[uldopfcp]

Dear April,

My bf had to move to another country for work. In the months leading up to the move, I told him I’d love to move with him in a year once I’d wrapped up what I was doing. He said he loved me but that there were too many logistical issues and it would mean getting married, which he wasn’t ready to do. I said, it doesn’t have to be marriage. He said it did. I said fine but once he left, no communication allowed.

So he moves, and I’m trying to move on. Then he initiates conversation and kind of eases me back into the relationship, except long-distance. He is lonely and unhappy and “misses me”. A month later, I am confused. I ask him what it all means, and he says he still doesn’t intend to let me move to his new country and he’s sorry if I thought he changed his mind.

I’m thinking…if there was “love” there, why would he not want me to come with him? Was this just his way of getting rid of me? He never thought of me as a permanent thing, did he? And then he used me to get rid of his loneliness, didn’t he? Why am I someone that you can just throw away and then pick up as necessary? What am I doing wrong?

Please help,
Abandoned and Confused

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both and how long had you been dating before he moved away?

[uldopfcp]

I’m 28, he’s 36 and it was two years.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the extra information. It helps. 🙂

[quote]Was this just his way of getting rid of me? He never thought of me as a permanent thing, did he? [/quote]

I don’t think that he dated you for two years and then moved out of the country simply because he couldn’t break up otherwise. That’s a long way and a lot of work for a break up! I do think that his move for work was organic, [i]and[/i] that he didn’t want a serious relationship, and he realized that a long distance with relationship with you, at your ages, after two years of dating would have to be serious in order to keep you in the game. And he’s just not interested in that with you. 😥

I don’t know if he [i]never[/i] thought of you as permanent, because you haven’t told me enough about the two years you were dating, but if you want a serious relationship that leads to marriage, then you have to be serious about finding that type of person. There are clues along the way that a man is ready to be married — for instance, he starts hanging around with other married people and spends less time with single friends; he’ll be at a certain point in his career and have a certain amount of money socked away that he thinks is what you need to get married. He’ll start treating you like a serious girlfriend and will introduce you to family and friends — you can read more about this in [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you don’t have to guess. 😉

The other question to ask is one that should be addressed by you! And that question is: Did YOU consider yourself someone who was in a serious relationship that was going to lead to permanence? Many times, women don’t take responsibility for getting what they want and are surprised when it doesn’t happen. If you look back, did you date him in a way that let him know you were focusing on a serious relationship? And did you see cues that he was feeling a compatible goal? Or did you just settle into a default mode and not worry about it — until now?

[quote]And then he used me to get rid of his loneliness, didn’t he? [/quote]

I don’t think he’s using you. I think he’s lonely, and if you’re interested in what he’s offering, the relationship is on the table — but it doesn’t sound that it’s one that you’re really interested in. 😉

[quote]Why am I someone that you can just throw away and then pick up as necessary? [/quote]

I don’t think he’s throwing you away. I think he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you. You get to decide who to date and when, and if you think he wants something other than what you want, you get to date him or find someone else to date. But unless he’s promised you marriage and is now turning his back on a promise, it doesn’t sound like you were tricked — it sounds like you went along with a relationship that wasn’t going to end in marriage. Now, you have an opportunity to find someone who wants what you do. 😉

[quote]What am I doing wrong?[/quote]

Again, I don’t know what your dating for two years was like, but if you want a relationship that is going to lead to marriage, then you have to focus on that. Next, you have to see this situation in front of you as a gift — not a stumbling block. He’s being crystal clear with you about what he wants and what he’s offering. You get to decide that marriage isn’t in the cards with him, and find someone who wants that, too. Don’t try to make him be someone or want something he’s not. Instead, focus on your goals and finding someone compatible. 😀

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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