[sue26]

Hi im a relationship and am due to get married in a few months. I have know for a while my fiance watches a fair bit of porn and we have talked about it. He insists its just like a fantasy thing and doesnt change how he feels about me in anyway. But recently have notised on my computer he has going on affair chatrooms looking for some discreat fun. Im worried about this and not sure what to do if I bring it will he think im spying on him or do I just trust that this maybe a fantasy thing 2 and he really eont cheat. Thing is im going for a few days soon and have a horrible feeling he may do something. Help really need advise please 🙂 thanks

[bella1979]

This is purely my opinion but here goes … the porn is acceptable to some degree but chat rooms about indiscreet affairs?!?! Seriously … does this sit ok with you when you’re about to get married?? I know it would make me sick in the stomach … but that’s just me.

If it doesn’t feel right then let it be known. Talk to him and see where that goes 🙂

[crazed-driver]

Its ok for him to watch it as long as he’s not neglecting you in the meantime. As for the other thing, You’re not spying on him as it was on your computer in the first place, not his, if you went through his personaly property, then its a different story. But what hes more or less saying sounds a bit like this. “You’re a very attractive woman and I love you. But I’ve seen some women out in town that I want to sleep with.”

[kitkat620]

the porn is one thing, for me, that would bother me. but going online onto sites that offer discreet online affairs? NO! that is crossing the line. you should think long and hard if you really want to be with this dishonest person. that is no way to start a new relationship let alone a marriage.

you are not spying on him considering he went on these sites on YOUR computer. you have every right to question him about his intentions, but don’t expect the truth. sorry, but he will cheat. i have been with a cheater for 20 plus years and it does not end. sorry to be so blunt, but you need to cancel your wedding NOW!

good luck.

[crazed-driver]

[quote=”kitkat620″]the porn is one thing, for me, that would bother me. but going online onto sites that offer discreet online affairs? NO! that is crossing the line. you should think long and hard if you really want to be with this dishonest person. that is no way to start a new relationship let alone a marriage.

you are not spying on him considering he went on these sites on YOUR computer. you have every right to question him about his intentions, but don’t expect the truth. sorry, but he will cheat. i [color=#FF0000][b]have been with a cheater for 20 plus years and it does not end.[/b][/color] sorry to be so blunt, but you need to cancel your wedding NOW!

good luck.[/quote]

May sound a bit obvious here, but does that mean, you’ve stayed with a guy for 20 years, knowing that hes slept around on more than 1 occasion? 😕

[AskApril Masini]

Hey, [b]Sue26[/b]! It looks like you’ve posted the same question twice on this forum. I answered you already earlier, but since there seem to be so many new opinions here, I thought I’d chime in in response to them! 😀

I always say that a person’s actions speak louder than words, so if you notice him enjoying the way women look and it doesn’t affect your relationship or his own day to day life, it’s probably not a full on porn problem. However, when porn is the gateway to participating in “discreet” 🙄 chat rooms and eventual meeting up and cheating, porn isn’t the real problem. Betrayal and possible addiction to sex is.

Knowing your partner has a more serious issue, you have the choice to ask him or her to get help, and/or change his or her behavior. But if that partner doesn’t do either of those things, and you stay for 20 years in a victim situation, you become part of the problem, yourself. 😳

I hope that helps.

And I hope you’ll all join me on Facebook at AskApril.com on Facebook — here’s the link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Ethan Morales]

April’s response hits hard because she’s pointing out something people often don’t want to face when fantasy crosses into betrayal, it’s not just “a guy thing” anymore. Porn on its own, for many couples, can be tolerated or managed if it’s open, honest, and doesn’t replace emotional or sexual intimacy. But “affair chatrooms” that’s a step into emotional or potential physical cheating territory. That’s not just fantasy; that’s flirting with real-world betrayal.

If your fiancé is looking for “discreet fun” online, that’s an intentional action. He’s creating a secret life outside of your relationship, and that shows a lack of respect and self-control. The biggest problem here isn’t even the porn it’s the deception. Relationships survive a lot of things, but secrecy and dishonesty destroy trust faster than anything. If you can’t trust him while you’re away for a few days, that tells you the relationship doesn’t feel safe anymore and that needs to be addressed before marriage.

April’s right about something deeper, too: if you stay in denial or keep making excuses for his behavior, you’ll end up being part of the cycle. If you know it’s wrong and still go through with the wedding without resolution, you’re setting yourself up for years of hurt and doubt. This is your moment to draw a line not in anger, but with self-respect. You can love someone and still refuse to marry them until they deal with what’s clearly unhealthy behavior.

So, if I were you, I’d bring it up calmly, clearly, and without accusation. You don’t have to say how you know, just that you’ve seen enough to know he’s engaging in things that cross a line for you. Then tell him what you need to feel safe: honesty, boundaries, and proof that he’s committed to change. If he minimizes, deflects, or gets defensive that tells you everything you need to know about what kind of husband he’ll be. You’re not spying, you’re protecting your future. And that’s not paranoia that’s self-respect.

[Tara]

You’re standing on the edge of a marriage with a man who is already shopping for affairs before the wedding photos are even taken. Porn is one thing anonymous pixels don’t threaten a relationship. But actively entering affair chatrooms looking for “discreet fun” isn’t fantasy, it’s intent. People don’t browse cheating sites for entertainment; they’re looking to cheat. And the fact that your gut is already screaming at you is your brain trying to drag you out of denial.

You’re not “spying” on him. You stumbled on evidence that the man who’s supposed to vow loyalty to you is test-driving infidelity before the rings are even ordered. Bring it up not meekly, not apologetically, not with “maybe it’s fantasy,” but with the clarity of someone who refuses to marry a coward who’s already betraying her.

If he gets defensive, minimizes it, blames you, or tries to twist the narrative, that’s your answer. If you marry him anyway, you’re volunteering for a future of suspicion, anxiety, and eventual betrayal.

[Sally]

What he’s doing isn’t “just fantasy.” Porn is one thing lots of people watch it and stay faithful. But going into affair chatrooms and looking for “discreet fun”? That’s crossing a line. That’s not harmless curiosity. That’s him trying the door to see if it opens.

And you’re not spying. You live together. You saw something on your computer. If the roles were reversed, he’d take it seriously too.
The part that really matters here is how your body reacted that knot in your stomach, that fear he’ll cheat while you’re away. That feeling doesn’t come from nowhere. It comes from a part of you that already knows he’s not keeping you safe emotionally.

You don’t have to blow up, but you do need to talk to him. Calm, direct, no tiptoeing. Tell him what you saw, tell him how it made you feel, and tell him you can’t walk into a marriage with this hanging over your head.

If he gets defensive instead of honest, that tells you everything.

You deserve someone who’s fully in, not someone testing the waters behind your back.

[Member]

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