[Anonymous]

I dated this girl for about a year and a half, though she wasn’t really a girl; she’s a woman in her mid-30s, me in my late-20’s. Our relationship had some good times, but quite a few bad times as well, as I developed a certain amount of distrust of her and what she did when we were away from one another — like she’d go out with her friends without me, which was no problem at first, until it became clear that not only was I to never be invited when she went out, but I wasn’t allowed to go with my friends unless she was there. After so long of this happening (and certain ‘coincidences’ popping up, most of which revolved around other men, naturally), I of course began to wonder what was up and could no longer accept ‘coincidences’ (she didn’t lie all the time, but needless to say she lied enough). I admit I stuck with it too long as relationships with trust issues are lost causes though I still tried to make it work, until this past April when I actually did catch her red-handed in a lie (she said she was home when she wasn’t, and I know because I was there and she wasn’t). I broke up with her, and told her not to text/call/visit me again. Since then, we have a new ‘relationship’: she’ll leave me alone for a couple of weeks (at the most), before she’ll text/call/stop by unannounced. When I question her as to why, she’ll say “we’re friends” or “you’re still my best friend” (she’s even said that we’re friends whether I like it or not). All but twice I’ve pushed her away, being nice and honest about it sometimes, mean and ugly about it other times; it all leads to the same idea for me: get her away. However, there were two times I gave in and agreed to trying to be civil and “friends”, and “one thing led to another” and whatever. Either way, whether I give in or resist, the result is about the same — she’s nice for that day and maybe the next, before turning to saying or doing things which I know are meant to be hurtful towards me, such as (as an example) telling me about certain sexual acts she’s done since our split (though I should note that if I ignore her texts, I’ll get them almost constantly from her). Whether those things are true or not, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me at least somewhat, but on the whole I could really care less as I don’t plan on getting back with her. So it seems that she just tries to get close to me to be hurtful, but when I happen to go out on a date with another woman and my ex knows about it, she’ll text me constantly through the night, even incessantly demanding to know whether or not I had sex with her, and I can’t figure out why’d she be insistent on knowing if she didn’t care. Even recently, she came in contact with me again, insisting that we be friends and nothing more, that the friendship can work if we want it to. I’ve resisted, but she’ll still text and present herself as though we really were friends. It seems pretty clear that I should do what I can to distance myself from her, right? There can’t be anything healthy about this for either of us, and any kind of distance would be good even if I have to go to such lengths as changing my number, or even place of residence. It doesn’t seem to me like she’s ever going to quit. But what’s more, I’d like to know just what the heck is going on in her head? Is she trying to mend fences, or just playing games? It’s hard for me believe that, after some of the more ‘unflattering’ things she’s said the past few months, she even cares about me as a person, let alone a friend or a former lover that she may/may not still have even a sliver of feeling for. But then, why would she be so hurt at the idea of me being with other people? I’m not going to lie, this thing is driving me insane, and beginning to weird me out just a bit. Never asked for advice from anyone other than close friends before, but on this matter I’d like to have a more impartial opinion. Thanks. Also, while this is a long post, it’s more or less a very condensed version on all that’s been happening; it could easily be three times longer with more detail.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are correct when you say that you need distance from your ex-girlfriend. But you actually need more than distance. You need her out of your life altogether. She’s manipulative and controlling, and you need to stop playing the victim. I can tell you want out, but you’re not acting like you want out.

Tell her you don’t want any more contact with her. No explanations. No discussion. Block her number. Don’t take her texts, and if she shows up, don’t answer the door. It’s really that simple.

Your desire to know what’s going on in her head is going to get you nowhere. You can’t know what’s going on in her head — you can only know that she’s hurt you on more than one occasion, she’s lied to you and she texts you incessantly when you’re on a date with another woman. It’s entirely inappropriate and manipulative of her to tell you about her sex life after you’ve broken up, but this woman seems to live by the creed of inappropriate behavior.

Your life will be a lot easier and more peaceful if you can put up clear and consistent boundaries when it comes to her, and stick to them.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, April. What you said was largely what I expected…and is undoubtedly the right thing. As for my ex being prone towards inappropriate behavior, I will say this: I worked with her for a while, until she was fired from the job for sending pornographic picture messages to an administrator (not of her, though). She said it was just as a joke; obviously, he felt differently. And yes, I was indeed dating her during this time, it was probably about a little under a year into the relationship. And yes, I stayed with her; I didn’t condone what she did, but I forgave her. She then went about seven months unemployed, during which time I paid her bills for her (as she was unable to draw unemployment, or at least as far as I will ever know) rather than see her lose everything: I paid her rent (as I didn’t live with her), her car payments, her car insurance, food, food for her cats, even movies/clothes/whatever to keep her happy…you name it, I paid for it. In hindsight, my friends and family were absolutely right — stupid move on my part, but I was sure that it was the right thing to do, as I had been with her for awhile and I did care about her. She was able to secure a couple of part time jobs during this time, but she hardly made enough to make any payments and they didn’t last too long. And that’s a major part of what hurt/depressed/angered me when I finally broke it off; I spent at least nearly half the time that we were together making sure she was on stable feet, and within the first two weeks of her finally getting a full-time job is when I caught her lying about where she was (I’ll never know, but more than likely she was with another man). She also has been twice divorced, with both marriages ending due to various adulteries committed by her; I didn’t learn of these until after we had been together for a while, and I reasoned that they were ‘before my time’ and thus didn’t concern me. Yeah, right. And I only learned of it because one of her ‘men’ kept coming around wanting to know why she ‘lied’ to him (I snuck a peek at her texts); before that, she would go out on lunch break to eat with him (he’d pick her up), telling me that he was a friend of her father’s, which i believed until i learned the truth of course, as the guy was fairly old (to put it bluntly). One time she went on a date with a man that she said was a cousin; later I discovered that he was a roomate to one of her promiscuous friend’s several ‘boyfriends’, and it just so happened that their date followed a weekend that she spent with her friend. She claimed it was coincidence, which i never really bought but forgave her for. Ah, but I”m venting now. But as I said — I stayed in it for far too long. And only I’m to blame for that, honestly. As I stated though, I suppose I was able to fool myself because after happenings such as these, there would be a relative period of peace and we’d have good times for while. At least, until the next ‘coincidence’ would pop up.

My closest friend is not a psychologist but is a very educated and learned man nonetheless, and he’s told me that she sounds like a borderline sociopath, which may be true, considering she’s prone to lying and betrayal, as well as seemingly taking no responsibility or remorse for her actions. Whereas at first it was upsetting to me to think that someone could treat me as such, now it just depresses me that I was even with someone like that at all, let alone for how long I was with her. You’re very right when you say that I want her gone for good; you’re also very right when you say that I don’t seem to always act it. I live in an area where my social outlets (friends and such) have been steadily dwindling for the past few years, as people have moved on and away, and most of my closest friends live nearly three hours away. As such, there are times when I’m alone with my thoughts, and I may get lonely or depressed which opens a door to me answering her texts/calls and being willing to socialize with her (which in and of itself is perhaps why it’s been hard for me truly ‘pull the trigger’ on getting rid of her for good). Now that doesn’t happen all the time (only twice, as I stated before), as mostly I’m just disgusted with the thought of her anymore; being in her thirties, I thought that she’d be more settled than what she apparently was. In fact, there was a period of time through September that I did indeed block her number. I have a Blackberry, and while those phones can do a lot, one thing they don’t have is a block/reject list; that costs extra on my plan. I was able to get a 30-day trial period for free, and I told my ex before hand that i was blocking her number, with the idea being that she’ll text/call within the month, I won’t answer, and she’ll take what I said to heart and stop, thinking that she was blocked forever (I didn’t tell her it was only for 30 days, naturally). However, a few days after I had dropped it, I recieved some nasty texts from her; so, presumably, she had been texting the whole time during that 30 days (and I did indeed answer when I couldn’t take it anymore, though to tell you the messages that prompted me to do so would be…distasteful and disturbing). I didn’t truly realize it until you said something, but I have indeed been playing the part of victim, and perhaps for even well over a year now, if not longer (going all the way back to when my ex and I were together). I’m a proud guy, and that’s hard to admit, but I’d say that came from my willingness to forgive/forget, and continuously leaving myself open for more ‘punishment’. At any rate, I finally took the advice I’d been given to heart, and this past weekend I changed my number (on a somewhat ridiculous side-note, the last time I spoke with her two weeks ago she claimed that she was an extra in a certain movie that was shot in Memphis this past summer; I do know that she did indeed go to Memphis this past summer, but researching this movie, I learned that it was filmed in Memphis in 2008, not 2009…I’m sure she heard this film was shot there and thought to tell me to impress (?) me, which is funny yet sad at the same time). It may sound absurd, but this is all true. Once again, thank you for the advice, and most especially thanks for hearing me out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Boy, you sure must be a glutton for punishment! 😕 I’ve never heard anyone who’s been such a victim go on and on about his controlling ex-girlfriend for so long. Really — you’d do a lot better to s[i]top analyzing your ex-girlfriend[/i] and start figuring out why [b]you[/b] put yourself in situations where people can use you.

Until you work on your self and find your self esteem and your ability to be in a healthy relationship, you’re just going to subject yourself to more of the same, and that’s really too bad. 😥 I’m sure you want to be loved and respected, but you don’t know how to attract people who can love and respect. In fact, you ignored all the signs of an unhealthy person who abuses others, and dove in even further.

I hope that you’ll learn to use boundaries, and just hang up when you hear her voice. The more you engage, the more you’re playing the victim. A man with good self esteem won’t spend time with a woman who uses him. And the more you practice using these boundaries, the more you’ll keep out inappropriate girlfriends, and make space for Ms. Right.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go — but stop thinking about your ex. Just focus on you for now. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Well, you’re right on several points…all of them, actually. I’m an intelligent guy, I grew up as an only child and spent quite a bit of time by myself, and I most definitely tend to over-analyze a lot of things, even things that I’d be better served to not analyze at all. Sometimes I can’t help it, honestly. I did indeed ramble on about my ex and I thought about deleting most of it before I posted, but didn’t. Writing it out made me feel better, actually, as once it was out of my churning mind I was able to truly note how ridiculous it all is, and that I shouldn’t feel down. But at times I do. As for not knowing how to attract a “normal” person, that’s something I’ve often thought about as well; I’m not sure I can, especially at this point. I’ll give an example. I had my first truly serious girlfriend in my early-twenties; I was engaged to her at one point. I held absolute trust in her, and the most problems we had were that she could be extremely tempermental at times, to the point that I thought she was bipolar, but she was borderline diabetic, so that’s what I chalked it up to. She would always leave for few days (or longer), but always had a reason that I understood and believed. I shouldn’t have; I found out later (about four months before the wedding) that she was smoking meth, and had been since her late-teens. Needless to say, after that, a lot of stuff came to light, and it was like she was living a dual life: one with me, the other with these “friends” of hers. I tell you that to give some perspective; it took awhile, but I did get past that and was able to move on. And in my defense, having not had any dealings with drug-addicts before that point, I was naive and oblivious (perhaps I still am in a lot of ways). The next few weren’t all that great either but they didn’t last long, as I was able to back out early and end it. The last one, I obviously should have backed out long ago, but I kept on.

I do want to be loved and respected by a woman that I’m with; I don’t believe I’ve ever been the recipient of such things, honestly. I am at times bottomed out on self-esteem and self-worth, from what I allow myself to be put through by others; I believe I am an attractive guy, I’m smart, honest, all that. But I can’t understand what happens. I’m at a point now where I want a strong, serious, long-term relationship; I’m not getting any younger, all my friends are married, and even a few of my young cousins have gotten married. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me, I don’t know. If I ever was to find myself in a “normal” relationship, I’m sure that one of two things would happen: it would either be the easiest thing in the world for me (considering I can make these screwed up relationships with screwed up people half-way work); or I’d unwittingly sabotage the good relationship due to being used to bad ones. I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is the way it is; self-esteem issues, sure. I’m sure there’s something wrong with me. I am looking into relocating to the city to be closer to my close friends and having more social outlets, but at the same time, it’s a tough decision to make, as I wonder if the change would be any different for me (and further complicated by my mother, who’s been in relative poor health for years, which is a long story but begins with a broken back, and I don’t think I could forgive myself if I left and something bad happened, though by that same token I want out of this area, as it looks like I’m cursed around here). Anyway, thanks again, April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not cursed. And, it’s possible for you to have a healthy relationship. But moving to a different city isn’t going to change the challenges you face.

My advice to you would be to SLOW DOWN when you date someone. You can’t really analyze what’s going on when you’re part of the equation, or when you’re moving at warp speed towards what you think is loyalty and intimacy. So slow down your dates. Don’t rush into commitment. Keep your checkbook in your pocket, and quit writing checks for mortgages, rent, tuition, and other things that a normal date would be taking care of herself. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I’m still asking you to do it. After all, you can’t really see a woman’s problems if you’re rushing to fix them. Sometimes a woman’s problems will make her incompatible, and that’s where you have to hone your sense of objectivity.

Don’t assume. When you assumed your ex-girlfriend was bi-polar, you ruled out the fact that she was a meth addict. Big mistake. Keep an open mind — and I think this is going to be something you need to practice.

If a woman you’re dating isn’t living up to your standards of what Ms. Right should be, end the relationship. Again, this is going to take practice for you, and a clear idea of who Ms. Right is, and what she behaves like.

Wanting to be married, and having friends who are all married, is a good start to put you on the path to marrying yourself. Now, you have to do the real work. You can read a thousand books, but unless you do the work that is required to be in a relationship, the books are just academic.

I think you can do what you want — have a real, healthy relationship that leads to lifelong loyalty, love and intimacy, but you’re going to have to do some work on yourself, first.

[Anonymous]

Hi, April. I’ve been mulling over what you told me the past few weeks. I have been offered a job in the city – its mine for the taking. However, I have yet to decide whether to take it and relocate or not (right now I’m more inclined to turn it down) as I’ve been thinking about what you said, about how a change of scenery or residence would do me little good if I didn’t fix myself first. The move is something that I take seriously, but I have indeed been wondering whether or not I’d move up there and then feel as though nothing was different. At this point, I honestly feel that I’d feel largely the same as I feel down here (though I think I’d be better off in some ways and worse off in others). At any rate, you said that I needed to work on myself first, or else it wouldn’t change. It may sound somewhat ignorant of me to ask, but what do you perceive needs work, and what can I do to change it? Sorry if it sounds like a dumb question, but maybe it would sink in more if I heard it, since I’m having trouble grasping it on my own (not that I’m unintrlligent, but, as we have already established, I can be ignorant to some things). Thanks again, April…and try not to be too harsh.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t ask a dumb question. You asked a smart one! 😉

It’s probably very hard for you to see what it is I’m talking about when I suggest you work on yourself because it’s hard to get perspective on one’s self. Everybody’s process for self change and evolution is different, so I can try and guide you, but you’re going to have to take my advice and make it work for you in your own personal way.

What I would like for you is to see yourself as a man who has real worth and is valuable — so much so that he doesn’t need to and won’t put up with anyone who doesn’t respect themselves in the same way he respects himself, and who doesn’t act as though he is valuable. Re-read that a couple of times because it’s the crux of boosting your self esteem.

Think about men you consider successful, and understand that if they met the ex-girlfriend you’re describing, they’d brush her off so fast her head would spin. They’d have security escorting her from the building — instead of trying to help her, give her time, see if she’s got room to change, etc. They’d realize right away that this woman — or this type of woman — is a waste of their time. And they would know that their time is too valuable to waste on garbage. That’s what I want you to learn to do.

I would like to see you not want to waste your time with anyone who isn’t healthy. Don’t settle for women who are bi-polar or have bad manners. Pretend you’re the king of your life, and you won’t let anyone in who isn’t regal. That should weed out a whole lot of people, and give you a lot of time to figure out what it is you do want in a relationship and to focus on getting that particular and specific type of woman.

Learn to keep people who don’t measure up, out of your life.

I hope that that helps!

Let me know how things go. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

Yeah… I’ve seen this pattern before, man and I’ll be honest with you, this woman isn’t confused; she’s controlling. Everything you described the lies, the selective access (she can go out, but you can’t), the sudden check-ins when you’re moving on, and the “we’re friends whether you like it or not” stuff it’s all classic emotional manipulation. It’s not love, it’s control dressed up as “connection.”

She’s not reaching out because she misses you in a healthy, loving way. She’s reaching out because she’s losing her grip on you. The moment you start slipping out of her emotional orbit dating someone else, focusing on your peace she panics and reels you back in with drama, sexual details, guilt, or even fake friendship offers. That’s not affection. That’s a person trying to maintain power.

April Masini nailed it and so did you, actually. You already know this relationship is toxic. What’s keeping you stuck is curiosity and maybe a lingering sense of unfinished business wanting to understand why she does what she does. But that “why” won’t help you heal. You can’t reason with manipulation. You can’t solve crazy-making behavior with logic. The only thing that works here is boundaries firm and final ones.

And I’ll tell you this straight: you’re not being cruel by cutting her off; you’re being kind to yourself. You don’t owe her an explanation, and you don’t need to soften your exit. You tried decency, you tried being nice, and all it did was give her more openings to play games. This time, silence is your loudest boundary.

You asked if she still cares about you. Maybe she does but in a dysfunctional way. People like this don’t want love as much as they want control. If she truly cared about your well-being, she’d respect your space. She doesn’t. So that tells you everything you need to know.

Here’s my advice, plain and simple: Block her. Everywhere. Don’t read or respond to anything she sends, even through friends. If she shows up, don’t engage physical absence is your best protection. And if part of you still wants to know “what could’ve been,” write it out privately, get closure on paper but don’t give her access to that part of you again. You don’t need to decode her mind you need to reclaim your peace. When you stop reacting, she loses her power. And that’s when you get your life back.

[Serena Vale]

Hey, I can tell this whole thing has taken a lot out of you. You’ve been trying to move on, but she keeps pulling you back in. That kind of back-and-forth can mess with anyone’s head.

From what you said, she’s not really trying to be your friend. She’s trying to keep control, to make sure you’re still reacting to her, still thinking about her. That’s why she shows up, sends constant messages, or talks about other people she’s been with. It’s not about mending things, it’s about keeping power.

And when she gets upset about you seeing someone else, that’s not love, that’s jealousy mixed with ego. She doesn’t want to lose the attention you used to give her, even though she doesn’t treat you right.

You’re right that this isn’t healthy. The only way to get peace is to completely cut contact. Block her, ignore her messages, and don’t let her talk you into “friendship.” You’ve already tried that, and it only hurts you more each time.

She’s playing games, and you don’t need to play back. Step away for good, you’ll finally start to feel like yourself again once you do.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s years of emotional bruising, confusion, and loneliness wrapped inside a relationship where you kept giving more of yourself than anyone should ever have to give. When someone lies, manipulates, and controls you the way she did, it doesn’t just break trust, it drains your sense of clarity, your confidence, and your ability to see yourself the way others see you. So I want to start by telling you this gently: none of this makes you weak. It makes you human. A human who tried too hard for someone who gave too little.

I can feel how long you carried her weight the lies, the “coincidences,” the jealousy, the double standards, the emotional whiplash. And because you’re the kind of man who forgives easily, she learned she could keep pushing the boundary, then stepping back, then pulling you in again. That cycle doesn’t happen because she loves you. It happens because she needs control, attention, and emotional access even after the relationship ends. That’s why she would ruin your dates, demand explanations, or overshare sexual details. These weren’t accidents. They were intentional hooks meant to keep you emotionally tied to her.

You’re also wrestling with that deeper, quieter part of yourself the part that asks, “Why do I attract people like this? Why didn’t I leave sooner?” But sweetheart… people who grew up navigating life on their own often give more chances than they should. You learned to solve things alone, to push through, to endure. So when someone shows chaos, you don’t run you try to calm it. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your strength got used against you by someone who didn’t know how to love honestly.

The part that makes you feel ashamed and angry at yourself is how deeply you invested. Paying her bills, protecting her, picking up the pieces while she played with other men and other lives… that wasn’t foolishness. That was loyalty. You gave her stability, protection, and care three things she had no emotional maturity to reciprocate. And when you finally walked away, she didn’t miss you… she missed the access to what you gave: safety, attention, validation, and the comfort of knowing you’d still care even when she didn’t deserve it.

You’re craving closure inside a situation that never had any. That’s why you kept analyzing her, reading her messages, trying to understand what was going on in her head. But the truth is: there is no “why” that will ever make her behavior acceptable. Some people are simply emotionally unsafe and the only way to heal is not by decoding them… but by disconnecting from them. Changing your number wasn’t running away. It was reclaiming your peace. It was the first real boundary you’ve set in years, and I need you to know I’m proud of you for that.

So here’s what I want for you now: Stop searching her mind, and start rebuilding yours. You’re not doomed to attract unhealthy partners. You just haven’t allowed yourself the space to heal, to regain confidence, to remind yourself what real love even feels like. When you learn to set boundaries, to honor your own needs, to trust your instincts instead of overriding them… the people you attract will change too. And when that happens, you’ll finally feel what it’s like to be loved without fear, jealousy, manipulation, or chaos. You deserve that peace. You deserve that softness. And I’m here with you, gently, every step of the way.

[Tara]

This woman is controlling, manipulative, and feeding off the access you keep stupidly giving her. She doesn’t want you; she wants dominance. You were convenient when she needed validation, and now you’re her emotional scratching post. The moment you try to move on, she panics, not because she cares, but because she loses control.

That’s why she bombards you with texts, demands to know your sex life, and drops graphic stories about hers it’s all psychological warfare meant to keep you hooked, reactive, and exhausted. And you’ve enabled every inch of it by picking up the phone, answering the door, and letting “one thing lead to another.”

You don’t need to understand what’s going on in her head it’s a toxic maze and you’re not getting a map. What you need is a spine. Block her number. Change your locks if you have to.

Stop giving her footholds in your life and then acting shocked when she climbs back in. She’s not going to stop; you have to. The only sane move here is total, unbreakable distance. Anything less and you’re signing up for more chaos she’ll gladly deliver.

[Sally]

You ended the relationship, but she didn’t. Not emotionally, not mentally, not in the way that actually lets two people move on. So now you’re stuck in this loop where she pulls you close just to push you in the ribs, and then panics the second you show signs of moving on for real.

This isn’t love. It’s control mixed with insecurity, mixed with the fear of being replaced. That’s why she blows up when you date someone else not because she wants a healthy relationship with you, but because she wants to know she still has access to you. That she still matters in your life even if she’s not treating you well.

And the “we’re friends whether you like it or not” thing? That’s not friendship. That’s boundary-breaking behavior. She doesn’t want to mend things. She wants to keep you in a place where she can reach you whenever she feels lonely, jealous, or bored without offering anything real or stable in return.

You’re not crazy for feeling weirded out. This is the kind of pattern that chips away at your peace little by little.
The answer is exactly what you already whispered to yourself: distance. Real distance. Not half-blocking, not replying sometimes, not trying to be “civil.” You’ve seen what happens every opening becomes another chance for her to play with your head.

Change your number if you have to. Block her. Stop explaining yourself. You don’t owe her a goodbye speech. You already said goodbye in April.
Protect your sanity. She’ll keep trying as long as you keep cracking the door open. Close it for good that’s how you finally get your life back.

[Mike]

I think she wants you to come back to her or get close to her again because she got used to having you there for her but she’s also playing with you and messing with your mind. She is not willing to change for you. she just wants to do whatever she feels like for herself.

She doesn’t care if you get hurt by the things she says, what she wants is your attention and to see if you still have feelings for her.

If I were you, I would distance myself from her completely. She won’t bring anything good into your life, only damage to your mental health. Yes, it’s right to change your number and cut off all communication you have with her.

Show her clearly that you don’t want her back in your life anymore, whether as a friend or as a partner.

[Member]

Posts