[NYCGIRL22]

So, this is the first time I’ve ever posted anything like this online but considering I’ve never been in this situation and none of my friends have either, I figured I would take to the Internet to get some clarity.

I was dating this guy for 4 months. While I know this is not very long, I did feel a strong connection to him. When we met, he was about 9 months into a very bad divorce with two kids, a 3 and 5 year old. Things were good the first two months we started dating and I knew that his kids and work etc have to come first. But then things began to change. It started to get to the point where I was feeling burdensome to him and tried ending it bc I needed more than he could give. I basically said people make time for what’s important to them. I’m not the type that needs to see someone every day but I do need to see an effort is being made. He recognized my needs after I spoke to him and he said he would make a better effort with me and he wanted to continue seeing me and made it clear there was no one else. Overnight I felt like he did a 180 and everything was perfect (as far as they can be considering the situation). Fast forward 6 weeks later and communication started to taper off again and he was very “vanilla” in his contact with me. I tried to spice things up and sext him thinking that most men enjoy that, I would get a generic response if one at all. Now, not to be cocky but I’m a pretty attractive fit woman, so sending him pictures wasn’t something I was uncomfortable with and have done so with him previously. During this time, I was aware of all he had going on with his divorce and kids. He filled me in on nitty gritty details of his divorce and I was definitely a listening ear for him. He is fighting for joint custody while his ex is fighting for full; he is already almost 40k spent in lawyer fees and hiring doctors for psych evaluations and now she wants him to pay her lawyer feels as well all the meanwhile he’s getting sucked dry in child support, his home he isn’t even living in is going into foreclosure and she’s out clubbing and shopping. He has his kids 1 or 2 days during the week and every other weekend and works as much in between then (he’s a fireman so his schedule isn’t your normal 9-5). Long story short, the last time we saw each other we went out, had a great time he was saying how he wishes he could see me more and how much he’s into me etc then a week later he’s standoffish…I have been very honest and upfront with him the entire time and I once again told him that I was feeling like a bother and that us dating was becoming pointless if he doesn’t have time. He agreed and said it wasn’t me, he just has so much going on with the ex doing “bad bad thing”, the kids, the lawyers, the court dates, that his life is a mess right now and he doesn’t have time for anything. Obviously, I’m upset by this and he told me not to take any of it personally and doesn’t understand why I am. I essentially told him that I wished him luck with the divorce and him and his kids the very best and if things change he knows where to find me. He thanked me and told me he would be in touch and told me he was sorry if he gave me the wrong impression. I did text him on 9/11 to say thank you for what he does and to stay safe and he replied that my text means a lot to him. I am having a hard time processing how this all ended so quickly and I thought he would fight for me like he did the first time, which then made me feel is there someone else? Did he find someone to replace me with? Why would he say he will be in touch if we are ending things? I do care about him and again I know most ppl will say it’s only 4 months but I truly have never met someone who I’ve had this much in common with and have felt this strong of a connection with in a short amount of time. Any advice on where to go from here is appreciated bc I do miss him. Thanks 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s really hard for a guy who’s getting divorced, fighting a custody battle, co-parenting his toddlers with a contentious soon-to-be ex, struggling financially and working full time as a fire fighter, to date! 😉 In other words — it’s not you, except that your expectations may be unrealistic. Plus, you said he’s “going through a divorce,” and I’m guessing that he’s still married, soany inkling his wife has about his dating life, is probably just going to enrage her and cause her to fight harder in other arenas, for revenge. Fair? No. Does it happen? All the time. In addition, I’m pretty positive because of all the stress he has that has nothing at all to do with you, he’s looking for a relationship with someone that is super easy and positive. This doesn’t make him shallow. It just makes him realistic. This isn’t the time for him to be fighting for a girlfriend when he’s got so much else going on.

My advice is to try and absorb this, and give this all a break until he’s legally single, and has his custody schedule and child support order set. For some couples this takes a few months. For others, a few years — or more. Don’t wait for him — but do get back in touch with him when things for him calm down and if you’re both ready at that time, give it another shot. Right now, the deck is stacked against you. And the old cliche of “timing is everything” is what’s going on here.

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[NYCGIRL22]

Thanks for the advice! I guess as I was getting more attached, I was wanting more from him that he couldn’t give. Obviously, I left the ball in his court and he did say he will be in touch, but that just leaves me guessing what he meant by that. Does he mean in touch as friends or a friends with benefits situation or does he mean be in touch when all the calms down which could be a year from now. I just don’t know. Even though he is stressed, men are still men, and they need sex and not going to lie as do I! I don’t know if he will try and hook up with me and make me a FWB, which isn’t something I really want or if he will just go out and hook up with random girls when he does have free time. I’m struggling with the thought of him replacing me because of previous relationships of being lied to and cheated on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The trick here is to focus on what YOU want. 😀 If you want a committed relationship with a man, you have to start by choosing a man who’s available. This guy may have great qualities, but right now, he’s married, and he’s in a legal battle, with two toddlers at stake. He’s got money problems and he’s not fighting for you. This doesn’t put him at the top of the list of guys I’d want to give you to date. 😉 It’s not personal — it’s just that he’s not compatible with your goals right now. When you go into a FWB situation, you take yourself out of the dating pool and you don’t make yourself feel single — and while there may be instant gratification to make you feel like you’re with someone and not alone, you’re doing more damage than good because he’s just not there for you as anything other than a FWB. 🙁

I hope you’ll put yourself and your goals and dreams first. He may become compatible one day, but right now, he’s not. Keep your eye on the ball. 😀

And ask me anything else you want help with.

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