[needadvice]

Hi April.

You told me in a shorter email to question her about it. I have and she just changes the subject after she says you know I wouldn’t do that. Now I just need to know what ya think to do. My Fiance Keeps saying ahe has never cheated but still makes joke all the time. Whenever i go to throw something away she makes a joke about what the receipt is for. Last night she said she had a bad dream that I walked out on her. I don’t understand why she thinks I am going to leave her. We are great together when she is not startting arguments or accusing me of not loving her or doing something bad. she still makes the comment about wanting to get married cause it will be harder for me to leave her. I have told her hundreds of times that the only way I would leave her is if she has cheated or cheats. She still says that she thinks I wont leave her if she cheats on me. I tell her that is unforgivable and I would and she still says wanna bet and when I ask her she makes a joke laughs and says now do you really think I would do that or You know I wouldn’t do that to you. She still likes to make jokes about cheating and having a boyfriend like she is telling me about it and when I do it back she gets mad. When I ask her about cheating on me after she jokes around she will never answer that she didn’t she just says now when would I have time and you know I wouldn’t do that to you. I really try to chalk it up to her ex husband cheating on her but I am really starting to question. You think it is just me. I am starting to think she has and wished she hadn’t and knows that if I find out I will leave her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry — I answer so many reader questions that if you don’t link your current response or follow up to the original question, it’s really tough for me to figure out what you’re talking about. Please take the time to find your original question, and link your current response to it. I’d love to help you — so make it easier for me! 😆

[needadvice]

Sorry April,

Here was my question:
what does it mean when she says she cant wait to marry me cause it would be harder for me to leave her? Does she really want to marry me or has she done something and regrets it and thinks if we are married I wont leave her?

Your response:
It’s a weird thing for someone to say because it telegraphs a fear of being abandoned. If she thinks you’re going to leave her, and that marrying her will make it more difficult for you to do so, you’re dating someone with some baggage that needs to be addressed. Basically, she’s saying that marriage will be a trap for you that will be harder for you to get out of than a normal relationship without legal ties. If I were you, I’d be very wary of matrimony.

Ask your girlfriend to explain more what she means by what she said, and also tell her, point blank, that you really don’t want to marry anyone who’s going to “trap” you in a legal arrangement that will be hard for you to disengage from. Explore her reasons for saying this, and be brutally honest with her about your fears that get stirred up by this message she’s sending you.

You need further clarification from her….and if I were you, I’d steer clear of any jewelry stores that sell engagement rings. This isn’t a good scenario for you right now.

Let me know what happens.
We are already engaged. We got engaged in October. I forgot to tell you that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’ve put your finger on a problem in your relationship that may turn out to be the tip of the iceberg of something that could end the relationship. Your instincts are that there’s a deeper problem here. I believe your instincts are correct, based on what you’ve told me.

Your fiance’s refusal to answer your questions or meet your needs to know why she keeps bringing up cheating, are enough of a flashing yellow light for you to call off the engagement until this issue is resolved. She’s pulling a power play on you by teasing you about her cheating and taunting you with comments about how you’ll never leave her if she does, once you’re married. When you ask her for clarification, she refuses to discuss the subject, and this leaves you in the victim position. This is not a good dynamic from which to start a marriage.

So, my suggestion is to call off the engagement and explain to her that this issue is too important to you to sweep under the rug, and her refusal to talk further and deeply to you about it, especially since you’ve articulated that cheating is a deal breaker in a marriage for you and her insensitive response that she’d like to bet you on it, is reason for you to not want to proceed with the marriage at this time.

If you don’t deal with this problem now, you’re going to go into a marriage on shaky footing, and if she does cheat on you, you’ll kick yourself for having not taken my advice earlier. Ending a marriage is not the end of the world, but it’s upsetting, expensive, time consuming, draining and a lot of other negatives, that you can avoid by doing the necessary work now.

I hope that helps!

[Member]

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