[Anonymous]

I am a sucessfull professional man, living away from my wife in another state working.
My roommate is a sucesfull single divorced woman. We are/were very close friends.

Just before the holidays, I hurt a very close friend of mine of 18months. She is a scorpio girl, and I an aries male (wfiw). We are room-mates. I rent a room, she owns the house. We are friends, nothing more. We have been confiding in eachother for some time. We share our feelings, our experiences, and ocassionally some food etc.
We have been very supportive of eachother. We are/were like borther & sister.
She shares her feelings about the men she dates, and her friends, and work. I share about my work, my failing marraige, friends and family and interests and travels. We are both very intellegent. We sometimes do/did some things together – shop or scocialize.

Anyway I hurt her feelings. I did something in the house without asking and overstepped my bounds. I ended up telling her that one of the reasons I did this was my comfort level and that I had an attraction.
Well, she has told me that she felt betrayed and is feeling mis-trust. I took responsibility and gave my appology, and told her I want to work this out. She has told me that she needs some time to process things and would rather I did not talk to her. All this via a few emails.

Well it’s been a month and I am still waiting for her to come out of her cave. I think she may be taking my comment about attraction too literally becasue I really only like her as a friend / sister. I did not persue her, but she indicated that knowing what she “knows” about the situation is a liability and wishes things were as they were “before”.
I think she’s taken the “attraction” comment too literally and may be questioning the whole relationship – but I don’t know this for sure. my mind is just running.
I have engaged a therapist to get me through my extreem anxiety over this. I totally under estimated the consequences of this situation.

Her lack of comunication eats at me daily. This is very difficult to deal with. It’s like a friend died, or I lost a spouse. I can’t believe the hurt. I know relationships with Scorpio are deep, and passionate, and that I am passionate as an aries (with a scorpio moon), but wow! When it was good it was good. but now that it is not… well I am re-defining emotional dynamic range. I have never had a viceral reaction to something for weeks on end since my first wife left me (that marraige interestingly lasted 18months, but that was 20 years ago.)

Do I continue to wait or should I try to communicate with this woman? My instinct is to lay my cards on the table – never to “go to bed angry” – all that sort of stuff. But I read alot about how Scorpio needs space and time. It’s been a month already! what is she waiting for?
I have been hurting like crazy for 3.5 of the last 4 weeks. Only in the last few days am I to the point where I don’t cry evry day, or feel like throwing up. I really miss her. I would really like to talk to her.
I cannot put into words how special the friendship was to me. I feel that perhaps to her also and maybe that’s why this is taking so long.

Any insight into this might help me. I’m torn between just giving time and space, and initiating communications. She has said she doesn’t want me to approach her, and our paths really don’t ever cross in the house as we both keep to ourselves in our own rooms. But email is accepted – but I don’t want to push it; the last response I got was short – hard to interpret but I sensed some anger. I’d like to send another but toil over crowding her.

The first week or two after the event she said denial was working for her – to get her through her days. About two weeks ago she went through an anger period. I really don’t know where she is now.

Is there hope? I really hope that she can move past this and allow the friendship to re-establish. I hope that because of this someday our bond will be stronger. Sometimes I fear that it will never be the same. I feel bad becasue I know how precious it was for her to let me inside – and I blew it.

I feel compelled to try and fix this but don’t know what to do.

Frazzled.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not clear from your post what it is you did that upset your roommate. It would be helpful to know what started this distance between the two of you.

Without knowing, it sounds like your roommate is angry at you and not talking to you, and you are overly upset at her not talking to you so much so that you are crying almost every day.

It sounds to me, from what you’ve written, that there is something bothering you other than this problem with your roommate and that you are projecting your feelings about the failing marriage you are in that you only hint at, onto this relationship with your roommate of 18 months.

What you need to do is to resolve your marriage. It sounds like you’ve run away from your problems — or at least tried to — but your subconscious is reminding you that you have unfinished business to attend to. If you resolve your marriage, an upset with a roommate won’t hurt you as much as this one seems to be.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

[quote=”April Masini”] If you resolve your marriage, an upset with a roommate won’t hurt you as much as this one seems to be.

I hope that helps.[/quote]

Yes, I guess this is at the heart of the problem.

I went into her room without asking. When she asked me I admitted it. She asked why.

Earlier that day I had purchased her christmas present. I met a buddy of mine for a beer, and had a few more when I got home. She was out at a social part with some friends. After hiding the present, I got curious and went in her room.
When asked why, I told her that I was curious, and also told her that I had some feelings for her. While I do like her, I was not interested in persuing her. I really liked the frinedship.

Earlier in the year we sorta had a heart to heart where she explained to me the she had to be careful of ‘putting all of her [emotional] eggs in one basket’. She we telling me she didn’t want to get too close because some day I would move out. There were some tears. She has made it clear during the whole time she has known me that she is a one man woman and cannot even consider dating someone while entertaining someone else.
My stay is temporary and related to work.

I do not know if she had any feelings for me in the past, but her reaction right now is something I don’t quite undestand. It seems extreemly intense.

The dynamics of my marraige and how it may relate to this friendship I’m sure is complex, interesting, and perhaps dangerous. You advice is Good. Perhaps my roommate would like a clearer picture of where I really stand with my marraige before proceeding (or not) with continued friendship.

I sure would like to open some communication with her, but she does not seem to be ready for this yet.

I’d like to say I’d be happy to continue the status quo as it was, but subconciously perhaps I forced the issue with this event inorder to resolve my marraige issues one way or the other.

I dunno, I’m just so tired of feeling intense hurt.
Even though both my wife and I are seeking therapy, I struggle with this.
I sincerly hope my roommate is OK.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the details — and I’m glad I was able to help you.

I have to say — you’re being pretty cavalier about the fact that you’re married, but are living in a house with a female roommate who has feelings for you, and you for her. It’s no surprise to me that you’re looking for another relationship with this roommate that has boundaries that are as amorphous as the ones you have with your wife.

It’s not inappropriate for you spend as much time as you have been with your single female roommate and to share meals and confidences with each other. This is sending a mixed message to her — and frankly, to yourself, as well. When you went into her room, which was off limits since you’re just roommates, you broke the boundaries of a roommate situation once again. You may not be able to admit it, but it’s pretty clear to me that you’re looking for a girlfriend in addition to your wife.

Any woman would be having the same feelings your roommate is having, and until you resolve your marriage it’s inappropriate for you to be roommates with another woman. You’re not someone who wants to keep boundaries clear — you are more interested in attraction and having a relationship since your marriage isn’t working well right now.

Your roommate will either reinforce her boundaries with you or else she’ll have an affair with you and be hurt in the long run.

My advice is to move out and get a place in a hotel or board in a house with other guys and no women. In addition, until you work out your marriage and either commit or call it quits, legally, you shouldn’t be hanging out with women. You’re just going to get into more complicated situations like this one.

I know you’d really like some love right about now, but you have to do your work on yourself first, and that means resolving your marriage.

[Member]

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