[jdw]

I am in a long term relationship with my partner whos is also the father to my 2 young boys. we went through a rough patch when my oldest son was about 7 months old which caused him to move out for a few months. He saw his son everyday and we were “trying” to get through things together.
Unbeknownst to me at the time he was sleeping with somebody else, and then after hed finished with her he moved on to somebody else who he didn’t sleep with but other stuff happened and he was acting as if he were in a relationship with her. He was gone for 4 months and it all happened in that time. I first had a feeling something was going on when he was visiting his son one day ( well I say that, it was so complicated at the time and ill explain further in a minute) a message came through on his phone and I shouted him to tell him and then I went to open it, I saw a girls name and that’s when he came on and slatted his phone up the wall and it broke. ( that screamed to me that he had something to hide but because of his temper at the time I didn’t say anything more about it )..

When he was away, he did give me maintenance for my son but he was coming round eating here, leaving me his dirty washing and expecting it to be dried and ironed for when he wanted it. showering here, still expecting me to do all of his running around for him e.t.c..

Moving on, when we got back together just before my sons 1st birthday I asked him one night about that message.. I made out that I didn’t care what it was which might have been wrong of me but I just thought I deserved the truth as in my eyes we were still together at that time so its cheating. we were still sleeping together and he was still telling me he loved me. plus we never officially split up.

soo.. he told me that he used to text her, it was his friends cousin. there was nothing in it they were just friends. I kept asking him questions and he said they did put kisses to each other “more than 10” that might sound like im being ridiculous to some people but hes supposed to be in a relationship so he shouldn’t be putting any kisses to other females unless theyre his family and since when do you put that many kisses to friends anyway??

so I took it upon myself to message her on facebook to get the truth because I do deserve that at least, I told him id done it and he had me blocking her because “it would just cause a lot of trouble”… I left it for a few months and the more I thought about it I realised that there would only be one reason that he didn’t want me messaging her (He was obviously lying about something) so I unblocked her and messaged her again. she replied and told me that they had kissed amongst a few other things and that basically they were planning a future together. luckily for me she had print screened messages hed sent her so when it came to confronting him about it I had got proof and he couldn’t just fob me off with another excuse. hed told her he loved her (hed only known her for about a month if that) he was saying all the things hed always said to me..

In all honesty it had hurt me a lot more that he was telling her he loved her and all that, it made me feel completely worthless. A month down the line ( I just had a gut feeling that there was someone else, and im usually right) I was in the shower and I said to him have you slept with anyone and he flipped out. so I knew then that he had otherwise there would have been no reason to react the way he did… (the longer its gone on and the longer ive been with him ive learnt what he does when hes lying and how he reacts if I catch him out) it was a weekend and we were meant to be visiting his sister cause he was off work but I decided to stay at home after our argument and he went on his own, I said to him before he went ” just have a think about it and if you’ve got anything to tell me please do, we can work it out.. but if you don’t tell me if there is something to tell and I find out in the future about it I wont stay with you”…

Later on when he came back he told me hed slept with this girl, His mates sister.. I know who she is so I messaged her because what he was telling me didn’t add up.. he said it just happened the once.. it was really awkward then he just left.
.. she told me it was twice amongst everything else they did together.. they also had like a fling going on it wasn’t just sex and he just kept lying to me about things literally about 20 times hed tell me whatever it was to do with it and then id ask her and hed lied again..

I understand he was ashamed and maybe he did just want to forget about it and move on with us but.. I didn’t jump into bed with anyone during that time I was completely devoted to him and trying to make our family work. and on top of that I was willing to move on from it I just wanted the truth (I believe I deserved that)

something that did really bother me though was I got pregnant quite quick after we got back together and I didn’t find out until after that they didn’t use anything and she told me that aswell.. which he admitted to after she told me. so he could have caught anything and given it to me and the baby

– that was all back in 2013 ..
it took me a few months and although it still bothers me now, ive been able to move past it and get on with out life ( + without making excuses for him I put it down to the circumstance at the time his head was all over the place and they were mistakes)

then came the watching porn.. some people don’t mind it but I do. and he knows that im conscious about my body after having children and I don’t like the fact hes getting off to other women anyway. plus hes searching for particular things and particular people which really bothers me. it just makes me feel like im not enough.
hes only ever turned me down for sex a few times when hes had a hard days graft and is tired and that’s fair enough.. but I normally will have sex with him whenever he wants we can have it up to 3 times a day and I felt like he just stopped trying it on with me and then id find that hed been watching porn.

at first he didn’t know how to delete the history but he asked me to show him how and promised he wouldn’t watch porn again. so I did and then id find out other ways like the search history on porn hub e.t.c … I was in tears each time I found it and hed say how sorry he was and hed never do it again ” I swear on your life” and all this.. he was even on about one time how someone else watches it .. he never would its as good as cheating. I even walked in on him one night watching it and he still continued to do it after that

then this year in april he had a new phone and its got fingerprint unlocking, theres a back up password though and he said what shall I put so I gave a few suggestions and he “used one” but he didn’t..

it might be wrong of me to snoop but when somebody has lied and deceived you as much as he has to me its hard not to. I don’t trust him at all. so I tried a few hed put in the past and I got in… hed obviously fell asleep the night before on the sofa then when he woke up forgot to close down the pages .. it was on incognito mode (inprivate browsing) and he was on tagged. I didn’t even read the messages I just saw hed sent one to this girl. I went in and woke him up and we argued and he went mad at me and I asked him to sign back in so I could read them and he said hed forgot his password.. and I would leave hima nd he was crying but he signed in and I read them and he was speaking to about 20 different women then I realised hed created a new email to go with it so I got him to sign into that and he had signed up to loads of sites like f*ck buddy and all these other ones to meet people for sex.

I don’t understand why hes done it .. he told me it was just to see what people would say and he didn’t tell me because this is how I would go.. but what does he expect were supposed to be getting married and I cant trust him
..

since that things have been great but I cant get it all out of my head and I want us to work but im scared that its all going to happen again or it already is right under my nose but hes doing good at hiding it because hes had that much practice now and I wont find out. im scared of him leaving me..i love him to bits and I know if theres no trust then how can a relationship work … I just don’t know what to do..

does he even love me?
or is it just because weve been together a while and he cares for me?
does he fancy me anymore?

I feel so alone and I cant talk to anyone about it. I try and stay strong and just get on with things but its really dragging me down. and im turning into a person that I don’t want to be. before I got with him I was so confident and outgoing. now I barely leave the house (as gross as it sounds)- I get nervous poos at the thought of anykind of confrontation with anyone. I feel like im a shell of what I used to be.

its not just the cheating with him its the way he makes me feel telling me when we fall out that no one would want me with 2 kids if we split up ( and although that is the least of my worries because my children come first in every situation so I woukldnt be looking for another relationship anyway) it makes me feel like im not good enough. theres plenty of other stuff hes said to me but it embarrasses me just to say it

ill appreciate any advice anyone has got, thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

Just a few questions — if you can answer them, I can give you better advice. 🙂 I’ll look out for your responses.

How old are you both?

How long have you been together?

When did you get engaged? Do you have a wedding date?

How old are both boys? And does he have any other children?

[jdw]

I will be turning 21 in September he will be turning 21 next February.
we have been together for 4 years
we got engaged in 2012
we haven’t set a date yet, we have been saving for our wedding and were hoping to set a date for late next year or early the year after
our oldest boy is turning 3 this august and our youngest boy is turning 1 next month
he doesn’t have any other children

we have previously been boyfriend and girlfriend when we were 13, so I have known him a long time and he was always the funny nice guy. it ended back then because we were both immature and children still but when we got together when we started college at 16 I honestly didn’t think he is the guy that hes turned out to be and I would have trusted him with my life. never in a million years would I have thought he would have been unfaithful.. hes never had many girlfriends and nothing serious before we got together.
he also had a rough child hood, his father died when he was 7 and his mother just didn’t take care of him and his siblings. which meant he needed to be removed and his elder sisters had him living with them..
they had children of their own though and he feels and what I can gather from what ive been told.. he was sort of never the “child” in any situation no one would care enough.. hes never been like the main priority.

I know deep down hes a good person but I don’t know whether he never formed a proper bond and he cant now? weve talked about things time and time again and this might sound strange but he said he thinks maybe subconsciously he thinks of me like a mother figure although he loves me as his girlfriend and sees me that way.. because im caring and do anything I can for him he takes that to his advantage and thinks ill never up and leave..

I also grew up with my grandparents. we moved in together at 17, we live on our own with our two boys and he works and were financially stable.

I know everything happened so quick between us and I was ready to settle down and maybe he wasn’t.. and he struggled to cope with our first. I did everything we have no help off anyone else and only in the last year has their bond together got strong. and that’s why ( im not making excuses but when he slept with that girl and with the other girl ) I put it down to circumstances and forgave him.

im struggling now though because from the start with our second he could have been a better daddy and you can tell by how they are together. everything was perfect wed never been getting on together better ( I thought we were so happy)

the porn situation has been going on a long time and I hate it, he knows that but I think he thinks what I don’t know wont hurt me but ive caught him out that many times that even if it isn’t going on anymore ive convinced myself it must be because why would he just stop..
(that isn’t something id ever leave him over) but if there was something he didn’t like me doing I wouldn’t do it

we went on holiday in February and while we were there I miscarried, we knew I was pregnant and they said I was 5 weeks gone. a month and a half later that’s when he started talking to other girls.

as far as im aware he hasn’t done anything since, but I cant get it out of my head. im willing to forgive and forget and I never bring anything up anymore. but I I cant forget and move on unless I can trust him and I just don’t know how to anymore

thanks april.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it — thank you for filling me in. The extra information helps a lot. 🙂

So, you’re both 20 years old with a newborn and a 2 year old, and you’ve been with your “fiancee” for 4 years now. What’s really going on here is that you are a single mom with a boyfriend who’s playing the field and looking at porn, when you’d rather he act like a committed husband. You’re also afraid of being alone because, as you say, who would want you with 2 kids. 😳 I know this is going to be difficult for you to hear, so buckle up (it gets better…. 😉 ): You’re trying to control him because you feel that your own life is a little bit (a lot?) out of control. This isn’t really about him as much as it is about you.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Accept reality. This isn’t really your fiancee — I’m guessing there’s no ring. I know there’s no date, and he cheats on you. So, call it what it is so you can make some smart decisions from a realistic viewpoint. He’s the father of your children and the two of you have an up and down, long-term relationship. But he’s not into marriage.

2. Get over the idea that nobody will want you. You’ve been very involved with this guy and trying to make it work for a long time. I’m guessing you’re cute, and you’re a good mother, and you probably have a job and you’re kind and interesting. Lots of men marry single mothers. It happens all the time — ALL the time. You have to face your fear because it’s holding you back from making good choices.

3. It may be time for a heart to heart — especially since you’ve known this guy since you were both 13 and grew up together. What’s healthy for you and your children may not be what’s best for him — and vice versa. From his point of view, you’re his anchor. You’re the mother of his children and you’re running a home, and if he can keep you around, and play around on the side, he will. He’s a young man. He’s hormonal. He doesn’t want to be married because if he did, you would have gone to City Hall and gotten married. It’s not expensive. A wedding party can come at any time at any budget. Time to let go of that dream because it doesn’t sound like it’s realistic. In addition, what he wants is not in your best interest. As much as you want to control your home life and make him into a loyal husband and father, you can’t control him. It may be healthier for you to be a single mother and accept that you’re single. That means living on your own with the kids, or a family member, or friend — depending on your financial circumstances.

4. When you’re living as a single mother, you’ll be able to focus all that energy you’re wasting on 2 years of his cheating on you (that you know about), on your children, yourself and making a nice home for the 3 of you. Hopefully, he’ll pay child support and see his kids and help you out with them, but sometimes this type of arrangement is better than pretending there’s going to be a marriage, to a man who cheats on you, and that keeps you from seeing a clear future for yourself. 😉

I hope that helps.

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