[BasketCaseCutie]

Dear April,
I am desperately seeking advice for a situation that none of my friends can relate to, and so I feel I have nowhere else to turn. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we’ve been dating for about 2 1/2 years. He is divorced with a 7 1/2 year old daughter who lives with her mother. She stays with us 2nights a week– one night during the middle of the week, spends the early afternoon through dinner on Saturdays, and then is back early afternoon Sundays and stays overnight. Of course, there are occasional extended stays. In the year that I have been living here (I first met her when she was 5 1/2) and trying to develop a relationship with his daughter, I can honestly say that I don’t like this kid. I know she’s only 7 1/2, and its not like she’s a demon child or anything. We do get along most of the time, but we aren’t even close to developing a strong relationship. The problem I have with her, which ultimately puts an enormous amount of stress on my relationship with her father, is that she is a total wise ass and is really disrespectful. I hate the snippy way she talks to her dad– it’s more about her tone or her shortness. He does occasionally call her on it, and he is firm with her when she’s really whiny or outwardly bratty but he often overlooks her lack of basic respect that I feel she owes him. Most of the time I think, “my parents would have NEVER let me talk to them that way.” At the first sign of her attitude (not usually directed at me), I shut down and just avoid being around them. I simply cannot spend time with them holding my tongue or shaking my head in disbelief the whole time, and so find the best way to deal with it is to just keep my distance and let them have their time together. He and I have talked about this problem in the past and he has said that if she ever says or does anything to upset me that I need to say something to her, and if it’s something else (not directed at me) that I should pull him aside and tell him. He sees my withdrawn attitude as doing more damage than good, and I agree but sometimes just can’t help it. We ran into the same issue the other day because we had dinner at a friends house and her attitude all night was irritating. I couldn’t really pull him aside because we were constantly in front of our hosts. Later at home, I turned down offers to do things with them (go for walks, play a board game) because I just didn’t want to be around them/her. We finally had about 2 minutes alone together when I was going to talk with him about it, but he got defensive before I even had a chance to explain, said I should have mentioned it sooner (true) and then said that if this is how I deal with kids, then us having any of our own wasn’t going to happen. As you can see, we have different methods of coping– I withdraw, he tends to say things off the top of his head that can be hurtful. I have started to lose hope that this relationship will work because of this little girl. We love each other dearly, and say it 100 times a day, but how do I deal with the awkward position I constantly find myself in when it comes to his relationship with his daughter? I have told him that I don’t want to tell him how to raise his child, and that I know that he doesn’t get to see her often as he would like and so is more likely to let things with her slide. But I often feel like he deserves to be with someone else who knows what she’s doing who can help him deal with this. What do I do?

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, you have to try and understand that your boyfriend only sees his daughter two nights a week. He probably really misses her and doesn’t want to discipline her on his precious time with her. Whether or not this is right is a different matter, but I’m trying to point this out to evoke some empathy on your part.

Second of all, it’s very hard to discipline a 7 year old when you have so little custody of her. Unless his ex-wife is on board for helping to discipline her, it’s almost impossible for him to do it himself because discipline requires consistency and he doesn’t have enough with this child with only 2 nights a week. Plus, if he tries to discipline her on that small custody time, he runs the risk of her not wanting to be with him and instead wanting to spend all her time at her mom’s house. This is a bad idea, but it happen often in joint custody situations.

Third, I would encourage you to encourage a sense of humor and use it! She’s seven. She’s not seventeen, and this is a tough situation. Instead of withdrawing, find a way to laugh. Be light. Have fun with her. Being a step mother is very tricky business, and requires letting go of your ideas about how things should be and instead figuring out how they can best be given the situation at hand.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 😀

[BasketCaseCutie]

That is such helpful advice. Thanks for putting it all into perspective. I will “try it out” and let you know how it goes. Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!

[BasketCaseCutie]

That is such helpful advice. Thank you for putting it all into better perspective. I will “try it out” and let you know how it goes. Thanks so much!!!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re welcome! 😀 Good luck. 😉

[Member]

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