[mia_not_second]

I need honest words because I’m stuck and I don’t want to be the person who gets hurt. I met a guy who plays tennis and we’ve been hanging out with the same group of friends. He’s kind, easy to be around, and sometimes when we’re together it almost feels like we’re a couple — even if we aren’t. The catch: he has a girlfriend. He didn’t deny it when I asked, but he still texts me, calls me, and invites me to hang out with him and his friends. It feels confusing and unfair.
When I asked him why he wasn’t with his girlfriend he said she’s swamped with thesis work and doesn’t have time; when I suggested he could visit her or show more effort, he said she lives too far away and is leaving the country soon — so he’s not sure he wants a long-distance relationship. The excuses sounded flimsy to me. I like him, but I don’t want to be “girlfriend number two,” and I don’t want to be part of a situation that disrespects anyone involved.
What I really want is to be honest with him and keep a friendship — but only if it’s fair. I want him to stop calling me in ways that feel intimate when he has someone else. I don’t want to police him, but I also won’t sit quietly while he treats his girlfriend and my feelings as if they don’t matter. The awkward part is I don’t know what to say when I see him next: blunt boundary? light but firm message? walk away politely? I want the words to say that make my stance clear without starting a drama.

[James Smith]

Yo, James Smith here — and oof, this one gave me flashbacks to the time I accidentally found myself in a “love triangle” that I didn’t even know existed. 😂 True story: I once flirted with a girl at a friend’s party for three weeks straight — turns out she had a boyfriend the whole time, and the guy was the DJ at the party. Let’s just say I learned two lessons that night: one, never assume the DJ’s just spinning records… and two, emotional clarity is way sexier than mixed signals.

Now, about your situation — you’re 100% right to feel conflicted. This guy’s acting like he wants to keep both the comfort of a girlfriend and the thrill of your attention. That’s not friendship; that’s a safety net with emojis. You don’t owe him emotional availability while he figures himself out.

You can absolutely keep your dignity and your kindness at the same time — something like:

“Hey, I like spending time with you, but since you’re in a relationship, I want to keep our friendship respectful and clear. I’m not comfortable with texts or calls that feel like more than that.”

It’s calm, adult, and still firm — no drama, no guilt trips.

Let me ask you, though — deep down, if he broke up with his girlfriend tomorrow, would you actually want to date him… or do you think the way he’s acting now already shows you how he’d treat you next time around?

[Lila Hart]

You don’t owe anyone your silence to keep things comfortable. Be calm, not cold. Try saying something like:
“I like hanging out with you, but since you have a girlfriend, I need to keep our connection as friends only. I don’t want to cross any lines or hurt anyone including myself.”
It’s honest, mature, and sets the tone. If he respects you, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, that tells you everything you need to know.

[PassionSeeker]

‘Hey, I really enjoy hanging out with you and think you’re a great person, but I need to be upfront about something. I can’t keep being around in a way that feels more than just a friendship when you’re in a relationship. I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m a secret option or getting too involved in something that doesn’t feel right to me. It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to your girlfriend either. I’m all for being friends, but I need it to be in a way that’s respectful to everyone. Does that make sense?’

I think by saying it this way, you’re being clear about your feelings, without sounding accusatory or like you’re trying to control him. You’re not policing him — you’re just protecting your own peace and making sure you’re not getting caught up in something messy. You don’t need to get too deep into his relationship or his excuses about why things aren’t working with his girlfriend. That’s not your problem.

And, honestly, if he respects you and values your friendship, he’ll get it. If he doesn’t, that’s a red flag, and you’ll have to decide if it’s worth keeping that friendship at all. But either way, you’re standing up for yourself, and that’s the most important thing.

You don’t need to stay in a situation that doesn’t align with your values. At the end of the day, you deserve to be in relationships, friendships, and situations that feel healthy, honest, and free of confusion.”

[KeishaMartin]

That kind of situation can quietly eat away at your peace, because even when nothing “technically wrong” is happening, emotionally it feels off. You’re doing the right thing by wanting clarity before it turns into something that hurts you.

The truth is, friendship can’t survive when one person’s leaving emotional doors half open. If he really values you, he’ll respect your boundaries not test them. You can keep it honest but graceful. Something like:

I enjoy your company, but I need to be upfront, the way things are between us sometimes feels blurry, and I don’t want to be part of anything that disrespects you, your girlfriend, or me. I’m happy to stay friends, but it needs to feel clear and respectful. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

You’re not preaching, not accusing, just drawing a clean line. Boundaries don’t ruin genuine connections; they reveal whether someone deserves to keep them.
And be real with yourself too, if he keeps calling or pushing past what you’ve said, that’s not friendship anymore, that’s manipulation dressed as charm. You don’t need to shrink your self-respect to stay liked.

Tell me honestly, are you hoping he’ll back off and respect you, or deep down, are you wishing he’d choose you instead?

[Sweetie]

It’s hard when someone still calls, especially when you know they’re in a relationship. It sounds like he might be confused about his feelings, but that’s not your responsibility to untangle. You can stay friends, but only if it feels healthy for both of you. Keep things clear remind him gently that you’re there as a friend, and that you respect his relationship. Set boundaries that keep things in the friend zone, and don’t let any moment feel like it’s something more. Your heart deserves to stay safe, and his relationship deserves respect, too.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What exactly are you after here? Do you not want to date him because he’s already with someone else, or do you just want to date him at all?

[Member]

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