[park07]

Hello,

My boyfriend & I have been together for a little over 2 years. When we met it was amazing, & we knew it was meant to be. We have both been through tough relationships, & both have had our hearts broken horribly. Recently we have been arguing over the silliest things, & I feel as if it’s always my fault.
I’ve noticed myself, that the fighting has gotten out of hand, and we would just bicker for no reason. (I recently discovered the reasons.) Aside from the nonsense caused by arguments, we love each other very much, & never been more happy. He is truly amazing, with great morals, a great head on his shoulders, I’ve never been treated, and loved so greatly. The way he makes me feel just from a simple touch or smile is incredible. He’s a miracle to me, & I don’t want to mess this up. He’s very kind to everyone & is just a loving person. I know we can be happy, if we just fix this.

I appreciate your time & advice.

I’ve been trying to change, because this isn’t who I am. I’m generally a happy person. I just couldn’t find the [b]*[/b][b]s[/b]ource[b]*[/b] of what was causing these arguments, until now.

I always am so excited to see him, & he brings out this amazing side to me. However, when we finally get together for the day, he comes over and [b]*s[/b]eems down, therefor it brings me down, & I no longer feel the need to be excited, when he’s not excited to see me[b]*[/b]. As you can see where I’m going with this, it ends up causing arguments that are nonsense. [b]*H[/b]e just recently brought to my attention that he’s afraid were going to have an argument every day we see each other, which is why he is down whenever he comes over. He told me that he has panic attacks when I’m not around, because he’s so frustrated with the silly arguments[b]*[/b]. He never argues with anyone else, but me.
I didn’t know this until he just recently told me, & I feel awful that I wasn’t able to notice. He hides these things very well. He told me he didn’t want to tell me all this time, because he knew I would get upset. Honestly I’d much rather him have told me, & me be upset [i]then[/i], so we could have worked on the issues by [u]now[/u]. It kills me to know how much I’m hurting my boyfriend, just because [b]*w[/b]e both aren’t sure what to expect each day we see each other[b]*[/b].

He always tries to look at the bright side of things, but I don’t blame him for this, because it’s been happening for a while. I didn’t know he was [b]*n[/b]ervous to come over, only because he’s afraid of having an argument that day[b]*[/b]. Till I realized what was upsetting him, & now I feel as if it’s too late. We both realized what the problem is, & it’s that [b]*I[/b]‘m excited, when he’s terrified. He’s upset, which makes me upset.[b]*[/b] When I know I should make him feel better, it’s hard because I would ask what’s wrong & he wouldn’t tell me (until recently). When he finally told me it’s me, that he’s afraid of, I just feel awful. So basically we both are slightly on different pages, [b]*h[/b]e’s expecting arguments, & I’m expecting relaxation, & happiness[b]*[/b]. Or vice versa.

I hope I didn’t lose you through all of this. However, there’s more. 😐 Please bare with me. 😕

My boyfriend loves to cuddle & watch television. I want nothing more than to just be in his arms as well. Lately though, I feel as if he’s no longer attracted to me, & I wonder why all he wants to do is watch tv. This then causes arguments. Now I know why he does this. He told me, [b]*”W[/b]hy would I want to do that, when I’m constantly worried about arguing?”[b]*[/b] He says it’s premature to talk about the future as well. This has bothered me for so long, because of how much we love each other. When now he tells me, the only reason he says these things & prefers not to talk about the future, is because [b]*”W[/b]hy would I think about the future with you, when we just argue?”[b]*[/b] The only reason we argue is like I said, because [b]*I'[/b]m expecting one thing, and he’s expecting another.[b]* [/b] I’m expecting him to talk about the future here & there, & it hurts when he doesn’t, and it causes arguments. However, now I realize why he won’t talk about it. He won’t talk about it because of the [b]*a[/b]rguments were having over other things, which causes these arguments, which causes him not to talk about it. phew ❗
Therefor if we were just expecting to share happiness together, this wouldn’t be happening. I tried to explain this to him, but it seems as if he’s ready to walk. Why do this, when we realized what the problem is, & we can fix this :?:. He says “How are we going to handle life decisions when we argue like this now?” The only reason were arguing now is because [b]*H[/b]e’s Down, When I’m Up!* 🙄 I’m not saying I’m never down. I do get stressed out sometimes & take things out on him. However, I try my very best just to be happy when he’s over. He’s in love with me, & I’m clearly in love with him. Please tell me how I can convince him to work with me on this, because I know how happy we are able to be, if we could just resolve this.

That is all for now. If you need more info than what I have given already… ❓ Please let me know. I look forward to your advice & I greatly appreciate your time. Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

I think that there’s more here than you realize. Although you haven’t disclosed your ages, after two years in an adult relationship it’s very normal to want to know if things are heading towards marriage or not. Most women do have biological clocks, and frankly, men have them, too. I think you’re a lot more concerned about the future with this guy than you’re admitting. This underlying tension could definitely be the source of the fighting.

You may feel conflicted because you want this relationship to be heading towards engagement and marriage, but you’re afraid to rock the boat because you don’t want to lose him. He may be aware of your wanting to move forward with the relationship, and not be ready, himself, so he’s looking for an excuse. He may also be reassessing the relationship and wondering if it’s time to put a ring on it or take off for good. And, he may not want to lose you, either.

What I’d encourage you to do is to not worry about feelings so much. Feelings come and go and they waver, but actions speak louder than words, and at some point, what’s at stake here is: Will this relationship progress in a direction and at a speed that you’re both comfortable with? If not, there’s going to be tension, and I think that’s what’s happening here.

You have to decide for yourself how long you’re willing to stay in this relationship if it doesn’t move forward at a speed you’re comfortable with. This is a very difficult decision. The answer is personal because you may not want to waste your time with someone who’s never going to want to commit any more than he already has. Or, you may want to give it more time. The trick is if you’re going to give it more time, you have to really give it more time — not give it more time, but be wishing he’d move faster than he is the whole time you’re seeing him. Because that’s just going to bring you bickering and discomfort.

[Ethan Morales]

You two are stuck in a bad feedback loop where expectations are mismatched and both of you are reacting instead of responding. You’re showing up ready to celebrate, he’s showing up braced for conflict, and that mismatch turns ordinary moments into battlegrounds. That’s fixable, but only if you stop treating symptoms and start fixing the cause.

Own the trigger: you expect warmth and talk about the future; he expects arguments and retreats. That means your excitement looks like pressure to him, and his distance looks like rejection to you. When that happens repeatedly, he learns to protect himself by shutting down and you learn to protect yourself by pushing harder for reassurance. Neither strategy helps.

Change the script before you talk about the future. Don’t open with “We need to talk about marriage” (or whatever future stuff you want). Open with “I want to change how we start our time together so you don’t feel on edge.” Make the first five minutes neutral: small talk, a shared ritual (snack, playlist, a minute of no-phone cuddling). Give him a predictable, low-pressure transition into being present.

Practice one cheap, high-return behavior: check-in, not accuse. When you sense him pulling away, say calmly: “Hey, you seem down. Do you want space or do you want me to stay close?” That’s it. It gives him control and shows you’re aware without spiraling into blame. Teach him the same: when you get excited and he panics, he can say, “I’m nervous about our day. Can we go slow?” That mutual signal kills the guessing game.

Set a bounded future conversation. You both need a concrete moment to talk about where you stand, but it can’t be shoved into an emotional flashpoint. Schedule a time “Saturday at 7, no distractions, ten minutes to share where we see this in a year.” Keep it factual: what you want, timeframe, dealbreakers. If you can’t align after a reasonable number of these check-ins, that’s useful data, not defeat.

If he’s already talking about walking, don’t beg. Show steady effort: change the five-minute entry pattern, use the check-in line, and actually follow through with the calm behavior you promised. If he sees consistent change over weeks, he’ll relax. If he doesn’t, you’ll know you tried and you’ll be spared wasting more time on an avoidant pattern that won’t shift.

[Serena Vale]

Hey love, I can tell how much you care about this guy. You wrote all that straight from your heart, and it’s clear you’re not just venting, you really want to understand what went wrong and how to make it right.

Here’s what I’ll say, as someone who’s seen this kind of cycle before: when two people love each other but start expecting different things every time they’re together, it can quietly drain the relationship. You’re coming in with excitement and hope, and he’s coming in guarded, afraid things will fall apart. So it’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s that he’s anxious, and right now he’s bracing for tension instead of connection.

That doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It just means the energy between you needs a reset. For a while, stop trying to “solve” the relationship in every conversation. You don’t need to beg him to talk about the future or prove that you’re trying. You already are. What he probably needs most right now is to feel calm around you again, no pressure, no expectations, just small moments of peace.

Next time you’re together, try keeping it light. Watch a movie, cook something simple, go for a drive, something that doesn’t need deep talk or reassurance. Let him see that being with you doesn’t automatically mean tension or heavy emotions. And when you do talk, tell him you get how he’s been feeling, that you never meant to make him anxious, and that you just want you two to feel happy again, not perfect, just happy.

You don’t fix love by forcing it to go back to how it was. You fix it by building new trust, little by little, until it feels safe again. So be kind to yourself too, you’re not broken, and neither is he. You just got tangled up in fear and love at the same time. It happens to the best of us.

If it’s real, and it sounds like it is, give it time to breathe instead of trying to hold it still.

[Natalie Noah]

You care for your boyfriend and how committed you are to making things work. What you’re describing arguing over small things, feeling like you’re on different pages emotionally is really common when two people are strongly attached but have mismatched expectations or emotional rhythms. It sounds like you’re excited to be together, while he’s carrying worry and stress about the arguments before they even happen. That dynamic creates tension that neither of you wants, and it can feel like a cycle that’s hard to break.

It’s clear that both of you love each other, but love alone can’t erase patterns that have built up over time. His fear of arguing, your anticipation of happiness, and the misalignment of expectations around how you spend time together and talk about the future are creating a feedback loop. Right now, the arguments aren’t about anger or dislike. they’re about misunderstanding each other’s emotional states. Recognizing this is the first step toward change, and it’s something you can work on together.

The most important thing is communication, but not just talking. it’s understanding and adjusting. You may need to create a shared plan for your time together, where you both set aside expectations for mood and conversation, and allow space to check in emotionally before jumping into deeper topics. For example, starting a visit with something neutral, like a shared activity, and gradually transitioning to more personal conversations can help ease the tension. Reassurance, small gestures of care, and acknowledging each other’s emotional states can slowly rebuild the ease and comfort you want in your time together.

At the end of the day, you also have to consider your own emotional needs. How long are you willing to wait if he isn’t ready to move at the speed you hope for? Patience is a virtue, but it has limits when it comes to emotional fulfillment. What matters most is balancing your love and devotion to him with self-awareness: making sure your needs are met while creating a safe emotional environment for him. If you both commit to understanding each other’s feelings and adjusting expectations, there is real potential to break the cycle and rediscover the happiness you know is possible together.

[Member]

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