[AK_Lady]

So here it goes earlier today my fiancé runs into a girl that he slept with a few months before we got together. He stopped in to the gas station to get some snacks for us and I saw the back of her head, he told me that he had seen her there and tried to avoid her. Later that night we go to church, and a couple rows ahead of us I see the back of that head so I discretely ask him if that is the girl he slept with and he denies it. After church the girl walks up to us and says hi and how she hadn’t seen him in a long time, he introduces me as his fiancé and we shake hands. So because we’re at church I’m all nice and smiles to make a good impression, and as she introduces herself I hear that she has the same name as the girl he had slept with and ran into at the gas station today..WELL WHO KNEW?! As we are leaving the church I confront him and call him a liar, he gets mad, I get mad but I find out the truth-which I knew all along. So I’m on the phone with him later and we’re making up and he tells me that she sent him an email saying how I seem like a total sweetheart and we should all go out for coffee sometime with her and her new boyfriend that she thinks is the one. Do I want to go to coffee? NO. And to make the situation more complicated we are having the wedding at the church and were planning on inviting everyone from the church- I DO NOT WANT HER AT MY WEDDING. How am I suppose to invite her brother and his wife that she lives with without inviting her? The whole thing that happened between her and my fiancé is a secret, so I have to be nice to her at church because I’m friends with her family. My fiancé is friends with her brother and he didn’t know they were related until after the fact so it’s super awkward; and he doesn’t want anyone finding out. What am I supposed to do? I do not want to be-friend this girl. Please respond with any advice on what to do, I really need it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From what you’ve written, it doesn’t appear that your fiancé lied. 😕 It sounds like he told you he saw his ex-girlfriend in the gas station and tried to avoid her. I don’t really see where the lie is there. Then you asked him to identify her in church — but it really sounds like you only saw the back of her head, and so it’s entirely possible he didn’t notice her or couldn’t identify her without seeing her clearly. So, again, I’m not sure where he lied.

Maybe it’s the way you’ve written it, but it comes across as if you pounced on him for having had a past when this woman showed up at church. I don’t really see that he did anything wrong. In fact, he introduced you as his fiancé and everyone was polite. So, I’m not getting the part where he lied or behaved inappropriately. ❓

In addition, it sounds like together, the two of you decided to invite your entire church to the wedding. But now you regret your decision. So, again, this isn’t his fault, and it’s not really fair to blame him.

However, you’re absolutely entitled to invite who you want to your own wedding — and having ex-boyfriends and girlfriends at the wedding isn’t usually appropriate — [i]but[/i] if you’ve already made the invitation, it’s rude to un-invite someone, and it’s also, in this case, making a mountain out of a molehill. Sometimes giving a problem attention makes it worse than ignoring it.

My advice is that you reconsider your wedding invitations [i]if you haven’t already sent them out[/i], and just invite a guest list that you both agree on since you clearly don’t want your [i]entire[/i] church congregation to attend. 😉

As for getting together for coffee, if she calls to invite the two of you, you can make up a white lie and be really busy. She’ll get the message and back off — it really doesn’t sound like she’s got any intention of creating a problem in your relationship.

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[AK_Lady]

The lie happened when we were at church and I had asked him is that was the girl he had slept with and he denied. I found out he was lying for sure when she introduced herself and revealed her name.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for clearing that up. My suggestion is that you find out why he lied instead of berating him for lying. It sounds like he was trying to avoid a scene or drama — not necessarily trying to keep something from you to hurt you or keep you in the dark. I’m not telling you that what he did was right, but things aren’t usually black and white, and it sounds like there’s more going on here than just this one lie…. 😕

[Member]

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