[Chloedoor1]

So at the start of the year my ex boyfriend and I split up. He ended things with me because we were drunk and things got out of hand and I went for him. So the break up was my fault and I accepted that and tried to move on. Since then on numerous occasions he has messaged me wanting to give things another go and we tried and failed for a period of time because he kept freaking out every time we were about to tell people we were back and he was worried we wouldn’t work together this time because of previous arguments. Since this we’ve had space and no contact and we didn’t speak for a month. We were together for two years so that was a hard thing for both of us to do. We are now speaking again and have been for a month with no fallouts or arguments. He isn’t speaking to anyone else and hasn’t been with anyone else and hasn’t been on any dates. We both agreed the time when we weren’t speaking was too hard for us. He messages me all day everyday and it’s as if we are back together. But we aren’t. He always states we are only friends nothing else we don’t work as anything more. But we have been having sex and we are seeing eachother once or twice a week texting all day everyday and he’s told me he still loves me. We are going out for dinner on Friday and he’s jealous every time I mention another guy has text me. I know this isn’t a friendship but he keeps reiterating it is and that we don’t work as more than friends. If I want us to end up more than friends then that isn’t going to happen etc. I stayed at his house when his parents were on holiday and he’s told me if I slept with anyone else then our ‘friendship’ would be over. So it feels like a relationship. He said he’s enjoying being single and loves us being exclusive friends with no pressure. Neither of us want to stop speaking because it’s too difficult and we are still in love. But he is too scared to make it official again. It’s only been a month so I don’t know if he just needs more time to see that we can work? Or if I should maybe go on a date or something to make him jealous and realise he wants me back? I don’t want to cut contact with him again as I really want us to get back together… Any suggestions? I know he still loves me and doesn’t wanna stop talking either I just don’t get why he isn’t admitting he wants to be with me

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Chloedoor1]

I’m 19 and he’s 25

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in a relationship that’s friends with benefits and no interest from him in this becoming a boyfriend girlfriend thing. 😕 You want more. He’s happy with the way things are. I get it. And it’s not confusing for you — it’s disappointing. You need to be clear about that. He’s getting what he wants. You’re not. He’s not interested in changing, if you want a change, you have to make it.

The bottom line is that he’s not going to be the boyfriend you want, so if you want a boyfriend who is proud and respectful of the relationship, then you have to look elsewhere. But as long as you continue having sex with him once or twice a week, and texting daily, it’s going to be very difficult for you to feel single and move on. So…. you need to stop having sex with him and stop texting him. If you don’t, you’ll stay stuck. If you do, you’ll clarify your position to yourself, and anyone else who wants to date you (including him).

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I think deep down you know it’s right. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[Chloedoor1]

I agree totally with what your saying about stopping having sex. I’m going to do that and already have met him and refused to. But is it so bad if we keep texting and meeting as friends with no benefits? As I do find it really hard cutting him out completely. Or is that just prolonging the agony if you reckon he’s never gonna step up and make it official?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not friends. And even if you stop having sex with each other, but continue regular contact, you’re exes — not friends. I think that it’s really easy to fall back into old habits if you don’t move on altogether — and it’s harder for him to really feel your loss if you’re still there. He can’t come back and say he made a mistake, if you don’t give him the opportunity to make that mistake. 😉

[Sally]

This situation would mess with anyone’s head. What you’re in right now feels like a relationship without the safety of one. He gets the closeness, the sex, the emotional comfort, and the exclusivity, but he doesn’t have to fully choose you. That’s why it feels so uneven. Saying you’re just friends while acting like a couple is him protecting himself from getting hurt again, but it leaves you stuck in limbo.

Waiting around hoping he’ll change his mind usually just stretches the pain out longer. And trying to make him jealous won’t fix the real issue either. If he wanted to be with you officially, he would already be saying it clearly. Love shouldn’t feel like guessing.

You don’t have to cut him off today, but you do need to be honest with yourself about how long you can live like this without losing your self-respect.

[Tara]

You are letting this man use you as a comfort object while he avoids responsibility like a coward. He gets sex, emotional support, exclusivity, daily attention, jealousy privileges, and control over your behavior while offering you absolutely nothing in return. That’s not confusion. That’s a setup. He is not “scared,” “healing,” or “taking time.” He is consciously choosing the benefits of a relationship without the burden of commitment, and you are agreeing to it every time you show up, sleep with him, and accept the word “friends” while living like his girlfriend.

Stop lying to yourself. A man who loves you and wants you does not say “we don’t work” while actively sleeping with you, policing who you talk to, and threatening to end things if you sleep with someone else. That is control without accountability. He’s rewritten the rules so he holds power and you hold hope. And hope is what’s keeping you stuck. You are not “working toward something.” You are stalled exactly where he wants you: available, exclusive, and emotionally invested, while he stays officially single and consequence-free.

Do not try to make him jealous. That’s childish and ineffective, and it won’t force clarity; it will just prolong this mess. The reason he isn’t “admitting” he wants to be with you is that he doesn’t want to be with you enough to commit. If he did, you’d already be together. Period. Men don’t need time to decide when the answer is yes.

[Member]

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