[Samson]

Hi April, Quick back story. My wife of 17yrs cheated on me with more then one person, and the real stinger is she did not even bother to use protection. And yes, one of them was a long time “friend”. Anyway, we tried counseling, a separation for 6 months, but I stayed mainly for my daughter for about four years. I just could not forgive the betrayal, and the no protection thing really bothered me. I went and got tested for every STD/STI I could and luckily came back clean. It also really effected our sex life because despite trying all of the different advice, I could not stop picturing her with these guys when we would try to have sex.
So, I moved out in April, she started dating a guy she went to HS with almost immediately, I however am just now starting to feel like I might want to date. The problem is inside I feel so hollow. Over the years I have shut off a lot of emotions so I could coupe with my situation, and they don’t really seem to be firing back up again. So I guess what I am asking is do you think it would be healthier to force myself back in to the dating scene? Or waiting until I am a little more mentally ready to commit?

Thank you,

BTW, you two are the best!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve been through a lot, and it’s going to take time and your own specific process to heal. You mentioned that you moved out in April, but you didn’t mention whether or not you actually divorced. If you’re just separating because you’re considering reconciliation, it’s going to be harder to move on because you’re still reconsidering going back. If, however, you’re sure that you’re completely over the marriage and are ready to divorce, a legal divorce will give you closure. It will also make it easier for you to date women who want to be in a serious, committed relationship with you — if that’s what you want. For women who are dating you, even though you may feel single, and think you’re justified to act single, if you’re legally married, the fact is, you are married. That may limit your dating options. And finally, if you’re not divorced, and you begin dating — even though your wife is the one who cheated and appears to want the break up — your divorce proceedings may become rocky. Very often the person who seemed to want a divorce gets very upset when they see their ex dating and moving on, and they act out in the divorce proceedings, court proceedings and child custody and support proceedings. So, what I’m suggesting is that you get your ducks in a row, legally, as part of the healing process.

If and when you do, dating with your background probably requires taking baby steps and simply playing the field to enjoy the company of interesting, attractive women, and have some fun, before focusing on a commitment again.

I hope that helps.

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[Samson]

Thank you April, wise as always. We are not getting back together, but are still legally married for insurance reasons. But that will end soon as well. For now I plan to take your advice, just hope to meet someone with a brain and is okay with me being a little broken.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Keep your eye on the ball, and complete the divorce process, so you can date as a person who is truly single and available in every way — including legally. That will limit your complications with new women. And don’t look at yourself as broken — you’re not. You’re divorcing. (Worse things happen in life! 😉 )The trick is to find someone who is understanding and empathetic of your situation, and with whom you can feel the same way regarding whatever her situation is, as well.

Good luck! 🙂

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[Samson]

Thank you April. You are true lady, and I respect your advice deeply. I think you are right. Get the divorce over with ASAP, and date for a while. XOXO

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for your kind words. 🙂 I’m glad I could help.

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[Samson]

I need you to act as my liaison. You so called that one. I made the mistake of mentioning something about her new BF the other day, and she lost her shit!!! So time to pay the lawyers.

Good call, Thank you April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t know if I can be your liaison — but I can definitely be your relationship expert! 😀

Use the holidays as an impetus to wrap up business, if you know what I mean. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

What you’re experiencing is completely understandable. Seventeen years of marriage, compounded by betrayal and unsafe behavior, creates deep emotional trauma. Your emotional “hollowing out” isn’t unusual.. it’s your mind’s way of protecting you from further hurt. Pushing yourself prematurely into dating can backfire; you may go through the motions physically, but emotionally you won’t be ready to connect authentically. Healing and re-engaging emotionally need to happen first, at your own pace.

The legal and practical aspect matters a lot. If you’re still technically married, even if separated, dating can complicate your divorce, child custody, and any legal agreements. It’s not just about optics unresolved legal status can bring unnecessary stress, conflict, and emotional setbacks. Making sure your divorce is finalized or at least firmly in motion will give you clarity, closure, and the freedom to start dating without legal or moral ambiguity hanging over you.

When you’re ready, dating after a long, difficult relationship is best approached slowly. You don’t need to rush into a serious commitment. Casual dating, exploring connections, and enjoying social interactions can help you reconnect with your emotions, test your boundaries, and rebuild confidence. It’s not about “forcing” yourself into the dating scene, but rather gently reintroducing yourself to experiences that help you feel alive, engaged, and capable of intimacy again.

Your focus should be on your own healing and emotional readiness before seeking a serious relationship. Self-compassion and patience are critical here. Once you’re emotionally whole and legally clear, you can approach dating with curiosity and openness rather than pressure. When the time is right, you’ll naturally know when you’re ready to commit again and you’ll be far less likely to carry the shadow of past betrayals into a new relationship.

[Tara]

You don’t need to “force yourself” back into dating; you need to unfuck your emotional system first. Your wife didn’t just cheat; she detonated a bomb in your life, your trust, your sexuality, and your sense of safety. Seventeen years, multiple guys, no protection, and a “friend”? That’s not a crack in a marriage, that’s structural collapse. Of course, you shut your emotions down. Of course, you feel hollow. You spent years trying to sleep next to someone you couldn’t even picture without seeing her with someone else. Your brain went into survival mode, and survival mode doesn’t magically switch off because you finally moved out.

Meanwhile, she sprinted into a new relationship like she’s running a damn marathon because broken people often avoid accountability by diving headfirst into the next distraction. Don’t compare your healing timeline to hers. She’s not healed, she’s hiding.

You? You’re actually trying to rebuild yourself. And here’s the truth:
If you jump into dating right now, you’re just going to bleed all over some poor woman who didn’t cut you. You’ll be emotionally flat, disconnected, or hyper-guarded, and it’ll crash and burn anyway.

You’re not ready because you’re not healed, and healing isn’t optional; it’s the entry fee for your next relationship.
Get your emotional wiring unfrozen first. Therapy, hobbies, building a life that doesn’t revolve around trauma, anything that reconnects you to yourself as a human being, not a survivor. Once you feel alive again instead of numb, dating will make sense.
Right now?
Dating isn’t growth, it’s escape.
And you’ve had enough escapism from other people. Don’t do it to yourself too.
Heal first. Date later. Keep your self-respect always.

[Natalie Noah]

What your wife did was a profound betrayal, and the way you described feeling hollow and shut down makes perfect sense after carrying that pain for so long. You did the brave, practical things. you moved out, got tested, protected your daughter and those steps matter. Give yourself credit for surviving the worst of it; healing isn’t a straight line, and feeling numb now doesn’t mean you’re broken forever.

Practically speaking, finishing the divorce civilly and cleanly will remove a lot of the legal and emotional fog so you can date without complications. Before jumping into anything serious, let yourself relearn how to feel: see a therapist (trauma-informed if possible), try gentle social steps low-pressure outings, coffee with someone new, or group activities and don’t force “normal” on a timetable. When you do start meeting people, be honest but measured: you don’t have to unload the whole story on date one, but healthy transparency eventually saves everyone time and pain.

You will get some of your emotions back slowly, and often when you least expect them. Be patient and kind to yourself: good boundaries, consistent self-care, and support (friends, therapy, perhaps a men’s group) will soften this hollow place. When you feel ready, let curiosity not urgency or guilt, guide your dating. And if you want, I can help write a short, compassionate message you can use on a dating profile or a gentle script for a first low-stakes date.

[Member]

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