment due to past situations. Is it bad he still speaks to his ex through email here and there? There was another girl who he had text back and forth with but said he has never hung out with her. He said he hasn’t spoken to her in a few weeks and promises he is not going to hang out with her. I guess I feel like I should trust him if I want things to move forward. He is older (mid-30’s) so in my mind you think he would be ready for the next step in life but maybe I am wrong. Its just hard when you have someone who enjoys your company but don’t really know if this is something they want or if this is just fun for the moment. I’m great with advice to friends on relationships but when it comes to my own relationships its hard! 🙄
Thanks for the help April!
Sincerely,
Dazed and Confused

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should definitely [i]not[/i] ask him out. ❗ If he wants to date you, he’ll ask you on a date. It’s that simple. And if you remember that, then you won’t feel mixed up or confused.

You can[i] pretend[/i] you’re getting mixed signals, but from where I sit, they’re not so mixed! 😕 While your co-worker may like you enough to flirt with you, he hasn’t asked you out on a date! So, what’s the mix up? If you ask him out on a date, you can be sure you’re going to be mixed up and confused even further, because you’ll never know if he would have asked you out first.

Lots of men like to flirt, and if they can have sex with a woman, then they will. But if you want a man who’s only going to want you, then this guy isn’t the one.

You should read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It teaches women how to figure out what they want in a man, how to get him, and how to keep him. I think you’d learn a lot from reading this book — it’s a quick read! 🙂 — and you’ll save yourself a lot of confusion about men in the future from what you learn.

I hope that helps! Good luck. 😀

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