[mrlimbo]

I’ve been married 14 years, last 12 months we’ve been separated. We have 3 kids and live about 1 km apart; so we see or communicate with each other regularly. We’ve both dated other people during this time of separation. In September she turns out to be pregnant from (at the time) 21 year old unemployed refugee from the Middle East. She’s 43 and I’m 39. She had broken it off with him and got the abortion pill. At the same time we agreed to go to couples counseling. I decided I still loved her deep down inside. She said her only goal at the moment in counseling was to work on our communication since we’re alone in a foreign country with no relatives nearby. I went all out and said I wanted to marry my best friend (her) again and bring the family back together. Time lingered on and I find out about this guy. She told him about the abortion and then they apparently rekindle their relationship. I confronted her Sunday and she said she still loves him. I emailed her a bit about divorce and giving up. She then said that she didn’t give up. I just don’t get it. Her actions are clear. I know her biggest fear is not being financially independent and that she has to rely on me. I think her decisions are more fear based. I told her I wouldn’t screw her over financially as that would just hurt the kids. I just don’t see a way forward to heal the relationship; not if she’s in love with someone else. I feel like I am being used; a backup plan. Am I an idiot? Is it best just to move on? My heart is broken and I just can’t take it any more.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m so sorry you’re hurt. A 14 year marriage ending is a big deal. The problem is that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and one to end it. She doesn’t sound like someone who wants to be married or work on the marriage. Since you’ve been separated for the last 12 months, and you still haven’t been able to work things out with her, I think it’s time for you to move on. As hard and painful as divorce may seem to be, if your wife is in love with someone else and is clear she doesn’t want to reconcile with you, it’s in everyone’s best interests, including your children’s, to get divorced and create a new stability for them. You can’t control your wife, but you can control your own actions and since she’s sort of out there figuring things out for herself beyond the marriage, you have to find a way to create a safe, healthy and even happy life for yourself and your children. I know this is difficult, but life is fluid and she’s not interested in being married to you anymore. It’s been a year of separation. Time for you to move on and stop waiting for her.

[Sally]

This is one of those situations where your head knows the answer, but your heart keeps trying to rewrite the story. Fourteen years is a long time. Three kids. A whole life built together. It makes sense that you’re holding on, even while everything in front of you is telling a different truth.
But her actions… they’re loud. She went back to him even after everything blew up. She’s telling you she loves him. And at the same time she’s keeping you close because you’re safe, stable, familiar. That doesn’t mean she’s evil it just means she’s scared and leaning on the person who’s always been there.
The part that hurts is you’re standing there with your heart open, hoping she’ll choose you again. And she’s not choosing. She’s keeping you as a maybe while she keeps him as a yes.
That’s not love. That’s fear on her side, and heartbreak on yours.
You’re not an idiot. You’re just a man who still cares. But you can’t rebuild a marriage alone. And you can’t be someone’s backup plan, not with this much pain already in the mix.
Take a breath. Sit with the truth of how all this feels. And start imagining a life where you’re not begging for someone to come home they just want to.

[Tara]

You’re not an idiot, you’re a man refusing to accept the reality that’s punching you in the face. She isn’t confused, torn, or “fear-based.” She’s keeping you on financial life support while emotionally investing in someone else. You’re the stability; he’s the thrill. And instead of drawing a boundary, you’re handing her every reassurance she needs to keep using you as the safety net she doesn’t want to lose. She didn’t “accidentally” fall back in love with a 21-year-old; she chose it, lied to you about it, went to counseling with you while still attached to him, and only says she “hasn’t given up” when you mention divorce because losing you means losing her security.

Her actions aren’t mixed. They’re brutally consistent: she wants him emotionally, and you financially. You’re not her husband anymore; you’re the contingency plan.
And here’s the part you’re avoiding: there is no “way forward.” Not when she’s in love with someone else. Not when she’s building a second relationship behind the one you’re trying to resurrect. Not when you’re the only one fighting for a marriage she already exited a year ago.

You are breaking your own heart by clinging to a fantasy of who she used to be instead of seeing who she is now. The verdict you don’t want but desperately need: stop humiliating yourself and move on. You can co-parent, support your kids, and rebuild your life without being her emotional doormat. She made her choice. Now make yours and choose yourself for once.

[Member]

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