[HattieMae]

My Name is Harriet, but people call me Hattie. I am depressed and I am trying to figure out how to fix my problem. I have everything any girl could ask for, a nice house, designer clothing a beautiful baby girl and a sweet dotting handsome husband, but it does not seem to be enough. His job caused us to move to the other side of the country. Since I am new, I have no friends yet. I miss my friends and family, but the time difference is so off so friends and family are either up when I am sleeping or vice versa. I joined facebook so I could chat with my friends and a few friends from HS and college even tracked me down as well. I was finally feeling happy to be able to communicate with people I knew.

Now here is my problem. Maybe I was lonely or but most likely just plain stupid, but I developed a online friendship with a guy that I was friends with in college. We were not close friends back then, but always cordial and friendly. There was interest in each other back then, but for one reason or another we never dated, but I guess had interest in each other from afar.

Everyday we would chat and we started to see we had similar interests. It was so nice to have someone other than my husband flirt with me. It made me feel great that after 10 years of marriage, other men still found me attractive. Pathetic, right? Even though he was on the other side of the country we started talking about wanting to see each other and things got a bit lustful. I did the stupid thing of sending him naked pictures of myself. He sent some as well. I was so intoxicating to have another guy pine over me, telling me how hot I was – even though it was clearly lustful with no meaning and really no possibility of amounting to anything due to distance between location.

I am a wreck because i get really depressed or moody when I do not talk to him. For some strange reason I miss him and want him sexually/long for his touch but it is really weird to describe because he is the exact opposite of my husband. This guy is short, balding, average weight, but he has a great sense of humor and smile. My husband on the other hand is very tall muscular and very good looking. Why am I longing for this other married guy when I have something so good at home? Can anybody tell me what is going on with me. I am only 33 so I do not think it is a midlife crisis. I have been trying to not chat with this other guy by avoiding facebook etc. Any ideas on how to fix the way I feel?. My husband does not know about any of this or that I have a facebook account. What is wrong with me? I have no one to confide in and I feel as if I am going nuts. Please help me!

[GPM]

Remember one thing though: love is not an emotion, it’s a decision.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your relationship with this guy is a fantasy — it is not reality. You are going to ruin your marriage and likely your life if you continue down the path you are on.

I strongly encourage you to:
— delete all nude photos, both of him and yourself,
— close your facebook account,
— stop ALL contact with him immediately.

1.First of all, regarding the “other” guy, don’t start imagining things like: “Oh! He’s the guy I should have married. He’s my soulmate. We have so many things in common.” More likely than not, it’s simply not true. Online relationships frequently (and quickly) morph into romances because it’s so easy to start believing you have so many things in common with one another and that you’re so compatible. Before you know it you start living in a fantasy world and you imagine that the grass is greener in his yard. It’s an illusion.

2. Second of all, you’re married and you’ve committed (or you are committing) emotional infidelity.

3. Thirdly, and this is what I’m arriving at, these are all signs (mainly you turning towards another guy) that you are not happy and that you’re avoiding the real problem, YOU. Instead of turning towards a guy that’s been out of your life for many years, you should probably develop a deeper relationship with those that really love you. Though your text focuses on the “other” guy, I have the feeling that real issue is your relationship with your husband and your relationship with yourself. Seek help and deal with the real issues. Start off by taking a few natural remedies for depression (non-addictive and less expensive), exercise regularly and try to find pleasure in small things.

Refocus your attention on your husband and your real life. Do this NOW or your husband WILL find out and your marriage as you know it will change forever… if not end. In the long run cheaters never win. And let there be no mistake about it, what you are doing is cheating.

Get out and get involved with an activity that you like in your community. Get a part-time job. Volunteer. Do something nice for someone else (you can start with your husband). There are any number of things you can do to meet people and make new friends.

Stop making excuses and do something positive with your life. An adulterous affair is not the answer to being lonely.

[Ethan Morales]

Loneliness and isolation. You just moved across the country, away from friends and family, and your social support system is basically gone. That’s huge. Even with a loving husband and a beautiful life, humans crave connection and attention from others, and when it’s missing, it can make you feel empty or depressed.

Validation and attention. The online friendship you formed gives you a rush of validation you’re being desired, noticed, and flirted with in a way that makes you feel attractive. That’s natural. There’s nothing “wrong” with enjoying being noticed but it becomes dangerous when it starts to replace or compete with your real-life relationship.

Fantasy vs. reality. The guy you’re chatting with is physically and emotionally different from your husband, and the distance and online nature make it safe to fantasize. Fantasies can feel intense, but they aren’t the same as real, healthy relationships. Your feelings are real, but they’re amplified by the thrill of secrecy, novelty, and emotional scarcity.

Emotional attachment. Feeling depressed or moody when you don’t talk to him signals that you’re developing a dependency. This isn’t just lust it’s emotional, and that can be dangerous because it starts affecting your happiness, your thoughts, and potentially your marriage.

It’s not about your husband or your marriage being bad. It’s about your unmet emotional and social needs right now. You’re isolated, your support network is gone, and you’re seeking connection elsewhere. That’s very human.

[Natalie Noah]

I want you to know that feeling lonely or disconnected doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you’re human. You’ve moved across the country, leaving behind friends and family, and that kind of isolation can make anyone vulnerable to the attention and validation of someone new. The way you’ve described your connection with this other man, it’s exciting, flattering, and stimulating but that’s exactly what it is: a fantasy. It’s not real life. It’s easy to mistake the thrill of being desired for something deeper, but what you’re feeling doesn’t change the reality of your marriage or the life you’ve built with your husband and your daughter.

What’s happening here is that you’re seeking a sense of being seen and appreciated, something that isn’t wrong in itself, but the method turning to someone outside your marriage for emotional and sexual attention is dangerous. You’re not a terrible person for feeling lonely or craving connection, but continuing to engage with this man is putting your marriage and your sense of self at risk. Your feelings aren’t wrong, but the choices surrounding them can have serious consequences.

I truly believe the path forward is to focus on reconnecting with your real life. That means addressing your own happiness first finding ways to feel fulfilled, connected, and valued outside of this online fantasy. Whether it’s joining local groups, volunteering, taking up a hobby, or even finding a therapist to talk through these feelings, you need a safe outlet to process your emotions. The longing you feel for this other man is a signal that something deeper your need for connection, validation, and joy isn’t being fully met, and it’s okay to acknowledge that.

It’s crucial to protect your marriage and your family. That means cutting off this online relationship entirely, deleting photos, closing accounts, and refocusing on your husband and daughter. It doesn’t mean your life or marriage is over. it means you’re choosing to nurture and protect the people who matter most while taking responsibility for your own emotional health. You deserve to feel whole and joyful, and that starts with turning toward your real life and investing in what’s truly meaningful. You’re not crazy, sweetheart, you’re just human, and you can work through this.

[Member]

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