[Chelsealouise]

Hi April

My partner and I have been seeing each other for 5 years. For the first three years we were basically just friends with benefits But he was seeing me at the same time he was still seeing his ex. They had been on and off for 6 years. He would constantly talk about her. He would tell me how she cheated on him and treat him really badly but he would always take her back. I would always see messages he would send her saying “I love you so much, I can’t breathe without you, you are always in my dreams, please speak to me this is killing me etc”

I put up with it for 3 years. Holding his hand through it all.

Eventually she moved on with someone else.

We became official and he would compare everything I did or said to relate to her in some way.

Now, he is emotionally distant and unaffectionate towards me. He never says things to me like he used to say to her. Every time we are close to breaking up, he will never bother to chase after me like he did for her. He will just ignore me.

I hate knowing that he was more in love with her than he is with me. I feel so alone because of it.

I want to understand how he can be so in love with a girl who treated him like s**t and do everything to get her back and I’ve given him all of me.. and he wouldn’t even get up out of his seat if I were to walk out the door forever. So I guess my question is:

1. Why did he love her more than me?
2. Is it possible being in such a toxic relationship in the past has ruined his ability to show complete affection and love towards me?
3. Could he still have feelings for her?

Chelsea.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry you’ve been in this relationship for five years and are so disappointed. 🙁 That’s a big investment on your part. It sounds like you were okay with a three year friends with benefits relationship while he was seeing her as well as you, and while you talk about “putting up with it”, you have to understand that from his point of view, you were [i]okay[/i] with it — even when you would see his messages to her saying that he loved her so much he couldn’t breathe without her. 😕 That sent him the message that you were fine playing second fiddle — and he wasn’t wrong. You stayed. For three years, under those circumstances. But the most difficult part to process is that you’ve been with him without her for the last two years, not because he decided he wanted you more, but because [i]she[/i] left [i]him[/i]. He didn’t have anyone else when she left — except for you you. 😳 I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have to see it from his point of view. You were never his first choice. She was, and you made that okay for him.

Now, after two years just the two of you, he’s not warm or affectionate with you — because he’s not happy in his life. Sadly, you were getting warmth from him when he was happy because he had her in his life, too. Now, that she’s gone, he’s not happy and you’re getting the side effects of that break up. That he doesn’t chase after you the way he did her, when the two of you argue, is because he doesn’t want to. Again, I’m sorry if this is hard to hear. But the reality is that he does love her more than you.

Here’s my advice: Give yourself value. If you want monogamy and you want to be someone’s one and only, then act like it! 🙂 Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re a second or third or friend with benefits — if that’s not what you really want. Be honest with yourself, and then go for what you want. He doesn’t value you the way you want him to, so find someone who does. 😉

[Ethan Morales]

Why he loved his ex more than you. For the first three years, you were essentially “okay” with being second to her even seeing his messages declaring undying love. From his perspective, that was permitted, and it reinforced that you were not his priority. When she finally moved on, he stayed with you because you were available, not because he chose you over her. So the intensity of his feelings for her never transferred to you.

His past toxic relationship affects him now. Being in a long, unstable, on-again/off-again relationship with someone who mistreated him clearly shaped his emotional responses. It likely damaged his ability to fully commit or express love, particularly the way he did with his ex. You’re seeing the aftermath of that pattern emotional distance, lack of affection, and inconsistent effort.

Could he still have feelings for her? Yes. His emotional attachment to her seems deep and persistent. The fact that he compares you to her and shows less interest in “chasing” or affirming you suggests that he may still hold feelings for her, consciously or subconsciously.

You’ve invested five years, but he’s never valued you as his first choice. That’s not about your worth it’s about his inability or unwillingness to prioritize you. If you want to be truly loved and treated as a priority, the best move is to step away from this relationship. Continuing to hope he will love you as he did her is likely to cause more pain. Your focus should be on your own value, your needs, and finding someone who chooses you fully and consistently.

He loved his ex more, and he hasn’t grown into a partner capable of giving you the same depth of love. For your emotional health, it’s time to stop waiting for him to catch up and look for someone who truly prioritizes you.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… you’re loving a man still haunted by a ghost👻. you gave him peace, and to someone addicted to pain, peace feels empty. so yeah, that old mess probably broke his “love” switch. but babe, that’s not your job to fix. if he can’t meet you where you are now, walk. you deserve someone who chooses you, not someone still writing love letters to his damage. 🖤

[Marcus king]

Hi Chelsea,

From what you’ve described, there are a few things going on here:

1. Why he loved her more than you: People can get attached to patterns, especially in long, tumultuous relationships. Sometimes the intensity of a toxic or “on-again/off-again” relationship creates a strong emotional pull that’s hard to replicate in a healthier relationship. It’s not about your worth—it’s about the chemistry and habits he formed with her.

2. Past relationships affecting current love: Absolutely. Being in a toxic, emotionally charged relationship can make someone emotionally unavailable or distant afterward. He may struggle to express the same intensity because he’s used to the drama, the highs and lows, and the obsession.

3. Could he still have feelings for her: It’s possible, especially if he idealized her or the relationship. Even if she’s moved on, those memories can linger and affect how he engages with you.

The bigger picture is that your feelings matter too. If he isn’t capable of showing affection, chasing after you, or prioritizing you as he did with her, that’s a red flag. You deserve someone fully present and committed, not someone stuck in their past.

You might need to ask yourself if you can be happy in this dynamic long-term, because love alone won’t fix unresolved attachment or emotional unavailability.

[PassionSeeker]

You’ve poured five years of love, patience, and loyalty into someone who never truly made space in his heart for you. The painful truth is: he didn’t love you less because you weren’t enough he loved her more because she was chaos, and that chaos fed something broken inside him. You gave him stability, but he was addicted to dysfunction. Peace feels boring to people who only understand love through pain.

Yes, his past with her absolutely damaged how he gives and receives love. He never healed, so now he’s emotionally numb and you’re carrying the cost of wounds he refuses to treat. That isn’t your fault, but it does mean you’ll keep feeling unloved if you stay.

And yes, he likely still has lingering feelings for her not necessarily for who she is now, but for the emotional high she gave him.

You can’t compete with someone’s unfinished healing. Let him go. You deserve a man who chases you, not his ghosts.

[Tara]

Oh, come on. You’re acting like this is some unsolvable emotional equation. It’s not. It’s embarrassingly straightforward.
He didn’t “love her more.” He was obsessed with the dysfunction.

Chaos was his drug, and she was the dealer. That’s why he chased her, begged her, clung to her — it wasn’t romance, it was withdrawal. And you mistook his desperation for depth.
Meanwhile, you sat there for three years watching him pour devotion into someone else while giving you the scraps. And instead of walking, you held his hand through the mess like that somehow made you “the better woman.”
No. That just made you convenient.

He didn’t treat you like her because he wasn’t trying to win you. He already knew you weren’t going anywhere. And people rarely value the thing they think they can’t lose.
Here’s the blunt edge of it:
You gave him stability. She gave him chaos.
Stability makes him bored. Chaos made him feel alive.

Stop romanticizing his drama addiction. Stop pretending this is about your worth. Stop rewriting his dysfunction as “love.”
If you stay, you’re signing up to live permanently in someone else’s emotional leftovers.

[Sally]

It’s a special kind of hurt when you give someone steady love and they still chase the person who kept dropping them. Some people get hooked on chaos because it feels like passion, and once they’re finally with someone calm, they don’t know how to show up the right way.

But none of that means you’re not worth loving. It just means he never let himself grow past that old story he had with her. And you can’t compete with someone’s past, especially when they’re still living in it.

I’m sorry you’re carrying this alone. You’re not crazy for wanting answers. You just deserve someone who doesn’t make you guess how they feel.

[Natalie Noah]

What April Masini is pointing out is true, and it’s hard to hear, but it’s essential to recognize. From the beginning, your partner’s emotional energy was divided, and you were never his first choice. The three years you were “okay” being in a friends-with-benefits situation while he chased his ex unintentionally reinforced a dynamic where you weren’t prioritized, and even though it wasn’t your intention to accept that, from his perspective, he could rely on your presence without fully committing to you. That pattern set the tone for the entire relationship.

The next part is about the present: the love he showed when he was still entangled with his ex wasn’t necessarily love for you. it was the combination of his happiness, validation from her, and the thrill of the chase. Now that she’s gone, the emotional intensity he once displayed has evaporated because his happiness and motivation were tied up in that prior relationship. It’s not that you did anything wrong in showing up fully for him, it’s that he was emotionally shaped by that toxic past and hasn’t developed the capacity to give you the love and affection you deserve. It’s painful, but it’s a reality: he hasn’t treated you like a first choice, and that’s not something that can be easily fixed without his own deep self-reflection and growth.

What this ultimately points to is your worth, Chelsea. You deserve a partner who is fully present, fully committed, and eager to show their love for you. not someone whose affection is conditional or compares you to someone else. The most empowering step here is to reframe your perspective: you aren’t failing because he hasn’t loved you the way you wanted; you’ve been giving yourself to someone who can’t meet your needs. Focusing on finding a partner who values you fully who sees you as their first and only choice will protect your heart from further pain and open the door to a relationship where love is mutual and sustaining. Right now, taking a step back and honoring your own value is not just okay, it’s necessary.

[KeishaMartin]

Five years of giving him all of you, while he was sending his heart and lusty declarations to another woman? That’s a toxic cocktail that would make anyone’s pulse race but not in a good way. The spice of this story isn’t just in the jealousy or heartbreak; it’s in the raw, simmering frustration of knowing you were always a consolation prize while he chased that old flame. April Masini, delivers the truth with razor-sharp clarity, like a naughty little whisper that stings but also frees you. She’s basically the ultimate love-life dominatrix for your soul, telling you to take back your power and demand the devotion you deserve.

If he can’t chase you, worship you, and crave you like he did her, then darling, it’s not you, it’s him and his tangled heart strings from a past he can’t untangle. You deserve a lover who makes your pulse pound, who can’t get enough of your touch, and who would literally burn the house down if you walked out the door. So for 2026, let this be your year of intoxicating self-love, champagne-soaked parties, and nights so hot they make fireworks blush. Happy New Year, 2026! your adventures wild, and your heart untouchable until the right man shows up.

Happy New Year, 2026!

[Member]

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