[Anonymous]

My girlfriend randomly said this:

“i hope you got me something i will like and is of use to me this xmas for all the “little” items you got me and i didn’t approve of, if you had just saved that money and gotten me actual things i wanted, i would of been so much more of a happy camper”

Thinking about some of the “little” things I that I remember getting her and why…

proactiv – because I knew she wanted it
several pairs of sunglasses – because her last two broke and I knew she needed more
high-end nano receiver wireless mouse – because she got a netbook but didn’t have a mouse to use with it
nice pair of earings – because when I mentioned rings/necklaces she said she doesn’t wear them but she likes to wear earings
ipod shuffle – because I knew she wanted one
boots – because she needed them
miley cyrus western shirt – because she told me she liked the style
TY penguin beanie baby – because she loves penguins
jansport backpack – because she needed a new bookbag

The only things I remember her being upset about was the earings and the bookbag. In the case of the earings she actually got angry and said I should have asked her what she wanted instead and that she has enough earings now. In the case of the book bag, I bought it online and I guess I didn’t look close enough at the size and it was smaller than she wanted… she also got angry about that.

Even if everything I bought her was of no use to her, shouldn’t she be happy that I thought enough about her to go out of my way and spend my money on her? Something I don’t recall her doing. She bought me shoes once when we were at the store around Christmas and I needed some, but I don’t recall her ever going out of her way to think about what I might like and then spend her money on it, especially without a special occaion (birthday or Christmas). Usually she’ll end up finding a freebie, for example she won a Chilis gift certificate so she took me to Chilis for my birthday… another example, she played some online instant win game and won two bookbags so she gave one to me for my Christmas gift even though I already have a bookbag that she knows I really like (since I’ve told her in the past that I like mine and she should get one like mine).

In spite of all of this, I haven’t given her grief about it… and I can’t even imagine getting angry and yelling at her for what she got me like she did to me. I don’t really even care if she doesn’t spend much money on me. Not that I don’t appreciate her letting me in on some freebies… but it would be nice if she would think about me and put some thought into finding a gift that I might like rather than just giving whatever freebie she happens to get. I can’t imagine what would happen if I just gave her something she didn’t need just because I won it as a freebie… and I also cannot imagine what would happen if she did go out of her way and put some thought into what I might want and then go buy it for me and when she gives it to me I get angry at her and say its not right.

I’m going to keep myself and her anonymous on here, I’m just wanting to see some thoughts on all of this. I am also going to keep the Christmas gift I got her a secret in case she sees this, but it is one of the things she has told me that she wants and it is good quality.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like she is trying to tell you she’d like something different than what you’re getting her, and that you took this as a rejection of your whole self — not your gifts — and got very defensive, and came out swinging.

To be fair, she was not very graceful in telling you she would rather have something else than what you’ve been getting her. But if you want to please her, rather than fight with her, why don’t you just ask her what she’d like? That way you’ll know for sure and won’t risk her being upset.

On the other hand, if she’s a stingy, ungrateful person in general, and her gift giving to you and her criticism of your gift giving to her is reflective of her being stingy in other areas of the relationship, you may want to reconsider the whole thing. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating or how old you are, so I don’t know if you’re still getting to know her or not and if this gift dynamic is part of a bigger problem or just an isolated incident.

I hope that helps. Let me know what happens because the gift giving season is coming up and this is a good time to flesh out this problem in your relationship.

See you on Facebook: [url][/url] and on Twitter @AskAprilcom.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what you mean by “came out swinging.” I never went after her physically or verbally. I said “I haven’t given her grief about it… and I can’t even imagine getting angry and yelling at her for what she got me like she did to me.” Coming out swinging is definitely not my personality, so I am not sure where you got that idea.

I’m in my mid-20s, and we have been together for about 3 years. She can be very sweet but then she can be extremely insensitive, almost as if she has a split personality. It seems like she has difficulty seeing things from other perspectives. Sometimes she will realize that she acted irrationally and she’ll say sorry and even ask me how I can stand being with her and such… my response is just asking that she tries to be more calm in the future.

In my first post, I also listed the gifts that I got her, the reasons why, and the ones she wasn’t happy with. I also mentioned that she got me something as a gift that she should know for sure that I have no need for at all, just because she won it as a freebie. I didn’t even say anything negative about it.

When I bought her earrings thinking she would be very happy with them, she didn’t like them. That’s fine I guess, but the way she treated me was worse than I would treat someone who I caught trying to steal from me. Yelling at me and such acting like I ruined her life, and all I’m doing is saying “please just calm down.”

This whole thing about gifts is just an example, not an isolated incident. Similar things happen in various situations. I just want us to be a team, where if one of us thinks something should be different we should just talk about it. I really see no reason for yelling in any case… it never helps anything. I don’t even yell back when I’m getting yelled at. I’ve actually had people ask me if I’ve ever yelled or cussed at anyone in my life. It doesn’t feel good when the person I want more than anyone else to be my teammate starts acting like I’m her enemy.

So that you don’t ask why I stay with her, as I mentioned she can be extremely sweet and loving and I have no doubt that she loves me and is committed to me. I just get confused when her mood and character makes such big and quick changes without any apparent trigger. Then when she is in a good mood, I keep thinking hopefully it will last longer this time, hopefully she wont start behaving like that again. Then I end up feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying to keep her bad side from coming out. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m always trying to be with the “good” side of her and like the “bad” side keeps trying to get between us, when her good side is out we’ve even talked a couple times about how we can keep her that way… and when her bad side comes out all I want is to bring the good side back…

[AskApril Masini]

First of all let me clarify: “Coming out swinging” is a metaphor, not a literal description of what either one of you were doing. It’s an expression that people use to mean that someone got all upset. When I said she “came out swinging”, I meant that she overreacted — not that she hit you or tried to. Hope that clears that up! 🙂

Second of all, it sounds like the problem with gifts is just an example of her temper, and that the real problem here is that she can be verbally aggressive and unpleasant and you’re never sure when she’s going to behave badly.

See if you can talk to her about her temper. Maybe she’s not aware of how upsetting it is to you. Ask her if there is a way you can help her not get so angry when you give her a gift that isn’t right. You really need to get this gift issue out on the table (another expression — “out on the table” — meaning to put some focus on it and not ignore it) because the holiday season is coming.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Lune David]

I’m in the same situation and honestly, gift-giving is starting to feel like a high-stakes game of Minesweeper! 😅 I try to pick thoughtful gifts based on what she says she likes or needs, and somehow I still end up in the danger zone. Anyone else feel like no matter how much effort you put in, you’re just rolling the dice and hoping it doesn’t explode? How do you survive Christmas gift season without needing a referee, April?

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